Friday, October 30, 2009

Games people play

Tonight we’re planning some at-home fun and mayhem (sorry, kids, this one’s for ages 12 and up only). We recently picked up this really fun game, A Look at Alcohol & Tobacco, and can’t keep ourselves away from it! It’s a good thing an answer key’s included, because after a few hours, no one seems to care how much an ounce of alcohol is, or how many belong in “one drink.” (we love those quotation marks; they know us so well!) We also enjoy taking a look at tobacco, which seems to complement our alcohol quite nicely; they make an attractive pairing.

The morning after we play this game usually finds us spending lots of time in the bathroom and praying fervently to our St. Vivian figurine. Vivian’s the patron saint of hangovers—you knew there had to be one, didn’t you? Actually, she has a bit of an “I told you so” expression on her face, but we’re willing to turn to anything for assistance in difficult moments. We hollowed ours out and stuffed her with aspirin, so now she’s kind of the Pez dispenser of hangover patron saints; please go with whatever works best for you. And please shut the door quietly on your way out.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Right on track, is that gonna get you back?

Money’s tight these days, and I’ve been practically saintly in the parting with cash department, pinching every penny and picking up the ones I find on the road. And yet, you know how it goes. Some products just cry out for purchase regardless of finances, and I often find myself ponying up even when I really should be clamping down. Alas, there was just no resisting the urinary track decoction; I was rendered completely powerless in the presence of its no-nonsense label and fancy packaging. This stuff resolves dampness, eliminates turbidity, opens the water passages of the lower burner, and tonifies the kidneys. All that for only $29.95?! Who could resist? What solidified the sale, however, was the fact that this product possesses the ability to relieve that uncomfortable sensation in my hypogastrium, as well as my dizziness and feeling cold. Sometimes a product really does live up to its grandiose and impossible claims, and this is one of those times. My urinary “track” even sent me a thank you note, although it insisted on some spelling correction. It’s feisty that way.

Monday, October 26, 2009

For all your 2,000 parts

And we know those parts are pretty much all super-sized; you're a good, solid specimen. This product’s particularly for guarding your burly elbows. Please don’t say they aren’t burly, because we’ve been following you around and even taking some clandestine from-behind photos, and not only do we think you’ve got burly elbows, we find your calves to be rather buff. In fact, your shoulders are also mighty fierce, and we mean from just about every angle—have you been working out? You’re looking good, my friend—as good as a living large dad! So don’t forget to protect those elbows. They may look burly, but they have a sensitive aspect that people don’t see at first.

Wear them with your brawny pants

because those legs of yours are also looking massive, strapping and thickset, and don't forget your

colossal t-shirt, for those commodious upper arms and your ample chestal region. After all, your clothes should match your bodily proportions and possess that bigger than life quality that you’re oozing these days. At least one in three of you, that is.

By the way, if any of these product combinations are ordered within the next fifteen seconds or so we’ll be pleased as punch to wrap them, at absolutely no extra charge to you, in the

hunky torso gift bag
and include a fan letter. You’re on fire this week, your largeness!

Friday, October 23, 2009

What size is your life?

I’ve got a paternal birthday looming, and I think my dad’s amply worthy of this gift basket...well, more of a gift bucket, isn’t it? This one’s for the “living large dad,” and I’d say my dad is living about as large as he can these days. Included: a special “proformance” drink, which I believe may be the product with the Jim Beam label in this picture. There’s also some junk food, and man-gear in one of its most popular varietals (BBQ equipment). Everything’s been lovingly hand-arranged in a manner appreciated by those enjoying super-sized living, but you probably already knew that, eh, big guy?

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Sentimental Journey

The retro refrigerator rushes you back in time, recalling an era when refrigerators were nothing more than glorified cabinets and food cooling methods basically nonexistent. That’s right, we’ve included absolutely no electricity or any type of cooling device whatsoever, which allowed us to lower our price significantly, meeting the needs of today’s consumers. There’s not even a bowl of ice in there—food may well increase in temperature when placed inside the refrigerator for all we know. There’s lots of shelf space, though. And the product itself is laden with quality, right down to the magnets holding the doors closed, and the little Frigidaire-esque metal insignia on the front. Also, because it’s wood, it’s paintable, so even if your kitchen isn’t pink we’ve got you covered. Orders have been pouring in. Oh, yes, they have.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

As the old commercial said...

Calgon, take me away!” Someone had to take us away. We certainly weren’t capable of much escape. The kids were whining, everyone wanted dinner, there was someone at the door and the phone was ringing…what kind of crazy, multi-tasking Stepford Wife did we think we were, trying to have it all and be it all, attempting to bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never, ever let you forget you’re a man all while looking serene and smelling dishy?

And that was in the 1970s! How much less time do you have now? Studies show you now have significantly less, and that, in fact, your free time is about to be declared an endangered species. So, that long-n-lazy bubble bath is probably out of the question. But you can quickly squirt on the same scent, and hopefully experience the same amount of transport. I’m about to be a heavy user of this product, because I’m about to take a vacation. So, come on, Calgon, let’s see what you got!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

How'd they do that?

Not long ago someone told me about Farm in a Jar, with its compelling combination of facts, trivia, games and activities. It sounded like a great present for some of the younger people in my life, many of whom seem not to know things like where food comes from or how to behave in public, although they’re very helpful to have around when the computer breaks. I decided to order one for an upcoming gift-giving occasion.

Then came the requisite six to eight weeks of down time, during which my mind was all a-flutter, trying to picture as many farm games and facts as I already knew and hoping for more of the same (because farm fun is enjoyable at all ages). You may well imagine my disappointment, then, when instead I received

fart in a jar! They must have been right beside each other on the shelf, or someone was in a rush, or something. I thought of returning it—unopened, of course—but as it turned out the gift was quite well received.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Why I read the small print

Have you ever shopped at a Sav-A-Lot store? If so, you’ve learned that one of their fun money-saving practices is not offering free bags to customers. Oh, they offer other options: you can pack yourself a shallow box top, purchase a regular issue plastic grocery bag (which feels ridiculous; who would buy one if given the option not to?), or be a green consumer and bring your own bag of choice. Which is what I would have done when I was there the other day, except it was my first time saving a lot, and I did not know about this policy, which resulted in my doing the precarious walk out to my vehicle. And it was a long precarious walk, because these days a lot of us are trying to find ways to cut back on spending.

But I don’t like being ill-prepared for situations, so next time I’ll be tossing my purchases into a love drawing mojo bag. Besides holding pasta sauce, dog food and toilet paper, it’ll be doing all kinds of positive things for my social life, bringing potential loved ones into my orbit—oh, yes, mmm-hmm, it will indeed, and that’ll be great.

More importantly, though, the mojo bag comes pre-packed with a small amount of special herb. And let me tell you, after a hot afternoon at the crowded Sav-A-Lot store, there’s nothing like getting back home, putting those cheap groceries away, and finding some special herb waiting for you in the bottom corner of the bag. Most people would by-pass this product, believing at first glance that they could easily obtain a less expensive, better-made and more attractive bag for much less money. And they probably could. Maybe that bag would even be better at drawing in love. And yet.

Friday, October 9, 2009

I wear my sunglasses at night

Ad copy for these fabulous spy gear spy vision glasses states that they’re immensely popular because kids expect the same results they see on-screen. Well, duh, don’t we all? Then, unlike the formula used in most advertisements, the honesty factor is suddenly upped: the cool looking (not seen here) techno-pack “actually just holds batteries.” Whoa. And then: “Don’t expect much.” Almost makes you want to reconsider the purchase, doesn’t it? As if that’s not enough, the next sentence delivers what should be the kiss of death: we’re informed that the glasses “are useless for deflecting UV rays, exploring underwater, or—not so surprising—penetrating darkness.” What the hell is going on here? Why are we being told these...facts? Does someone not understand the way product advertising is supposed to work? Where's the hype, the lies, the exaggeration? And yet, such blatant honesty must be working, because there are only a few left in stock. Frankly, we’re refreshed, yet confused...and that’s a sensation not frequently experienced, so bonus points have been awarded.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Livin' the dream

I don’t know about you, but I’m one of those people who’s getting older every single day. This year I decided to let my Halloween costume celebrate my aging process, rather than wasting all that nutty time on appearances, smoke and mirrors. These costume accessories may appear manly, but they are going to be extra-cool on a woman.

For starters, I got some over the hill gums. Yeah, my gums probably look a lot like this anyway, but I’ll admit, I wasn’t brave enough to take this costume all the way to its potential. These are also going to be great for those times when I feel like there’s something caught in my teeth that I can’t get out and I’m in a public place.

Also got some geezer nose hair glasses. I wore them to the grocery store and hardly got a reaction, hmph. Maybe the glasses are just too much like the ones I normally wear…

I know, I know…old isn’t all that original an idea. A lot of you are trying it these days, some with amazing results. But here’s why I’ll be rockin’ the oldster like few others:

It’s a subtle touch, but when people notice my Dio ring, they’ll know how much I really care about this whole old thing.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Now, hold still and don't breathe

We were having a difficult time getting into the Halloween spirit this year, largely for economic reasons. In fact, I did the math, and carefully figured out that every penny spent on something Halloween oriented will not be available for our numerous other needs and wants; regret will be paramount and semi-permanent. But my better half got out-of-the-ballpark excited at the prospect of being Mammogram Man for a few hours, and bought this costume before I could stop him. And he loves it—now he can’t stop talking about how many more days until Halloween it is. I can already see him near the end of the evening on the 31st, slurring his words and asking all the women at our party to “put her here,” as he keeps phrasing it. I’ve told him what they’ll do when he says this, but he gets a little boy gleam in his eye and clearly isn’t listening. Maybe he’ll even wear it to work that day!

Monday, October 5, 2009

No, they're action figures

We all grew up, and/or continue to grow up, with some inescapable Disney exposure. Available in every conceivable format, Disney products have become one of the most ubiquitous of American icons, exuding an aura of innocence, goodness, and that wonderful blend of enchantment, happiness and oversized eyes that we all enjoy just a little too much for our own good. What’s almost universally overlooked is the fact that Disney, particularly the Disney of days gone by—dirty old keepin’ it real Disney—knew that fun comes in many packages and flavors, not all of them wholesome. Here’s one of my favorite Disney collectibles. It’s Pinocchio having fun with his pal Lampwick. They’ve been smoking stogies, pounding a few brewskis and are currently enjoying a rather messy game of pool. Sure, Lampwick eventually got turned into a jackass for behavior such as this, but the story’s not named for him, is it?