Monday, February 22, 2010

How I Roll

Not sure if it’s the economy, my rapidly aging brain and body, or over-exposure to dry, heated air, but I’ve really been stressed out lately, feeling like the weight of my little slice of the world has become much heavier than usual, and as though the effort to counter this with any kind of vivacity or élan isn’t going to be happening soon, or meeting with much success. I’ll also be the first person to admit that February is my least favorite time of year, a month I like to think got designated shortest because of its surly and boorish unpleasantness and our desire to get it out of the way as quickly as possible.

In any case, there I was at the store, spending money I don’t have now and possibly never will, desperate to rid myself of this disagreeable contentiousness. And there as always, waiting for me, was a proposed solution, this time in the form of a bottle of roll-on stress relief lotion, which relaxes your mind and body simultaneously. I found the concept of mental and physical relaxation combined so highly appealing that I rushed home and freely applied this product to most of my bodily surfaces. I suggest you not follow my lead, because stinging regret showed up and in the end I would not have used the words “stress free” to describe myself. As usual. Turns out my problem was that I was craving a lack of stress. A quick once-over with some quit craving lotion brought about at least a modicum of relief.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Aw, but Jessie

Being able to watch your dog throughout the painful hours during which the two of you cannot be together just isn’t enough for some of you, who demand even closer and more intimate communication. Luckily technology has once again caught up with, or possibly even raced ahead of, your expectations and demands, and the resulting must-have is puppy tweets. (In fact, the product isn’t available everywhere just yet, but you’d better line up and order now, because these babies are gonna be flyin’ off the shelves.)

And just exactly what are you stepping up to pre-order? Why, over 500 of your pet’s favorite phrases! But it’s so much more than that, because these phrases get delivered directly to your pet's own Twitter site! Triggered by motion, this electronic dog tag generates messages each time your dog stretches, sneezes, yawns, barks, breaks wind, falls asleep, scratches itself or indulges in a rousing session of oral gratification, not to mention those moments of mailman-induced frenzy.

Imagine the possibilities! Say you’re in a meeting at work: things get a little dullish, you decide it’s time for a sly visit to Twitter…only to discover that Buster's day has been much more productive than yours. Or maybe not; maybe there's just been a whole lotta sleep going on. Either way, you're in the know. To no one’s surprise, dogs are naturals at this, and their tweets seem effortless. Ad copy actually suggests inviting friends and family to follow one’s pet on Twitter, and, hey, why not, when the dog’s making witty suggestions like getting sparkling water for the toilet bowl!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Rat in me kitchen

Got up this morning, went into the kitchen to make coffee, opened the cupboard and found an early Valentine’s gift from better half perched beside the mugs.

Wasn’t he sweet, hiding them like that for maximum early morning enjoyment? This man is fluent in the language of love, let me tell you. And over the years he’s taught me enough that I, too, am capable of making the occasional romantic gesture, which is why he’ll be getting a love coupon book after dinner tonight.

‘Course, I removed all the coupons for things like back rubs, lap dances and snuggling. Hey, there are still three “control television all day” coupons, several that are good for a full-house vacuum, and one offering 50% off on a sincere show of empathy, so he still got the better end of this deal.