Don't bobblehead me

This bobblehead doll claims to be Darla Hood. You know, Darla from Our Gang/Little Rascals, although facially it's probably equally close to Lucy Van Pelt of Peanuts fame. There’s even a hint of Natalie Green from Facts of Life, isn’t there, around the eyes and nose? And no, I did not know Natalie’s last name offhand; my brother was the big fan of that show, not me, so I gave him a mobile shout out. He’s also an excellent, practically encyclopedic, source of information if you need or want to reminisce about Full House, but he’d never admit that, and you didn’t hear it from me.







I digress, as always. This is the version of Darla they were clearly aiming for, the people at the bobblehead factory. And they at least got her outfit right…sort of. I’d never envisioned this as a teal jumper, but, hey, artistic license, whatever. Still, the doll just doesn't say "Darla," does it? She was way too cute and much too cool to end up as a cheesy bobblehead.

Right, Darla?

Surprise package

Imagine my surprise when the UPS truck drove away, the dog barked herself breathless, and then a soft, nutty smell permeated the house. Curious, I opened the front door only to find a greasy-looking box that looked like it had seen better days. For me? Actually, no, it was for the former occupants, but I often allow myself the illicit joys of playing finders-keepers with any mis-addressed postal deliveries that come my way, especially packages like this, redolent of some exotic yet oleaginous travels. Imagine my further surprise when I opened the box and found what appeared to be a big chunk of…fat? A lifetime’s worth of earwax? Maybe some kind of clay? I wasn’t sure how to react, but my gag mechanism was.

Took me a while to learn that I was the (proud) recipient of two pounds of raw shea butter. You know, shea butter, an ingredient currently being touted as an excellent moisturizer and therefore included in many products, much like its relieved precursor aloe vera. Shea butter is kind of cool to play with, because it melts instantly into your skin as soon as it becomes body temperature (which, where I live, doesn’t take long). So you can’t make little figurines out of it, but you can make it magically disappear. And now, instead of buying those pricey shea-butter-containing products, I just cut off a little chunk of this and toss it into the mix. Okay, it may be a little rancid on one edge, but since mine was free I can’t complain.

Games people play

Tonight we’re planning some at-home fun and mayhem (sorry, kids, this one’s for ages 12 and up only). We recently picked up this really fun game, A Look at Alcohol & Tobacco, and can’t keep ourselves away from it! It’s a good thing an answer key’s included, because after a few hours, no one seems to care how much an ounce of alcohol is, or how many belong in “one drink.” (we love those quotation marks; they know us so well!) We also enjoy taking a look at tobacco, which seems to complement our alcohol quite nicely; they make an attractive pairing.

















The morning after we play this game usually finds us spending lots of time in the bathroom and praying fervently to our St. Vivian figurine. Vivian’s the patron saint of hangovers—you knew there had to be one, didn’t you? Actually, she has a bit of an “I told you so” expression on her face, but we’re willing to turn to anything for assistance in difficult moments. We hollowed ours out and stuffed her with aspirin, so now she’s kind of the Pez dispenser of hangover patron saints; please go with whatever works best for you. And please shut the door quietly on your way out.

Right on track, is that gonna get you back?

Money’s tight these days, and I’ve been practically saintly in the parting with cash department, pinching every penny and picking up the ones I find on the road. And yet, you know how it goes. Some products just cry out for purchase regardless of finances, and I often find myself ponying up even when I really should be clamping down. Alas, there was just no resisting the urinary track decoction; I was rendered completely powerless in the presence of its no-nonsense label and fancy packaging. This stuff resolves dampness, eliminates turbidity, opens the water passages of the lower burner, and tonifies the kidneys. All that for only $29.95?! Who could resist? What solidified the sale, however, was the fact that this product possesses the ability to relieve that uncomfortable sensation in my hypogastrium, as well as my dizziness and feeling cold. Sometimes a product really does live up to its grandiose and impossible claims, and this is one of those times. My urinary “track” even sent me a thank you note, although it insisted on some spelling correction. It’s feisty that way.

For all your 2,000 parts

And we know those parts are pretty much all super-sized; you're a good, solid specimen. This product’s particularly for guarding your burly elbows. Please don’t say they aren’t burly, because we’ve been following you around and even taking some clandestine from-behind photos, and not only do we think you’ve got burly elbows, we find your calves to be rather buff. In fact, your shoulders are also mighty fierce, and we mean from just about every angle—have you been working out? You’re looking good, my friend—as good as a living large dad! So don’t forget to protect those elbows. They may look burly, but they have a sensitive aspect that people don’t see at first.

Wear them with your brawny pants

because those legs of yours are also looking massive, strapping and thickset, and don't forget your

colossal t-shirt, for those commodious upper arms and your ample chestal region. After all, your clothes should match your bodily proportions and possess that bigger than life quality that you’re oozing these days. At least one in three of you, that is.

By the way, if any of these product combinations are ordered within the next fifteen seconds or so we’ll be pleased as punch to wrap them, at absolutely no extra charge to you, in the

hunky torso gift bag and include a fan letter. You’re on fire this week, your largeness!