Be a stacker, not a slacker

Sick of all those tiny hairs you keep finding everywhere (and we mean the ones not attached to your body)? We’re talking about loose hairs, the ones that float through the air, settle on the bathroom floor, cling to contrasting colored clothing, fall into food during cooking, and generally disgust and annoy. Do you have a pet? We’re also talking about its hair, which is probably embedded in every soft surface of your home, and using static electricity as a means of clinging to even the slippery spots. This can all be just a dim memory via purchase of the Dr. Slick Small Hair Stacker. Within days you’ll have mastered the art of hair stacking. Product comes with a cork lined bottom to dampen the sound of the process, which involves tamping the hair down and sometimes bending it. When you’re done playing with your hair, you can tie it into fishing flies and sell them to old men at flea markets. Stop sweeping and start stacking your way to a lucrative hobby and a cleaner way of life.

Goof proof

Once upon a time there was a bagua, or ba gua, whose yin yang design was so flawless that it was criticized for being too perfect and complete. That unfortunate bagua was eventually deserted for its younger and more attractive sibling (seen here), the bagua of perfection. Trace amounts of perfection have been removed from this bagua to intensify its perfect qualities. Most agree with the ad copy: this is your run-of-the-mill ba gua. If you look closely you’ll see why; the tiny lapses from perfection become increasingly obvious over time.

One is warned to refrain from hanging the bagua inside the home. This is not a decorative object, it’s a feng shui tool used to deflect feng shui errors, which unfortunately can and do occur. When your feng shui backfires the bagua of perfection will take over, sorting everything out in its run-of-the-mill fashion. Some semblance of normalcy will eventually prevail.

Movin' ahead so life won't pass me by

Nine-tenths of yesterday’s overeaters got up today feeling flabby and sluggish, vowing to change their habits. Some of them even think they’ll manage to look good by Christmas. You, too, can dream loftily and set unattainable goals when you become a computer athlete. This is a universal adapter kit for your computer, which comes in the form of a CD-ROM. Basically, you can choose which path to go down then place your exercise equipment (sold separately and by another manufacturer) in front of your computer and watch the path unfold. This is actually not the ultimate in fitness; it’s the penultimate, but in advertisements we’re allowed to exaggerate; that’s the American way.

Because CD-ROMs fit all exercise equipment, you’ll find it easy to become a computer athlete. In fact, you can actually opt to forego all exercise equipment and simply stand in front of the computer marching in place—this equipment is so refined, it even adapts to your body! And wait until you see how complete the kit is. We’ve included all the extras, such as a plastic screw, a Velcro strip, a reflector, and two base stands. Sit in your living room and work out as though you were out on the slopes or the track or the lake, beckons the ad copy. Don’t just contemplate being a computer athlete—live the dream.

Giving thanks

We’re having Thanksgiving dinner at Mom’s, a family tradition upon which she insists. It’s her favorite holiday and she pulls out all the stops.




















The kitchen table invariably features the corn pilgrim figure set, with their happy faces and foody offerings. My cousin Norman always pretends to pick them up and eat them, and we laugh even though no one thinks it’s funny. We’re polite to each other most of the time, and we’re thankful for that.

This year, because Aunt Mabel’s daughter, Connie, got pregnant, the corn pilgrims will be sharing the table with





















the fall Thanksgiving diaper turkey…it’s a fake cake made of diapers because she’s due in a couple weeks and her friends didn’t give her a baby shower. We’re a “kill two birds with one stone” kind of family, and everyone’s grateful and filled with thanks as a result.

When we sit down to dinner, Uncle Chas always has to make a crack about Mom’s





















turkey chair covers. He’s jealous because he didn’t marry the crafty sister, Mom says. And when Chas leaves the room she tells a story about the time he lost his job for being a drunk. We’re the sort of family that talks behind each other’s backs when we think no one’s listening, which fills us all with a warm thankful sensation.


















We eat our meal from Mom’s We are blessed beyond measure plates. Personally, I’ve never been a fan, but because these belonged to Grandma, all Mom’s siblings get cranky and argue that they should each have gotten one. Happens every year. We’re one of those “don’t hold anything back” families; we’re very thankful about that.




















Mom even has a Thanksgiving themed toilet seat cover. What can I say? I told you it’s her favorite holiday. But she only has one bathroom, so we take turns yelling “hurry up!” Actually, this is the best feature of Thanksgiving at Mom’s, because usually after the meal ends and the bathroom line-up begins, people start realizing it’s time to go home, and we’re all very, very thankful at that point.

A touch of elegance

Ta-da! It’s…a pair of carefully staged elegant drinking glass(es). The stark contrast between the inelegant wooden crate, the dated photograph and the harsh lighting only heightens the classy culture of the glass(es), whose many facets twinkle with chic and stylish grace. All beverages are improved by contact with the glass(es); ice cubes and carbonated beverages optimize the fizzy refinement. Because it’s a holiday week and we truly care about each and every one of you, the wooden crate is actually included, at least for a limited time. If you think these glasses looked good on November 1st at 16:04, wait until you see them at your place in the upcoming months.