Rat in me kitchen

Got up this morning, went into the kitchen to make coffee, opened the cupboard and found an early Valentine’s gift from better half perched beside the mugs.
















Wasn’t he sweet, hiding them like that for maximum early morning enjoyment? This man is fluent in the language of love, let me tell you. And over the years he’s taught me enough that I, too, am capable of making the occasional romantic gesture, which is why he’ll be getting a love coupon book after dinner tonight.

‘Course, I removed all the coupons for things like back rubs, lap dances and snuggling. Hey, there are still three “control television all day” coupons, several that are good for a full-house vacuum, and one offering 50% off on a sincere show of empathy, so he still got the better end of this deal.

When it gets too familiar I'll be gone

And the world gives a collective sigh, sucks it up and returns to business as usual, which is particularly cruel during a cold snap, right? Believe it: this week is one of the most-complained-about in the year, with statistics showing a record-breaking number of people faking sick yesterday simply because they couldn’t bear the idea of going back yet. Getting up extra early to scrap ice and snow off the windshield, then head off to workland doesn’t even begin to compare with the wondrous extra hours of sleep and leisure many of us were just starting to get used to before they were cruelly yanked away and replaced with—well, whatever you want to call it, it’s not fun. Little wonder this is one of the most popular times of year to contemplate, if not actually enjoy, an escape, preferably of the tropical and luxuriant variety.

And although my budget this year couldn’t absorb much beyond a glass of wine and a few hours spent messing around with Google Earth, I’m enjoying padding around the house in my new Silver Travel Trailer slippers as I wish I could really Airstream my way outta here.

Who me, rushed?

Can’t believe it’s just four days until Christmas? Me, too, and it happens every time, even when I think I've been paying attention.



















And this year, due in large part to my do it later day planner, I really haven't been paying attention. This planner allowed me to spend most of 2009 on the meticulous upkeep of my ability to ignore and postpone even the major issues. Actually, now that the year’s practically over, I’m glad I did most of it later or not at all, because it didn’t feel worthwhile at the time and I’m still having difficulty taking any of it seriously.

The last minute Christmas shopping’s no exception; seems like the closer it gets to that Friday morning deadline, the easier I become to please, and the stronger my desire to just buy something, already, and get back home. Not having really any excess cash this year only helped speed things along, and I’m proud to say that other than a few last minute stocking stuffers, I think I’m finished with the shopping.


















I was particularly pleased with this year’s selection for my mother-in-law. We all have at least one nearly impossible to buy for person on our holiday gift list, don’t we? That certain someone for whom purchasing a present is mandatory, but about whose personal tastes and preferences our knowledge is relatively nonexistent, and hopefully can remain a pristine and intact unopened door in the house of life. Last year she bought me a sweater covered with jungle animals, each one sporting a crystal necklace, and it’s in a similar spirit of giving and warmth that I’ll be offering her the holiday tart burner with snowman slide. Will she like it? Do I care?
















By the way, the little tarts are sold separately, and taste delicious once they’ve been properly burnt. Shown here: cranky cranberry flavor, which I thought seemed ideal for my special someone. Feels great to be just about done prepping for this holiday!

You're the top

Our family has never been the type to do anything conventionally or to play by rules. Don’t get me wrong—we’re not completely outside the realm of what’s considered normal—it’s just that we’re never quite solidly in normal’s court either. I cannot remember a single holiday where our tree had anything as traditional as a star, or even anything lit-up, as its focal point.

And last year’s post-holiday clean up was also pretty typical: I’ve got this habit of putting various personal belongings in plastic bags and dropping them off at Goodwill as a lazy woman’s method of housecleaning/hoard-resistance. Then I waste many subsequent hours wondering where these things are.


















Result: an additional holiday decorating issue arose the other day: we need a new Christmas tree topper. (Not really, I thought, but better half trods a more well-worn path and was insistent). So, we went to the closest Kmart and had at it, giving up at least ten minutes of hard-earned free time. I voted for this cthulu holiday decorations topper. It incorporates both red and green and works on any sized tree. My vote was overridden, though, and I was not surprised.


















Better half lobbied vigorously for this topper with Spock. Yeah, I had to agree, the Vulcan salute with its “live long and prosper” aftermath, is a perfectly sound sentiment for this time of year, but I just couldn’t feel the love. I was ready for a tiebreaker and/or an immediate trip back home.

A few sulky moments ensued, but then we both found this lighted rock ice triple candle topper right in the check-out aisle, and—really, need I say anything else? It was just over the top enough. One of my coolest friends saw it and gasped, “Good gaudy, Miss Maudie!” and I knew I’d hold on to this baby for at least a few more years.

Maketh Merry

Our time-honored methods of dividing the chores left holiday decorations firmly in my court yet again this year, which meant the theme (eat, drink and be merry, minus the “eat” part) remains largely unchanged. Let’s face it: anything that gets you through a few days of enforced family fun-n-intensity is worth a certain amount of hoopla and hullabaloo. I hung the serene yoga diva Christmas ornament in a prominent place, near Joyous Julie, who’s sure to provide refills on demand. Umbrella drinks and yoga: such an excellent pairing, I didn’t mind the lack of any actual tie-in to Christmas, or any other December holiday.













The wine elf trio turned out to be excellent company for Wine Santa, although I never knew the elves were actually Claus family members. Living at the North Pole and spending all one’s spare time in the manufacture of toys clearly results in a certain amount of in-breeding, a great deal of facial hair and a smattering of alcoholism. It’s par for the course.

















Finding this set of wine-themed Christmas ornaments on the same shopping trip (different store) seemed almost magical. And then, finding a great wine sale on the way home from the mall made the entire venture seem cosmically-driven, meant-to-be and practically worthwhile.

After the boys of summer are gone

It’s almost winter, and you’ve probably been enjoying the first few airings of your warm-weather wardrobe. Kind of nice to wear long sleeves again, to need a jacket when stepping outside, walking briskly in order to generate enough body heat to stay comfy-cozy after all those months of heat and humidity. It’s always refreshing at first, kind of like that initial snowfall.

You might be tempted to believe that your best friend, the dog, would also enjoy an extra layer or two. But unless you live in an extremely cold climate and have one of those really frou-frou ultra-sensitive lap-dogs, you can probably reconsider. Don’t forget, someone’s wearing a coat 24/7 and it works better than yours.











Jasper, our product model, is not only uncomfortable in his sweater, he’s somewhat emasculated by its hint of lavender, as well as the subtle touch of argyle. He’s smiling only because we’re holding a large morsel of food in the air. Yes, of course, we gave it to him. He deserved it after this modeling session.










And although he’s slightly more at ease in the laid-back hoodie, he’d still prefer canine nudity, as would virtually every dog. This time we picked up a stick and pretended we were about to throw it, but as soon as the picture was taken, Jasper was rolling around in the grass, trying to remove this article of clothing.










For some reason, maybe because they’re used to collars, dogs don’t seem to mind a bit of jaunty neckwear quite so much. Pepper enjoyed this handsome scarf both as an accessory and a chew toy, and he was the star of the dog park that day. Still, he made it patently clear that if given a choice he'd never wear it again.

You can look, but you better not touch

Now that Thanksgiving’s over we’ve all taken the dreaded plunge into holiday season, which means the seasonable, yet unreasonable, requests have already been pouring in. Could I bring something to the office party, the church bake sale, the kids’ celebration at school, the “get over here and buy a candle” event that my boss forces us all to attend, the neighborhood pot-luck, and the get-together my reading club thinks I’ll be attending? Absolutely not – what do I look like, Suzy Homemaker over here? Aren’t I going to have enough hassle just getting a few basic decorations in place and maybe a present or two purchased for immediate family members without also having to feed the hungry holiday crowd? Besides, I’m kind of in an enforced period of cutting back on pretty much everything, which means providing party trays and large amounts of sweets and baked goods just isn’t going to be feasible.

However, since I like to at least appear to be participating, I purchased a few party trays featuring incredible inedibles. As I rush in with my (chilled and Saran-wrapped) plates, I’ll look like I was busily cutting cheese and vegetables, and folding meat with the best of ‘em. Then I’ll beat a hasty retreat, hoping no one really noticed who brought what, because these trays don’t contain real food. The good thing is, they’re expensive and realistic, so with a little dusting off I should be able to pawn these off on well-meaning holiday party attendees for years to come; I’m considering them investment pieces. And, as is the case with my foody erasers, I fully expect to find teeth marks on at least one or two items, which I shall chisel off before next year.

The windy lights of autumn flare

Happy Thanksgiving! I’m never sure how the food aspects of the day are going to turn out, but I feel pretty cocky about my lighting choices, so there’s a load off my mind. One shouldn’t make the mistake of underestimating the importance of a well-lit holiday. Many people look back at photographs from years gone by in bewilderment, uncertain as to why their celebratory experiences didn’t quite live up to expectations. Lighting may have been one of the myriad reasons why. (Well, that and the guest list.)

And, hey, even if lighting wasn’t the culprit, no harm done by attempting to brighten your day, right? This year, in a rare burst of almost-experienced good cheer, I went out and got some holiday lights. They’re not just for Christmas any more, you know. Oh, no, they’ve come a long way, baby, as if anything hasn’t.

















I started with myself for a change. Usually I am not the kind of person who lights herself in any way. However, if you look at my spankin’ new turkey t-shirt (below) you’ll notice the forest seems to be backlit. I figure if I pin the turkey body light somewhere in the region of my right collar bone, it may appear to be the shirt’s light source. I know, I know. Pretty elaborate stuff, but really, it didn’t take as long to come up with the concept as you might think. Truth is, as soon as I read in the ad copy that I could expect extra goodies with my order, I was incapable of resistance. I am so weak that way! And I won’t ruin the surprise – I’ll just say that my extra goodies certainly lived up to the $1.99 price tag.

In the front window I just hung










a Thanksgiving window decoration that supposedly looks like a turkey. Maybe not from across the street, but once you get up close you can tell that it’s a turkey, or some kind of bird, right? Eh, it can look like abstract art for all I care; it’s too late now because getting this guy into the proper position took almost half the morning and now I’m vaguely cranky and have to get back to cooking duties. In other words, I’m leaving him there for at least a week (he’ll still be out there in February, mark my words.)

But the obvious focal point is going to be


















the beautiful turkey lamp. This guy looks great—warm and welcoming, he greets your friends and family with “classic gobble grace,” whatever that means. Maybe he’ll remind them to consume their meal in a similar fashion.

Here’s to you and yours! May you all be enjoying a bright and wonderful holiday together, having a fabulous time, and making new memories that will remain eternally tinged with classic gobble grace.

Back business

Threw my back out the other day, fighting with this terribly annoying woman at the store who swore she’d seen my newest holiday t-shirt moments before I did. She didn’t know who she was up against; needless to say, the shirt’s now living in my closet, excitedly awaiting its debut on Thursday. Problem is, I always seem to pay a stiff price for showing the world not to cross me, and this time was no exception.


















After a couple of days I was resorting to extreme grooming techniques. I try to keep myself pulled together even during the difficult times. The back pain was becoming exquisitely unbearable, preventing me from thinking about anything else, and that was before I cut off part of my big toe.












Luckily the Sacro Wedgy came to my rescue. Kind of like a comforting (male or female) hand down the back of one’s pants, Sacro Wedgy’s there to provide just enough of a strange annoying sensation to distract you from your back pain. Then you’ll relax a little, and the pain level really will decrease. It also kind of makes you walk funny – and, of course, people will notice when the product is in use, so we’ve color coded them for both men and women, which made sense at one point in the design process. I’m already seeing and feeling the difference, and the wedgy is worth the wedgie.

















The new Thanksgiving shirt was clearly worth the pain and almost any amount of monetary sacrifice, and I’m sure that woman from the store is hurting even more than I am. My facial expression may not be believable, but I’m experiencing about all the thankfulness I can muster at the moment.

Walk like a man

A two-pack of personal debris removal systems! What genius came up with this idea and a half? Imagine each step a clean sweep, enabling you to walk backwards on a beach and leave no footprints, or to have the cleanest sidewalk on your street. And just picture what you could do with “the plow,” those of you in colder climates!

The best part about this product is that it’s actually an empty box, because there’s no such thing as Kleen Stride, although we fully believe there should be. And $7.99 isn’t really so bad for an empty box…although, again, we’re going to have to hit you with a large-ish shipping and handling charge, because empty boxes require twice the man-hours and effort.

Worth every penny

You may have thought the days of being able to purchase anything for a penny were long over, but you were wrong, my friend. In 2004 you probably would have parted with about $13 for a bike accessory as cool as Spokey Dokes Sparky Spokes. (said it out loud, didn’t you?) The green plastic spark alone is worth at least a dime, not to mention the snazzy rhyming product name—and you haven’t even seen it in action! This baby is 16.1 pounds of fun, folks! That’s why we’re going to have to charge you $12.99 for shipping & handling. But the product itself costs only one cent, which we think is pretty tough to beat. Call within the next twenty minutes; you know we can’t do this all day.

Coming soon: moustache panache

Flair Hair = truly irresistible. My weakness for faux tresses is apparently endless, and this particular brand really appealed to my inner Guy Fieri.

Yeah, him. He heartily approved of this purchase. But if you’re not blond and into the flame thing, like me & Guy, don't worry. Flair Hair is available in a variety of colors and visor styles, as well as children’s sizes. The hairdo, however, is non-negotiable. If you’re going to wear a visor, this is de rigeur. Perfect for those days when you’re just a little short on time and taste, Flair Hair! Allow it to take you to places you’ve never even envisioned.

For all your 2,000 parts

And we know those parts are pretty much all super-sized; you're a good, solid specimen. This product’s particularly for guarding your burly elbows. Please don’t say they aren’t burly, because we’ve been following you around and even taking some clandestine from-behind photos, and not only do we think you’ve got burly elbows, we find your calves to be rather buff. In fact, your shoulders are also mighty fierce, and we mean from just about every angle—have you been working out? You’re looking good, my friend—as good as a living large dad! So don’t forget to protect those elbows. They may look burly, but they have a sensitive aspect that people don’t see at first.

Wear them with your brawny pants

because those legs of yours are also looking massive, strapping and thickset, and don't forget your

colossal t-shirt, for those commodious upper arms and your ample chestal region. After all, your clothes should match your bodily proportions and possess that bigger than life quality that you’re oozing these days. At least one in three of you, that is.

By the way, if any of these product combinations are ordered within the next fifteen seconds or so we’ll be pleased as punch to wrap them, at absolutely no extra charge to you, in the

hunky torso gift bag and include a fan letter. You’re on fire this week, your largeness!

As the old commercial said...

“Calgon, take me away!” Someone had to take us away. We certainly weren’t capable of much escape. The kids were whining, everyone wanted dinner, there was someone at the door and the phone was ringing…what kind of crazy, multi-tasking Stepford Wife did we think we were, trying to have it all and be it all, attempting to bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never, ever let you forget you’re a man all while looking serene and smelling dishy?

And that was in the 1970s! How much less time do you have now? Studies show you now have significantly less, and that, in fact, your free time is about to be declared an endangered species. So, that long-n-lazy bubble bath is probably out of the question. But you can quickly squirt on the same scent, and hopefully experience the same amount of transport. I’m about to be a heavy user of this product, because I’m about to take a vacation. So, come on, Calgon, let’s see what you got!

I wear my sunglasses at night

Ad copy for these fabulous spy gear spy vision glasses states that they’re immensely popular because kids expect the same results they see on-screen. Well, duh, don’t we all? Then, unlike the formula used in most advertisements, the honesty factor is suddenly upped: the cool looking (not seen here) techno-pack “actually just holds batteries.” Whoa. And then: “Don’t expect much.” Almost makes you want to reconsider the purchase, doesn’t it? As if that’s not enough, the next sentence delivers what should be the kiss of death: we’re informed that the glasses “are useless for deflecting UV rays, exploring underwater, or—not so surprising—penetrating darkness.” What the hell is going on here? Why are we being told these...facts? Does someone not understand the way product advertising is supposed to work? Where's the hype, the lies, the exaggeration? And yet, such blatant honesty must be working, because there are only a few left in stock. Frankly, we’re refreshed, yet confused...and that’s a sensation not frequently experienced, so bonus points have been awarded.

Livin' the dream

I don’t know about you, but I’m one of those people who’s getting older every single day. This year I decided to let my Halloween costume celebrate my aging process, rather than wasting all that nutty time on appearances, smoke and mirrors. These costume accessories may appear manly, but they are going to be extra-cool on a woman.

For starters, I got some over the hill gums. Yeah, my gums probably look a lot like this anyway, but I’ll admit, I wasn’t brave enough to take this costume all the way to its potential. These are also going to be great for those times when I feel like there’s something caught in my teeth that I can’t get out and I’m in a public place.

Also got some geezer nose hair glasses. I wore them to the grocery store and hardly got a reaction, hmph. Maybe the glasses are just too much like the ones I normally wear…

I know, I know…old isn’t all that original an idea. A lot of you are trying it these days, some with amazing results. But here’s why I’ll be rockin’ the oldster like few others:

It’s a subtle touch, but when people notice my Dio ring, they’ll know how much I really care about this whole old thing.

Now, hold still and don't breathe

We were having a difficult time getting into the Halloween spirit this year, largely for economic reasons. In fact, I did the math, and carefully figured out that every penny spent on something Halloween oriented will not be available for our numerous other needs and wants; regret will be paramount and semi-permanent. But my better half got out-of-the-ballpark excited at the prospect of being Mammogram Man for a few hours, and bought this costume before I could stop him. And he loves it—now he can’t stop talking about how many more days until Halloween it is. I can already see him near the end of the evening on the 31st, slurring his words and asking all the women at our party to “put her here,” as he keeps phrasing it. I’ve told him what they’ll do when he says this, but he gets a little boy gleam in his eye and clearly isn’t listening. Maybe he’ll even wear it to work that day!

Nothing but Star Wars, give me those Star Wars

Yeah, you grew up a long time ago, but that doesn’t mean every facet of your life has to bear the dull and stodgy stamp of adulthood, does it? Break free from the pack, thrill your inner child and impress a few of your neighbors when you take out your trash then proudly lid it with the Star Wars Battle Droid Bucket Topper. “Hey, mine didn’t come with one of those!” they’ll be thinking, trying in vain to recall their garbage can purchasing experiences. The kids also might be a little more likely to participate in trash night when you show them how well the lid doubles as a shield, although they’ll probably just stare at you and remind you that Star Wars isn’t cool any more and hasn’t been for about a generation. And yet, there are those of you occupying a certain demographic—we know who you are, and that there’s a bit of expendable income lurking in there—and for you this product is a must-have and will probably inhabit a room filled with similar products, lonely boyhood dreams, and kind of a weird smell. We’re happily prepared to take full advantage of that.

Could it be a faded rose from days gone by?

It’s a well-documented but often overlooked fact that people associate shoes with daybreak, even if they’re doing so on a subconscious lizard-brain level. After all, once a day starts, shoes come into the picture for most of us. Your brain is hardwired to perform associative thoughts such as this without your having to be bothered to think about the reasons why. In fact, you can’t even stop yourself. Some of these associations are quite personal; others are common to all members of the species. When shown a feather, nine people out of ten find themselves ruminating about late afternoon and/or sugar cookies, and nothing quite evokes midnight like talcum powder sitting quietly in a medicine chest—I think we can all agree there.

Which is why it’s no surprise that someone wearing his thinking cap has come up with these fabulous dawn simulators with bulbs, cleverly disguised as a pair of pink patent leather flats. It’s a fully dimmable full light spectrum box, folks—the only one on the market! You may have to use your imagination at first, or try squinting a little and stepping back from your monitor, but after a while, you’ll see the simulation of dawn, as well as the bulbs (photos are available from other angles, although none captures that bulbous essence as well as this). Bravo, SunRizr! This is one of the best examples of thinking outside the envelope we’ve seen in quite some time.

Happy happy joy joy

Damn, it has been a rough and rugged year, hasn’t it? I actually allowed things to get to me, and not for the first time, may I add. Fell into kind of a rut-like brown study, and before I knew it discontent, worry and a seemingly unending stream of celebrity deaths made it easy to stay on life hiatus, occupying an angsty limbo of vast proportions. Sometimes it can be unreasonably difficult to pull oneself out of these funks, and even more difficult to think of a reason for doing so. I’d even given up my beloved shopping therapy.

But this morning the sun was shining and I felt marginally better, so I headed down my favorite emporium where I purchased this lovely Boo Frickin’ Hoo Have a Cocktail and Get Over It apron. Maybe it’s the stitching on the pocket or the flared hemline, but something about this apron got to me, touched me somewhere deep inside, somewhere probably close to my liver, and reminded me that life’s too short – you’ve got to take the bitter with the sweet, the sour with the umami and the cocktail with the extra shot in it if you want to get through this rat-maze we call modern life. Bottoms up!