Wednesday, September 30, 2009

The autumn ottomans

As we settle comfortably into the season and many of us retreat to the indoors for an unforeseen number of upcoming months, it’s the perfect moment to consider the style and décor of your abode and to make a flailing attempt at beautification and comfortability. Never overlook the wonderful twining of style and ease proffered by our friends the ottomans, who always manage to look particularly fetching this time of year.

The South Sea rattan autumn ottoman, for example, is perfect for those who live in warmer climates. Just a touch of fall; it’s all you’ll need.

Whereas the pricey, yet elegant, Old Hickory Tannery autumn ottoman

is a bastion of stolidity, a stout and hardy companion for those cold winter nights when you’ll be wishing you hadn’t blown quite so much on a footstool. Okay, sure, you’ll regret it, but, then, what don’t you regret? This baby is plush.

And, as always, there’s the ocean of compromise occupied by the Arleigh ottoman.

All the autumnal and fallacious qualities you’d ever require, at only a fraction of the cost.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Got saliva?

Adulthood…not quite what you thought it would be, is it? All those years of waiting, making vows about how you were going to be (vastly different from the adults in your childhood life), planning a fabulous fun-filled, carefree existence which would start approximately two seconds after you were free of authority figures. You absolutely could not wait to be out on your own, and if someone had sat you down and said, “No, see, these are your true golden years, when someone else is responsible,” you’d have served him or her the full force of your derision, with a side of “what you talkin’ ‘bout, Willis?” because there was no way it wasn’t going to be so much cooler/better/more fun and fulfilling on every conceivable level to be “the boss of me.” If it would only hurry up and happen, already.

And then, wow, it did happen. Fast forward to now: your inner child sulks every time you have to take out the trash, do laundry, or go to work, only you don’t mention it most of the time, ‘cause now you’re a grown up. But, please. All these chores, plus a job, plus other people to take care of? And hardly the expendable income you’d envisioned. This was not the game plan. When’s all the non-stop fun going to start?, because you kind of feel as if you were bypassed. Now that you think about it, it was kind of nice to have dinner be someone else’s decision, huh? And bill-paying. And remember how it felt being able to openly mock anyone you didn’t like? To never stop & think about all those yucky “r” words like ramifications and repercussions and rent. Those were sweet days, man, sour as they may have gone down at the time.

So, when you’re waxing nostalgic, try to grasp at snippets of your old life, which is as close as you’ll ever get. This product provides a perfect example. Recreate the joyful sensation of the spit bath with
Momspit. Who can forget those wonderful moments when your mom would glance at your face, then pull out a Kleenex and do something so disgusting you hoped no one was watching? Sometimes she’d really scrub and it kind of hurt, adding injury to insult. You couldn’t even believe she just did that. And for the rest of the day every time the wind hit you from a certain angle, you’d get that whiff of mom-breath. Momspit recreates this wonderful childhood experience, right down to the no-rinse instructions, and the “unscented” claim. Let it take you part of the way back!

Friday, September 25, 2009

Nothing but Star Wars, give me those Star Wars

Yeah, you grew up a long time ago, but that doesn’t mean every facet of your life has to bear the dull and stodgy stamp of adulthood, does it? Break free from the pack, thrill your inner child and impress a few of your neighbors when you take out your trash then proudly lid it with the Star Wars Battle Droid Bucket Topper. “Hey, mine didn’t come with one of those!” they’ll be thinking, trying in vain to recall their garbage can purchasing experiences. The kids also might be a little more likely to participate in trash night when you show them how well the lid doubles as a shield, although they’ll probably just stare at you and remind you that Star Wars isn’t cool any more and hasn’t been for about a generation. And yet, there are those of you occupying a certain demographic—we know who you are, and that there’s a bit of expendable income lurking in there—and for you this product is a must-have and will probably inhabit a room filled with similar products, lonely boyhood dreams, and kind of a weird smell. We’re happily prepared to take full advantage of that.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Then you should have said "a real dog"

In a roughshod economy, we’re all looking for affordability and increased dollar/value ratios, and here’s a product that really delivers. It’s your very own inflatable pet…and therefore none of the typical pet-oriented inconveniences, such as feeding, walking and training. He’ll always be a good boy, and won’t ever bother the neighbors with barking. Plus, his eyes light up! That practically makes up for his not being real, right? Come on, you know you didn’t expect a product angle to come sidling up to your heart like that. Lighting is still relatively fresh in the inflatable world, hence the all-important inset of his eyes, which are lit up, in case you can’t tell. Trust us, it looks a lot better in the dark, but then the dog doesn’t show up.

Ad copy: “Perfect for events, decoration, Displays, Birthday parties, gifts, kids, Advertising and Marketing will catch attention, museums and educational purposes and collections,” which covers a lot of ground pretty ineptly. Imagine Junior’s face when, after all those months of taking out the trash and waiting patiently, he gets ‘his own dog’ at last!

Monday, September 21, 2009

Could it be a faded rose from days gone by?

It’s a well-documented but often overlooked fact that people associate shoes with daybreak, even if they’re doing so on a subconscious lizard-brain level. After all, once a day starts, shoes come into the picture for most of us. Your brain is hardwired to perform associative thoughts such as this without your having to be bothered to think about the reasons why. In fact, you can’t even stop yourself. Some of these associations are quite personal; others are common to all members of the species. When shown a feather, nine people out of ten find themselves ruminating about late afternoon and/or sugar cookies, and nothing quite evokes midnight like talcum powder sitting quietly in a medicine chest—I think we can all agree there.

Which is why it’s no surprise that someone wearing his thinking cap has come up with these fabulous dawn simulators with bulbs, cleverly disguised as a pair of pink patent leather flats. It’s a fully dimmable full light spectrum box, folks—the only one on the market! You may have to use your imagination at first, or try squinting a little and stepping back from your monitor, but after a while, you’ll see the simulation of dawn, as well as the bulbs (photos are available from other angles, although none captures that bulbous essence as well as this). Bravo, SunRizr! This is one of the best examples of thinking outside the envelope we’ve seen in quite some time.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Should I stay or should I go now?

It was only a matter of time from the very get-go, a car with frail old tires driven too quickly down a curvy road on a rainy night, a soufflé just waiting for that oven door to slam, a big ugly zit that was going to need some special attention. But as clear and obvious as the right decision seemed, practicality stood firmly in its way.

A certain amount of sucking it up is necessary in most of life’s arenas, and anyone who hasn’t learned that by now is having an even worse time than the rest of us. But we all know that there’s also that proverbial sand-line and once it gets sullied, or much worse, completely besmirched…well, there’s just no going back to holding hands, is there?

And so it was time to decide once and for all. Was I going to chew this gum?

I’d tried it before and found it highly distasteful and sub-par on every level. But there I was, about to buy it again. Or was I going to go for broke and chew this gum?

Because, after all, this is some sweet-n-tasty stuff, with a super-fine aftertaste. I’d been craving it for months.

Then a well-meaning friend slipped me a piece of this gum

and before I knew it, the answer was crystal-clear. I feel better already.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

May the force be with you

You might be stuck behind that desk, or in whatever traplike situation your job consists of, but don’t let that stop you from whisking your lower extremities away for a brief trip with the HKO Knee Abductor. It counteracts the scissoring forces of the legs! When I think of all the times I’ve had to self-counteract that scissoring force. How many, you ask? That’s way too much math for this early in the day, but let’s guesstimate at least a thousand, because that’s a nice, round number, which means I’m probably about at the end of my “able to resist the scissoring force” time of life. This product also bears our personal hallmark of approval for multi-tasking, because once your scissoring force is no longer counteracted by the air bladder, you get to graduate to the mechanical post (not pictured, but vividly imagined). Whatever you do, though, do not attempt to abduct your elbows; this voids the manufacturer’s warranty and you’ll have only yourself to blame.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Happy happy joy joy

Damn, it has been a rough and rugged year, hasn’t it? I actually allowed things to get to me, and not for the first time, may I add. Fell into kind of a rut-like brown study, and before I knew it discontent, worry and a seemingly unending stream of celebrity deaths made it easy to stay on life hiatus, occupying an angsty limbo of vast proportions. Sometimes it can be unreasonably difficult to pull oneself out of these funks, and even more difficult to think of a reason for doing so. I’d even given up my beloved shopping therapy.

But this morning the sun was shining and I felt marginally better, so I headed down my favorite emporium where I purchased this lovely Boo Frickin’ Hoo Have a Cocktail and Get Over It apron. Maybe it’s the stitching on the pocket or the flared hemline, but something about this apron got to me, touched me somewhere deep inside, somewhere probably close to my liver, and reminded me that life’s too short – you’ve got to take the bitter with the sweet, the sour with the umami and the cocktail with the extra shot in it if you want to get through this rat-maze we call modern life. Bottoms up!