Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Mr. Ease uses natural plant extracts to relax and soothe anal muscles so that they’re calm, carefree and feeling no pain. Better yet, it does so without impeding sensuality—because if you’re going to resort to artificial means to a wider anus, you don’t want a lot of numbness getting in the way. Once you’re anally relaxed, soothed and sensual, the good times snowball exponentially, don’t they?
Since we’re pretty sure you’ll be hooked for life, the product’s offered in delivery cycles—you can arrange to have a new batch of Mr. Ease show up every so often, but because it’s manufactured by a control freak on a very tight German schedule, it’s available only in pre-determined time intervals.
An important thing to remember about Mr. Ease is that he’s intended solely for men. Under no circumstances should women buy, use or handle this product in any way. As far as Mr. Ease is concerned, if you’re stuck in a woman’s body, you should suck it up and accept your sorry lot in life.
But don’t worry; we’ve got you covered in wild cherry, crazy girl.
Monday, September 29, 2008
“But, Auntie, I’m afraid of the dark.”
“You won’t have to be any more, Bobby. I bought you a surprise yesterday. Want me to go get it?”
“Yes!” (eager bed bouncing and sound of retreating footsteps)
(sound of footsteps returning)
“Okay, Bobby, I’ve got it right here. Hold on a second…where’s that outlet? Got it! Now, let me get this light bulb…all right, you ready, sweetie?”
“Yes!” (more eager bed bouncing)
(scream, followed by loud crying) “Turn it off, turn it off, turn it off! I want my Mommy!”
(sound of retreating footsteps)
Saturday, September 27, 2008
We got to a lighting store, separated, and within minutes were heading toward the other with lamps in each hand and smiles on our faces.
I proudly held out
the snail lamp and
the lady bug lamp. “They’re perfect,” I started to say, but he was already shaking his head, no, saying, “It’s a man cave, remember?” Then I saw his choices:
the Himalayan crystal rock lamp and
the Himalayan salt crystal prosperity bowl.
“The term man cave doesn’t have to imply that we’re cave men,” I protested. “Plus, I don’t want a glowing bowl of orange rocks tempting me all the time. Let’s keep looking, okay?”
A few minutes later, I sauntered over to him and displayed
the Dachshund accent lamp. I received such a withering look, I expected him to say, “Why don’t you go wait in the car?” Instead he just shook his head and kept looking. Pretty soon he came running up to me with
a couple of these floor LED lights. He was particularly fond of the blue one. I told him if he wanted to be a Jedi knight, I was going to force him to do it in the back yard, not in the den.
“You mean the man cave,” he said. But he put them back.
The store was huge, and we’d only been down two aisles, so we kept going.
Soon I found, and was completely mesmerized, by
the Groovy Shrooms light—I mean, I just couldn’t take my eyes off it. “No one else has one!” I pleaded, seeing the doubt in better half’s eyes.
“Guess why?” he said. “It’s 2008!”
But the only other light he found and liked was
the See No Evil Monkey Light. And cute as it may be, it’s just not what I wanted in the den, or the man cave, or any other room in the house. This monkey’s bony legs and arms made me feel sorry for it. “Besides, I’d spend the rest of my life looking for its missing companions,” I said, thinking this was a good point.
So, as usual, we ended up compromising, which is what marriage is all about, folks. We found
a kit that will allow us to make our own lamp. Of course, it seems like it’s going to be a very bare-bones kind of lamp, quite minimalist, but at least we’ll both be happy knowing we agreed on something.
However, when we got home, what did I find in the bag? The Speak No Evil monkey. I glanced over at better half, who said, “I wanted you to have a quest. Plus, it’s my man cave.” And he pulled it out and plugged it in. I’m trying to follow its example.
We all know what Jesus looked like from the many portraits he sat for during his lifetime, but have you ever wondered what Jesus smelled like? Now you can not only look good for Jesus, but also wear a scent that he’s fond of, Jerusalem Perfume. It comes with a certificate of authenticity (Jesus’ seal of approval, which he doesn’t give to many products), and contains the essences of plants and flowers from the Holy Land. Jesus will be so pleased that when the time comes you’ll get an all-expenses paid trip to Heaven and a seat close enough to Jesus that he can catch a waft of your lovely essence every so often. Then he’ll smile at you, and let me tell you, it’s a great feeling to know you’ve brought a smile to Jesus’ face.
Friday, September 26, 2008
This is the perfect time of year to spend some time re-acquainting oneself with Mother Nature, bonding with all the trees and fresh air and rude people. Get out there and do some hiking, or rock climbing, or round up some friends and play football. As my mother always used to say, “It’s a beautiful day. Now, get off the couch and go outside.”
You get the concept, even its wisdom, but you rarely implement it. Still, every so often you allow someone to talk you into doing something a little more calorie-burning than walking to the fridge—admittedly, against your better judgment. And after months or years of the soft life, you are approximately 75% more injury-prone during those rare bursts of autumnal activity. Don’t let these risks keep you inside, away from all that nutty fun. You know you should get out there. Just be ready for the inevitable with the Weekender Adventure Medical Kit.
It’s fully stocked, too; it could probably get you through half a week if it had to. There’s lots of aspirin, ibuprofen and antihistamines; some bandages and dressings; that lovely “flesh-colored” sprain-wrap; duct tape (which should be mandatorily included in pretty much every kit) and a few safety pins. Safety pins are like little good luck charms—did you think they were called safety pins because of the way they close? That may be true, but they bring safety, and bring it in droves. Best of all, the kit comes with Splinter Picker/Tick Remover Forceps. I thought tweezers could do the job, but after only one use, I’m a big, big forceps fan.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Here’s a product that takes facial care to an expansive cerulean plateau. It firms your “lazy skin.” That’s right, you’ve got lazy skin; it’s not that you’re getting older and losing collagen, despite what they said on “Body In Numbers.” It’s that your skin has decided it’s break time and is slacking, slouching and slinking its way downhill. Fast.
Plug this in and you’ll be back on track in no time. The Derma Wand is capable of an astounding 114,000 cycles per second; cycling has proved to be one of the best ways to get your lazy skin off its fat ass and back into shape. It’s like a facial spinning class.
When you’re done exercising that lazy skin, give it a spritz with the Derma Vital Hydrating Skin Mist, which is a “pure, mineral and chemical free water” specifically prepared for use with this product, completely unlike the pure, mineral and chemical free water you might drink or bathe in. You’ll be dewy, radiant and possibly wondering why so many women’s products are called wands. And do they all have to look like vibrators?
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
The Serenity Kit comes with a set of small wind chimes and a book of calming, zen-like quotations. If you already bought the indoor wind chimes, the serenity is potentially limitless, like a Mobius strip of ongoing tranquility. If this brings you serenity, you’re head and shoulders above the crowd in the inner peace department. I know some people (when I say some, I’m referring to the vast majority of my acquaintances) who experience serenity only when they are not conscious. I know others who are driven to near-manic distress levels by the sound of any wind chiming whatsoever. In fact, there’s a significant amount of overlap in these two subsets.
True serenity is, after all, rather elusive, and rendered even more so by being highly individualized. One man’s serenity is another man’s anxiety attack, if you think about it. A serenity kit for me might include the absence of all other traffic when I’m out on the roads, the guarantee that nothing life-joltingly bad is going to happen for at least 48 hours, and a promise that I will sleep through the night without waking. Being brought some hot chocolate might also help. Oh, right, and I’d like a decent income without having to work for the rest of my life, which I believe would induce a good deal of serenity. Maybe your serenity kit would involve long, hot baths; pigeon-feeding in the park; cloud watching; fishing; afternoon naps; walking hand in hand with a loved one on a secluded beach; or being allowed, at long last, to move to your special happy place and live there forever. But if some light tinkling sounds and a few deep thoughts are all it’s going to take to keep you in check, kudos, serene one.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Grateful Dead money clip. This will show ‘em you haven’t lost your edge, that you’re keepin’ it real and are still the same old boring straight guy, and that most of your tastes have not improved. Sure, when you walk out of the room, there’s a good chance someone’s going to say “Nice man purse!” But, hey, at least they’ll have noticed it’s a nice one.
Monday, September 22, 2008
When diet and exercise aren’t working, when you’ve tried every pill, gimmick, gadget and trendy exercise regime out there and you’re still packing on the pounds, here’s an honest-to-goodness sure-fire way to take care of the problem without spending all kinds of crazy cash. It’s about time! What is it, you ask? It’s a laparoscopic gastric bypass kit—contrary to popular opinion, you don’t have to go to the hospital to get your stomach size reduced. You can do it yourself at home for under $200!
The kit contains all sorts of important medical supplies, like syringes, tubes, blades, and gauze. Interestingly enough, it also includes something called fog reduction—could that be to disperse all the gas that will come rushing out as you cut into your own midsection? There’s a specimen container, a gown (might as well look like a real patient), and one cup of medicine (type unspecified, but we’re hoping it’s strong enough to cut through the pain while at the same time allowing one to remain alert enough to continue the operation). There are skin markers and cautery pencils (“w/hlstr” —could that mean with holster? because I might really enjoy a pencil holster), a suction tube (but you’ll have to provide your own suction), a blue pre-treated poly bag, (score!) and some other difficult to determine items, such as a mayo stand. No, we don’t think that means you should stop for a snack break, at least not until you figure out how to stop the bleeding. Kind of looks like you also get two purple pacifiers, doesn’t it? You’ll need all the soothing you can get, especially after that cup of medicine wears off.
Come on, now, don’t be such a baby! You can totally do this, and you’re going to look great in those size 2 jeans.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
So, you haven’t managed to quit the habit, or possibly you’ve just taken it up. In either case, you’re probably noticing that your smoking is heavily restricted and increasingly compromised at every turn, and it’s only getting worse. With colder months approaching, you’re dreading—or possibly already experiencing—those chilling and humiliating cigarette breaks, as you hunker down miserably in some kind of designated smoking pit to get your nic fix. Once or twice it’s almost been cold and ugly enough out there to make you think about giving them up for good, and you really mean it.
But now you can continue to compromise your health without sacrificing style and comfort, because now there are smoking mittens. Maybe you’ll quit one day and maybe you won’t, but in the meantime you’re not going to be uncomfortable, because that’s how they want you to feel. None of that “cold hands, warm heart” nonsense for you.
The mittens come equipped with a pre-drilled cigarette-sized hole, and, like all mittens, they’re interchangeable, so you can smoke like a lefty or a righty. You can continue to gesticulate between wheezes, and your fingertips won’t be so stinky and yellow, although your breath and cough will be as bad as ever. Best of all, you’ll be showing everyone a high level of commitment. Illegitimi non carborundum, or Noli nothis permittere te terere, right?
Saturday, September 20, 2008
That big silvery egg is actually an inflatable ball which can be filled to exactly the tension level you desire (air pump included). Remove the egg-ball from the chair and use it for therapy exercises (instructions included, although not in English). You realize what this means, don’t you? This chair has accomplished the nearly impossible and broken on through to the other side—the fabulous other side where one minute something’s a chair and posture improving device, the next, it’s an exercise ball. Best of all, the empty chair unit makes a great scooter. There’s even a cushioned handrail. I like to ride it around the house, speeding up my household chores. It’s also great for short trips to the convenience store.
You may be having a hard time conceiving of this as a chair. “Wait, are you telling me I have to balance my posterior upon the egg-ball?” you might be thinking. Yes, that’s it, precisely; just like this:
See how comfy Miranda is? She might appear to be a little uptight and uneasy, but believe me, this is Miranda in fully-kicked-back mode, maximized, optimized, and posturized, albeit possibly slightly broody. Don’t worry if you’re not as petite as she is; the egg-ball is capable of holding up to 1420 pounds and a replacement unit is available. Once you’re toned and balanced from using it, you’ll be ready to think about adding our ergo ottoman, which will soon be available at a fine purveyor of consumer goods somewhere in your immediate vicinity. Act now, because today’s novelty chair is tomorrow’s ignored yard sale item.
Friday, September 19, 2008
The best thing about Dr. Brody’s Weekend Whitening System is that it takes three days to work, so you’ll be getting an automatic three-day weekend pass along with your proof of purchase. The next best thing about it is that both step one (the accelerator mouth rinse) and step two (the actual weekend whitener) are comprised primarily of alcohol. Also, the instructions insist that you repeat each step twice, and perform the sequence twice a day. By the time you’re headed back to work with your snowy white freshly cleaned smile, you’ll be wondering where that extra day off went, but time always flies when you’re halving dun.
We realize that many of you don’t want to expose yourselves in any kind of way on Halloween. Maybe you’re out of shape enough that showing any skin is out of the question. Or you're too secure in your masculinity to resort to shamelessly flaunting your physique. Or possibly you live in a colder climate, where by late October a mankini or cupid costume would be unthinkable without a cashmere pashmina at the very least. Besides, Halloween’s supposed to be about scary stuff, right? For you, there's Takeda Shingen Japanese Samurai Armor, which comes with a face mask and sword. Also some pretty kick-ass looking leg guards, or so it appears. You’ll look distinguished and not a little frightening, and you’ll also be a feast for the eyes, with your array of colors, patterns and textures. The armor weighs sixty-five pounds, so you probably won’t do a lot of dancing, but that’s below you in this get-up. Do not sneeze, and try not to drink very much, because you’re going to hate trying to go to the bathroom in this.
And although anything so grand really needs no accessorizing, we suggest purchasing the
Japanese sword cleaning kit, which includes blade oil, rice papers, a powder ball, and maybe a little something extra in that plastic jar on the left; maybe not. No one will know what any of these objects are, so take out the powder ball and treat it as a scepter. It adds just the right touch of Oriental mystery. Everyone will recognize that, for 2008 at least, you owned Halloween, which, by the way, falls on a Friday this year. You’ll have an entire weekend to recover from the party and relive your glory. Get ready now!
Thursday, September 18, 2008
For the more daring—and there are so many of you!—the Borat mankini is selling like hotcakes. We suspect it’s going to be doing some heavy duty on more than just Halloween night. This could be a good time to pull out your chest wig for that truly hirsute, masculine touch. Make sure you’re really working the room in this costume. Drop things like your pen, and slowly bend way over to retrieve them. Show everyone how you’ve been practicing doing the splits. Occasionally act as though the fabric is making your nipples itchy. Don’t forget to keep smiling like a fiend, and that fiddling with the costume below the waist level, as it works its way into your every nook and cranny, is completely forbidden, despite the fact that you’ll be longing for relief. If you can’t stand fabric encroachment maybe you’re more suited to our #3 special, shown a few days ago.
Carry this with you at all times; it’s why you have the pen:
The I’d Like to Do This with You notepad. You’ll be busily checking boxes and filling these out with your phone number and/or email address. Give one to every woman in the room, and maybe to a few of the better-looking men. Most will laugh, but a few will slyly stick the note in their pocket, and in a week or two your social life will be off the scale.
If you’re the rugged outdoorsman type, try the Men’s Funny Adult Hillbilly Costume Redneck Overalls and Hat Beer Belly White Trash Party Outfit (hat included, beer sold separately). You might also want to consider your mullet wig cap for this ensemble. Spend most of the evening sitting down, your beer bottle balancing precariously on your gut while you do you some whittlin’, some spittin’ on the floor and some hyena-like drunken laughin’. Yee haw!
Accessorize with a set of Billy Bob teeth—we’re rather partial to the “Jethro” model, shown here, although models like the Cletus and Huntin’ N Fishin’ will also do quite nicely—and a
Ronco pocket fisherman or two, and you’re ready to give this costume the kind of richly nuanced, fully developed look it needs to be a true standout.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Spread some Halloween love. This costume comes with a mini fat suit—we won’t even start to enumerate its other possible uses, but there are so many of them that we felt comfortable leaving out the wig and sandals. You do, however, get the bow and arrow, the heart-covered wings (again, products that you’ll undoubtedly use again and again all year long), the tunic and the sash (which imparts a bit of a Miss America vibe that those of you with good legs can really capitalize upon). You probably already have some footwear that will be perfectly suitable for this costume, as if any of us knows what kind of shoes cupids wear. And the blond Screech wig isn’t any more cupid-like than your own heavenly tresses. We suggest you try draping the tunic as shown, so that the heart on your pretend protruding buttocks is always in view. Oh, and don’t walk during the party—this costume demands skipping at all times.
You’ll undoubtedly take a ribbing from your friends for wearing this in public, so accessorize wisely with
fruit-scented Skipping is Gay air freshener. That way you’ve got a delicious hint of insouciant self-mockery as you skip about the room, spreading the love, the freshness, and that certain indefinable something known only as “you.” If anyone laughs, it’s time for that bow and arrow.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Oh, yeah. If your idea of a good Halloween party involves having everyone’s eyes on your crotch (or thereabouts), this is the costume that best suits your temperament, or at least one of the top contenders. We recommend doing a lot of jumping around like a runner warming up, or a lot of early-morning-like stretches. At all times you must appear to be completely unaware of the massive plastic scrotum that’ll be clinging to your thigh. Hope you dress left, because that’s how you’ll be hangin’ on Halloween.
This costume hardly needs accessorizing, but we suggest at least briefly wearing some
giant inflatable hands. They’ll help keep your overall scale/ratio more realistic. Make one of many popular gestures with one hand—we’re fond what the package calls “devil horns or rock-n-roll.” Carefully mold the other hand around your pants pendulum and leave it in that “cupped” position. Do an occasional hearty adjustment, with mucho gusto.
If people question your proportions (they’re so cruel), you can head them off at the pass by packin’
five pounds of fake fat. You can either wave it around in your big hands, claiming this is the weight you lost when you took up jogging, and that you’re sure things will even out soon, or you can carefully duct tape it inside your shorts (the positioning’s entirely up to you) and let it speak for itself. At this point the costume doesn’t ask people to stare, it commands. Just make sure you look really, really happy and the world will be your oyster.
Monday, September 15, 2008
The hard part’s going to be holding your face in this position most of the evening, but if you can pull that off and maintain at least the semblance of a monkeylike stance, you’ll be a dead ringer for the real thing:
Make it even more realistic by putting some élan and enthusiasm into your time as a cymbal-playing monkey; become the monkey as thoroughly as possible, with all your simian heart. Cavort about, scratch yourself and perform as many silly cartoon-like monkey shenanigans as you can think of. People are intensely drawn to cymbal-playing monkeys, although most are unable to explain the attraction, and they’ll find you particularly arresting in these slimming, vertically striped pants.
Your special accessory will be
some anti monkey butt powder. You’ll sorely need it, too; jumping around making monkey sounds, attempting to synchronize your cymbal crashing with your eye blinking, teeth baring and breathing while wearing heat-trapping tailed trousers means you’ll be awash in butt sweat in no time. But it’ll be okay—no one will confuse you with the goosh pants guy, because this stuff really works. Wave the container around and be sure to announce that you’re going to the powder room. Then spill some on your shoes so that people are sure you’ve applied enough product when you return, refreshed. Generously offer to share the powder with anyone who looks hot or crotchety. “Don’t worry, it’ll absorb moisture and reduce irritation, not turn into a big load of pants gravy,” you can assure them, reassuringly.
Yes, there’s a chance that someone’s going to take your cymbals away from you before the party ends, possibly even quite early in the evening. But for the next several years people will probably give you cymbal-playing monkeys as gifts. So see? It’ll all be worth it.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
You probably know just the person for this costume, right? It’s that friend of yours who ends up looking this way after most parties, except that usually he doesn’t wear white.
Check out the rear view. This is such a great costume. All you need to do is practice walking as though you don’t want the pants to touch your skin anywhere. (Accomplished easily if you wear shoes that hurt.) I love that the pants seem slightly too short, are completely devoid of style, and appear to be made of some really transparent material that clings unattractively. Be sure to wear underwear that’s very visible beneath the pants, and to keep pulling the pants up so that the elastic waistband is as high as you can bear.
To accessorize this costume, wear a shirt with a pocket in it (since the pants appear to be pocket-free). In that pocket, you’ll have
your sweet, sweet tube of chicken poop lip junk. It doesn’t really contain chicken poop or any other kind of poop, but with this outfit no one will believe that. Re-apply frequently throughout the evening, pointing out to anyone within earshot that this poop comes from free range chickens, while licking your lips enthusiastically, and giving your pants a little hoist.
If your shirt pocket’s big enough, throw in a
fart whistle and give it the occasional toot. You might not win the best-prize costume, you may be asked to walk home, but you will make an indelible impression.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
For the next week we’re going to be having a special pre-Halloween costume sale, and each day we’ll also feature a lovely product or two that you can use to accessorize your costume. Don’t just buy a costume, take it out of the box and wear it like everyone else. You’ve got to become the character you’re portraying with all your heart and soul; you’re like an actor rehearsing for a life-altering role. This is your big chance, so pay close attention.
Remember Air Trix? You got a Styrofoam ball, and had to keep it suspended in an “airstream” that came from your battery-operated air gun. You maneuvered your way through an exciting and challenging obstacle course and then you went out and got a bowl cut. Good times!
There was also the Balancing Clown, “the game of high wire action.” The spinner would tell you which way to move the clown (why so many options with only two directions? I was never sure either). It was your job to navigate Mr. Creepy Clown on his journey from one end of the wire to the other, then to knock down your opponent’s flag. But I’m assuming you and your opponent both had sticks, no? That’s how we played it, and we didn’t exactly take turns; it was more of a free-for-all stickfest. Either way, the clown was so spooky I rarely had the guts to play this game unless an adult was around. This starry-eyed big-smiler and his plaid pants still haunt some of my worst dreams.
I simply adored Crossfire, the fastest rapid-fire action game ever. You used a gun to fire ball bearings at pucks, thereby scoring goals. But who ever bothered aiming at the pucks? Not me! Basically, this was our parents’ way of giving us carte blanche to shoot little guns at each other, and we needed no further encouragement. I’m going to have to find another one of these, because I’m getting all misty-eyed remembering the hours of fun and bruises we got out of this.
One of many peoples’ favorites (not mine, though) was the Famous Flying Floogle in his whip flying plane. Boy, you could really hurt someone with this, that’s all I can say. I still sport a rather large-ish Floogle scar on my right temple. The person who put it there knows who she is and should still be on guard, because one of these days I will have my revenge, and it will be sweet. Maybe after I find a replacement Crossfire game…
Friday, September 12, 2008
Hey, alla y’all who are over six…let’s spend a live action weekend with Jamie Lynn Spears, play her PVD game, and just sorta see what Jamie Lynn does in her spare time. Or what she used to do with it; now that she has a baby her weekends probably aren’t much like whatever’s depicted in this product. Maybe she even had to get a part-time job at Orange Julius or some place. Whatever she’s up to, as an on-the-go pseudo-famous relative of a failing pop star and a teenage mother to boot, she’s someone to emulate, except in her choice of neckwear. Let’s face it, we could all benefit from a weekend spent walking a few miles in her moccasins. Or strolling a few malls in her stilettos, whatever it is she does. By Monday her poster will be prominently displayed in your locker. You’ll feel so close to her after your weekend together, it’ll be like, “Jamie, call me when the baby’s napping, ‘kay? Peace out!” and you’ll truly care about her just for who she is, and not because of her big sis.