Not that easy being green

Finally opening the windows allowed large amounts of pollen to drift and settle. Result: most surfaces chez moi are currently topped by a mean green sheen, and it’s not invited to stay. Thing is, though, I can’t stand house cleaning. Ooh, I finally have some free time: now I can tackle those grout stains – just not the way my mind works. My inner lazy ass figured I could do the floors just by walking around in a pair of


















slipper genies, but unless I did some really sloppy-legged walking, I was really just re-distributing my dust, lint, hair and dead skin particles and mixing them in with the green-ness.


















Thought I’d also try the “magic” erasers some of my friends have been raving about. What the hell are these things made of and what’s so magical about them? My magic eraser is always too small, tends to fold under pressure, or it does the same thing my erasers did in elementary school: tears the paper.

I ended up giving the RoboMaid a whirl.

It sweeps any floor surface, and the robotic ball in the center is kind of cool, but my RoboMaid had a nasty habit of going into rotating mode and cleaning the same area over and over while completely neglecting others. Think I’m going to make the dog wear the genie slippers while she herds the RoboMaid around, and hope for the best.

I think I can, I think I can

Unwanted hair growth…it’s an under-discussed issue that plagues most of us, particularly as we age. And virtually every method of hair removal has dramatically increased in price, been noticing that? It’s not cheap to be depilated! Disposable razors have been putting some significant nicks in my hygiene budget, and I’ve heard from my Nair-using friends (and my even richer laser-removal-at-salon friends) that they, too, are making sacrifices elsewhere in order to maintain their hairlessness. And of course we’ve all seen the television commercials for new hair removal methods, with their emphasis on the danger and pain we subject ourselves to with each hair removal technique.

What if someone told you there’s yet another alternative? How about teaching your brain to balance your hormones while you sleep, therefore ridding yourself of this issue forever? And what if doing so didn’t take any particular effort on your part other than listening to a guy talk for a while? Better yet, this program works on both sexes, targeting separate problem areas based upon hormone level and content. That means smoother legs for most of you ladies, less back and ear hair for the gentlemen. Nasal hair? Not any more! Let Steve be your unwanted hair growth whisperer – you’ll be glad you did!

Keep up or fall behind

It’s getting to be that time of year again, isn’t it? You knew you were feeling busier lately than you’d been in, say, mid-July, when everything was kind of in a hazy, summery soft-serve mode. Then September arrived to pick up the pace, and you probably managed to keep in step. But it just so happens that the exact moment when people start thinking about holiday plans usually coincides precisely with an abrupt acceleration of their workloads, stress levels, and internal clock speeds. This week felt like a game of Wild Planet Hyper Dash to me; how about you? The game challenges one’s coordination, math and teamwork skills, overall speed, ability to create mnemonic devices and/or acronyms, knowledge of commercial lyrics/arcane trivia, and patience. It also leaves you a little breathless, with a rapid heartbeat, an adrenaline overload, and a healthy amount of self-doubt. If you’re going to stay on top of things in this, our modern world of today, you’ve got to be able to handle, or better yet, enjoy that sensation of being overburdened on as many levels as possible. Wild Planet Hyper Dash is only trying to help. Ready?

The real skinny on water

I had a job interview today, and when I got there my voice apparently sounded a little hoarse to the receptionist. It was probably only anxiety on my part, but she seemed to be a sweet old lady, and asked if I’d like something to drink. “Just water, thank you,” I replied, and a few minutes later she handed me what appeared to be a juice box.

Without thinking, I took a swig. And time stood still. My eyes bulged at the effort of swallowing, while my throat demanded an immediate and quite forceful ejection of its contents, which it took almost superhuman efforts to override. Meanwhile, I could feel a warm viscosity seeming to coat my entire esophageal tract. Once I stopped sputtering and gagging, I read the label on my juice box. What had I just done to myself? I’d ingested some honey-consistency lemon-flavored thickened water, that’s what I’d done. It claims to have a true water taste that you’ll enjoy, but that’s only if you like your water roughly the consistency of nearly-gelled Jello, with a touch of lemon—which believe me, only adds to the thickness, somehow. I kept expecting to spit out pulp, or something…maybe an alien baby. Product is also available in nectar consistency, but what that means will have to remain a mystery; I’ll never be trying any.

Don’t think I’ll get the job, either. I couldn’t stop doing this involuntary shuddering and making little scraping movements with my teeth, trying to get my tongue from feeling as though its thickened water coating was permanent, a sensation I’m still trying to shake. Next time I’ll be sure to ask for the unflavored, water-consistency water.

Right on track, is that gonna get you back?

Money’s tight these days, and I’ve been practically saintly in the parting with cash department, pinching every penny and picking up the ones I find on the road. And yet, you know how it goes. Some products just cry out for purchase regardless of finances, and I often find myself ponying up even when I really should be clamping down. Alas, there was just no resisting the urinary track decoction; I was rendered completely powerless in the presence of its no-nonsense label and fancy packaging. This stuff resolves dampness, eliminates turbidity, opens the water passages of the lower burner, and tonifies the kidneys. All that for only $29.95?! Who could resist? What solidified the sale, however, was the fact that this product possesses the ability to relieve that uncomfortable sensation in my hypogastrium, as well as my dizziness and feeling cold. Sometimes a product really does live up to its grandiose and impossible claims, and this is one of those times. My urinary “track” even sent me a thank you note, although it insisted on some spelling correction. It’s feisty that way.

He's not the only one

I actually own this item; I picked it up about a year ago, when better half was making sincere promises to quit...promises that remain sadly unfulfilled. Now you can’t even read what it says, much less see Jesus’ face, because ashes obliterate its entire surface. I really hoped the religious guilt angle would work, because bitching, cigarette hiding/destroying, pleading, bargaining, guilt-tripping, meaningful health-related discussions and outright threats hadn’t done any more good than the OTC methods and the nasty prescription. Truth is, a person has to make up his/her own mind about when it’s time to quit smoking, but don’t let that stop you from trying to persuade your loved ones in every way you possibly can that the time is now.

A little more off the top

Now there are no excuses for not having perfectly trimmed nails at all times. The Press-On One-Handed Nail Clipper makes clipping so easy, you can do the job with one hand tied behind your back. Simply place your finger in the guillotine/cutting zone, and press gently. Be forewarned: thumbs are tricky. And don’t even try your big toenail; the machine doesn’t have quite enough torque for that. Nail clippings go flying pell-mell throughout the room; you and your guests will be finding them for months to come. The clipper makes a satisfying little clicky sound, which indicates that it's working. The whole family will want to give it a try. Best of all, because there’s no way to adjust the cutting blade’s shape or proportions, all your nails will finally be identical. Sort of. You’ll see!

Running for the shelter

Meds or madness reads the inscription in the mother’s little helper pill box, and you can see how sane this woman is as a result of better living through chemistry. Her meds are keeping her in a very wholesome and vintage condition, and that’s what yours want to do, too. Even if you’re packing something as wimpy as a Flintstones chewable and a Midol or two, you can always be close to your medication of choice or need while still displaying some personality. Deep enough to handle all but the most heinous of horse pills, this box is a great idea for the hypochondriac on your holiday gift list, or to assist you in getting through your annual and fast-approaching exposure to all those loved ones. Take the edge off; you’ll be glad you did.

Oh, what a relief it is

With Thanksgiving right around the corner and the rest of the long-winded holiday season already chomping at the bit, your social schedule’s probably about to pick up whether or not you want it to. All those cocktail and office parties, family get-togethers, that dinner you probably owe your friends and have been postponing for months…so many occasions seem to arise in the feverish countdown to year’s end. You may find yourself excited at this prospect, but the truth is that most of us are at least mildly stressed out by the idea of spending even short periods of time with those we instinctively and purposefully avoid.

Unfortunately, our social mores get very insistent in these next few weeks; besides, you probably want to get all these parties and gatherings out of the way, allowing you to start the year with a tabula rasa, devoid of social responsibilities, plans and obligations. If this is the case, try one or two SocialFear Relief pills. They’ll enable you to make appropriate small talk, enter a crowded room with ease, even walk up to complete strangers and strike up scintillating conversations. You might be the life of the party, who knows? The relief is only temporary, but luckily so’s the season. Gift wrapping not available because we know you’re buying this for yourself.

You can handle it

Oh, those unwieldy plastic bags. Their handles get tangled, or you think you’ve got both handles firmly gripped when you’re really just holding one, or the stupid seams break and everything falls out the bottom. We can’t actually solve that last problem, but two out of three ain’t bad. Now you’ll be able to shop with confidence, knowing you can make it from store to car and from car to house without any hassles, pain or spillage. You can even walk home! The Baggler Winner Shopping Bags Carrier is the perfect size…strong, durable, and capable, with no emotional hang-ups. It’s pain-free to hold onto, unlike plastic bags, which sometimes seem unaware that comfort is an important issue to most consumers. Just thread your bag handles onto the little hooky things and carry on like a pro.