Thursday, July 31, 2008

Make it go away

A li’l fast food eraser set! Don’t you want to pick up each item?, because I sure do. I also want to try erasing something with a burger or a hot dog. (or that yummy-looking sponge, tomato and algae sandwich—what fast food item is that supposed to be?) If you buy these, you won’t let people use ‘em, not even yourself. You’ll put the tray of erasers somewhere prominent on your desk, probably at work, and enjoy when others exclaim about the cute little fries and pretend to sip the cola.

Try to notice which co-worker seems most drawn to them, because one day you’ll come back from your lunch break and find teeth marks on that straw, possibly even a bite taken out of the hot dog or the burger (bet they leave the yellow sandwich alone, though). Some people are weird that way. If something looks like food, they’re incapable of resisting the urge to take a bite. I’ve seen it happen countless times with food-shaped candles, food-themed jigsaw puzzles and bowls of wax fruit. Once you’ve identified the guilty party you can have hours of workplace fun, tempting this person with other fake food disguised as erasers, such as the

dessert eraser set. Mighty tempting! There are many other desserts available, including cupcakes and ice cream bars. Or how about

the banana eraser, for the health conscious? In fact, there’s a whole bevy of fruit erasers:

Irresistible, for the most part. The peach is really drawing me in, unlike what I’m assuming must be a kiwi (but is actually a cantaloupe), although wouldn’t it be nice if fruit came with handles?

Another option that’s always well-received by those with a more dignified palate: Dim Sum erasers, sure to be riddled with teeth marks by the end of the work day. Too bad these erasers don’t come with a scratch-n-sniff feature.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Now that's service!

I had an eye-opening experience the other day when I went shopping for a silver wedding anniversary present. In fact, it’s a good thing the couple I was shopping for has been married only sixteen years, because I might need a while to make this decision.

I went to a store (a silver store) and approached the saleslady confidently, saying I wanted a “silver server.” She said, “For what type of food?”

“Does it matter?” I responded. I’d been picturing something like a fancy cake-slicer or maybe a large, embellished spoon. The woman behind the counter strained to reign in her disapproval of my ignorance.

“See, with silver, the food makes a difference,” she explained, talking as if I were a child. “Do you want a fruit or vegetable server?” She then whipped out:

the ornately confusing asparagus server

the oh-so-tempting pea server, with its sweet countenance and just the right amount of shallow depth

the “I’m not sure this’ll work” tomato server

the intriguingly bent-edged cranberry server (I tried to picture cranberries rolling from this little shelf, not sure why it was distinguished in this way from the tomato server, but afraid to reveal even more of my stupidity).

I said no, I didn’t think I wanted any of those, as attractive as they were.

“A pasta server, maybe?” she suggested, opening another display case. I was ready for something resembling the black plastic device I use as a pasta server:

a nice, all-around basic, but most people have one of these, don’t they?

yet I was somehow unprepared for

the no-nonsense utility of the lasagna server, which looked suspiciously like a spatula, but I held my tongue

or the unexpected asymmetrical beauty of the macaroni server, although it looked like it might rough up the macaroni, or expect too much attention

or the pleasing appropriateness of the shell server. I was seriously thinking about buying this one, about ready to leave.

But she wasn’t finished.

“Something from the sea?” she asked, cradling

the sardine server, which I found very pleasing to look at, but how often does anyone serve sardines? So I passed on it as well.

Her impatience was growing, but her list of silver serving devices was still quite large. Eventually we returned to the idea of fruits and vegetables, having exhausted many other options. And I think I’ve settled on this little beauty:

The scalloped potato server. But I didn’t buy it yet. I still need to see about 20 other selections, according to my saleslady, and the store was closing by this time, so I’m still undecided.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

For real

At long last, I can give up one of my most-despised household chores, the dreaded toilet scrubbing. Who knew all I needed was a magnet in my tank? I’m wondering if my magnetic thinking putty might want to get in on this action…that would really give it something to think about, huh? I’m sparing the putty for now. A few minutes ago I walked up to my refrigerator, plucked off my least favorite magnet—an ad for my local drugstore—and tossed it into the toilet tank in the master bathroom. That’s it, right? I’ve scrubbed it for the last time. I’m done! Maintenance free dance!

However, I detect a hint of false advertising in this photo. My magnet did not display sunlike rays of magnetic force. And even when I’ve done my scrubbiest scrubbing, my toilet water has never been such a pool-like aqua-blue, even when I had that one apartment with the pool-like aqua-blue toilet. My toilet water has also never, ever sparkled, so I’m trying not to get my hopes up, but with pictures like this, it’s really hard to self-contain.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Putting the action in action figure

Every woman harbors the secret fear that one of these days she’s going to look in the mirror and realize she’s become the crazy cat lady in her neighborhood. Why is this concept so clichéd and omnipresent? There are plenty of old men who live alone with lots of animals and rarely get dressed, but they don’t elicit much commentary. Somehow, it’s a girl thing. And let’s face it, ladies: one in five of us has a fairly decent chance of becoming a bona fide CCL. Now there’s a way to get used to the idea first, play around with the concept, give the whole lifestyle a bit of a trial run: by purchasing the Crazy Cat Lady action figure! (If you really want to go all out, pair this with the Tub o’Flying Cats. Maybe that will give you pause. Or paws.)

If, after several months of highly enjoyable play-acting, the action figure seems to be sadly lacking in feline companions and you find yourself contemplating the purchase of a second action figure so that the first has more cats, congratulations! You’re almost certain to embrace the crazy cat lady concept wholeheartedly. (In which case, think how cool it will be to have a doll of yourself; there aren’t many with that distinction. If you look a little like an aging Paul Stanley, the resemblance will be eerily uncanny.)

Maybe you'd prefer the OCD action figure. He comes with his own sanitary towelette, gloves and surgical mask so he can remain almost as pristine as he'd like to.
Then he can start counting, and doing things like turning the lights off the proper number of times before he leaves the house.

His packaging includes both a daily schedule and some questions to ask yourself about OCD. You can play and self-diagnose simultaneously.

How about the Albert Einstein action figure? Yeah, we know, most of Albert's action was internal and brain-driven, but he's more active than you might think, and a wizard on the dance floor.

Sigmund Freud is also an unlikely choice for an action figure, but when he catches sight of the Crazy Cat Lady and the OCD guy, he's more than ready for action.

How about the librarian action figure? Unlike the aforementioned action figures, this lady actually has some moves. Well, one move. If you push a button in her back she makes a shushing gesture. She also comes with a neat little pile of books with titles like Bulgarian Flax and Devil's Dictionary. This librarian, like most, is more than she appears to be.

The Moses action figure, complete with staff and ten commandments tablets. Isn't it nice how whomever makes these action figures has selected the crème de la crème of humankind for us to play with?

Such as the beloved lunch lady. Not only is she an action figure, but she comes with her own steam table, and nine stickers representing deliciously nutritious cafeteria meals, such as overcooked hot dogs and something called cook's choice (usually served at the end of the week). She's a credit to her people, and a much-needed addition to the action figure genre.

Who's in your pocket?

Mr. T, that’s who! Not just sitting there quietly, either. He says six things! As you can see, there are individual buttons for each of his clever one-liners. This means that, unlike the old-fashioned talking toys that spoke randomly, forcing you to pull a string repeatedly, hoping your favorite phrase would play, you’ll hear only the clever Mr. T-ism of your choice, such as the ever-popular “I pity the fool,” “Quit your jibba jabba,” and “Shut up, fool.” Plus, as the package says, it’s his real voice, fool! In fact, the package also calls you a sucka, doesn’t it? But this is part of the fun. For those of you too young to remember him, Mr. T was a bit of a surly type, so this just means the manufacturer is keeping it real. You’ll have hours, maybe entire days, of fun working Mr. T’s lines into your dialogue. “Don’t gimme no backtalk, sucka,” goes a lot farther than one would think, and of course “I pity the fool” is truly inexhaustible.

I think this product line should be vastly expanded. Just think of the television characters from days gone by we’d all like to carry around in our pockets! We could choose between things like Gary Coleman saying, “What you talkin’ ‘bout, Willis?”, Joey from “Full House” saying “Cut it out,” or doing some of his endearing Bullwinkle impressions, Jeannie saying, “Yes, master?”, Marcia Brady yelling, “Oh, my nose!”, (or Jan with her “Marcia, Marcia Marcia!” line), Fat Albert’s “Hey, hey, hey!”, the nose-twinkling magic sound made by Samantha on Bewitched, or Redd Foxx yelling, “I’m coming, Elizabeth!” as he fakes yet another heart attack. But for now only Mr. T’s pocket-ready, so try him, sucka. We’re charging only an extra fifteen cents for the keychain feature, which is not removable.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Altogether Leather

We’re running a big summer leather sale, and prices won’t be this low again until the week after Christmas. Visit our showroom this weekend, where trained sales agents will be happy to assist you with hundreds of additional leather products. Hurry, because most of the good stuff is going to be sold today, while you’re stuck at work. Here’s a brief showcase of a few of our best-selling items:

The leather cell phone holster (available with personalization), because a fanny pack looks gay and outdated. And throwing a phone in your pocket isn’t good enough for the likes of you, plus it’s a little too casual an approach for your tastes. A phone holster, on the other hand, imparts a hint of the old West, a touch of cowboy cool, to any look. No, it doesn’t look like a man purse! Okay, maybe a little, but it’s not, so stop saying that. It’s a holster! I ordered mine with the word “holster” printed on it instead of my initials, because that seemed like a great idea at the time. And I might be in the market for a pair of spurs if the holster turns out to be as life-altering as I expect.

The leather tripod stool provides comfortable seating (for those in the 120-pounds-and-under group) with a touch of leathery class. Next time you’re in a long line, whip out your portable leather lounger and don’t even try to ignore the envious glances of those around you. Walking around with a big lawn chair gives one a homeless, passé look that no one much likes, whereas it’s a proven fact that people are drawn to leather, and to sitting. Perfect for the obvious uses—outdoor events, concerts, parades, firework displays, crowded buses—it’s also great at imparting just the right amount of sarcasm when someone’s holding you up a little longer than necessary. Try it and see.

A dozen leather roses, just because we care. If you think women get mawkishly sentimental when given flowers, wait ‘til you see the look on your gal’s face when you pair the romance of roses with the sturdy masculinity of leather. This photo does no justice to the product, by the way. These roses are monumental. Try not to let it bother you when she decides to replace the ugly dated wooden vase. You don’t really like it either. Leather is the traditional gift for third wedding anniversaries, so all you newlyweds out there: heads up!

The inimitable leather flyswatter. Blood and fly guts create mesmerizing, Rorschach-test-like stains on the leather, and that’s cool. Used with enough precision, the swatter maintains an accurate count of how many flies you’ve dispatched while adding to the overall effect of your leather-clad tough-guy exterior. And then there’s that leather smell. It’s damn near irresistible, especially after you hear the really bad-ass sound it makes when you hit someone with it.

With all this leather you know you're going to need a personalized branding iron. I want one so much it’s making me feel slightly sick to my stomach. When you add up all the things you want to take a hot branding iron to, it’s mind-boggling. Everyone will know what’s yours, from the food on your plate to the backside of the little lady who cooked it. The sound and aroma of hot metal searing into any substance, particularly flesh, turn out to be relatively addictive, and we just know you’ll be dreaming up many inventive uses for this little sizzler. Purchase any three items and we’ll throw in the branding iron for half price, while supplies last.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

CD burner

It’s amazing to me that some people have to buy these, whereas I’ve stopped buying CDs and cigars because of this very scenario. What an idiot I am—I’d been throwing them away instead of selling them on eBay, or at least trying to pawn a few. Rest assured I won’t make that mistake again.

Apparently this is a gag gift, intended to enrage your music-loving acquaintances or the many cigar aficionados with whom you socialize, or to be used as a seat saver. (Because nothing says “this seat taken” like a CD that’s been burnt by a stogie.) The manufacturer doesn’t bother saying whose CDs have been destroyed, or whether the CD or cigar are even real. I think we can all agree that just about any do-it-yourself type could pull this off. Seriously, folks, try this one at home.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Or are you just happy to see me?

Back in pre-GPS days, mariners used sextants to determine their position as they roamed the seven seas. All they had to do was measure the altitude of the sun, the moon, or a prominent star, then look up the resulting coordinates in a nautical almanac, and they could pinpoint their location with a relatively high degree of accuracy. More recently, GPS devices, maps and simple common sense have been the most popular ways of determining one’s position on the face of the earth, but why be part of the madding crowd? Show ‘em your individuality with a pocket sextant, which says, “I’m a Renaissance kind of guy,” or “I’m comfortable in my own skin,” or at least “I don’t care how my pants hang.”

Please note: this pocket sextant has not been calibrated and is not intended for navigational purposes. So, don’t tell anyone. In fact, don’t even tell them it’s primarily a nautical device. Just walk around, being your cool, uniquely individual self, and whip this out every once in a while, peering through its eyepiece and nodding knowingly. The multitude of protruding parts leaves most people overwhelmed by an intense weariness. “What’s that? It looks too complicated,” they think, and they’re right. But since it doesn’t really work, who cares? The point is to make you seem complicated, and if you walk around with this in any of your pockets, that goal will be accomplished. Nautical almanac not sold, because, for the third time, this thing isn’t in working order. Besides, if you have both the sextant and the almanac, you kind of look like you’re taking it too seriously. So stick with just the sextant. It imparts that gadget-y masculine funk every guy secretly covets, and is a fantastic conversation starter. We’ll leave the navigating up to you; you really do know your way around.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Toys in the attic/Memory Lane #1

Let's take a little trip back in time, and remember some of the great toys of our youth, shall we?

Check it out! A vintage toy with twice the power of the Airzooka. You can play fast! And notice the package says it uses free air. Man, were those the days, or what? Is it just me, or do most of the fun games shown on the top of the box look extra-phallic?

Check out this old Mattel toy! Talk about pre-PC days. It's for all ages, because insanity knows no boundaries. Bats were in my belfry by the time I was about 6.

And don't you love how this old battery-operated boat has an automatic bailer? The folks at Ideal knew the thing wasn't going to stay afloat, but they had good intentions; they were Idealists.

Why didn't I ever get this for Christmas? Really, no need for the past tense. I still want this for Christmas. I'm sure there's no expiration date on the box.

And why didn't you ever get this? Talk about a box o'fun! "Cycle zips through gate and cop goes flying." "Cop flies out of chimney." When we were kids, game manufacturers knew what was good, clean fun: hitting cops with motorcycles that we could steer ourselves. Why we ever gave that up is beyond my ken.

A fabulous gift for any child on any occasion. I'll never forget receiving a package of puffing smoke cigarettes at my first communion.

Another perfect boy-toy (complete with rock quarry and rocks!) It even won a merit award! And it blows up everything harmlessly! I really don't think one could ask for much more than that from a toy. There are many things I'd like to blow up harmlessly. Don’t even know where to start. This is the junior version; I hope there was a senior dynamite blaster.

Wow, this really makes me want to be a kid again!

Sock it to me

My legs are keeping up with my now-very-strong toes, thanks to my Titanium Health Stockings. Once I experienced the joy of fit toes I began to crave super-human strength in other body parts, as most of us do at one time or another. And trust me: when these guys say, “Feel the power of titanium,” they’re not kidding! The grip on these babies is intense, and they leave an indentation underneath my knee so deep it’s often still there 24 hours after I’ve taken the socks off. I wish they were leg-length, because I’m already craving stronger thighs. (Not recommended for arm use; our lawyers have instructed us not to say anything more than that at this time.) Patent pending.

As the package states, the stockings help with circulation, tired legs and ankle pain (mostly via distraction; they’re quite uncomfortable). But best of all, they work on toe sensitivity! Maybe you’ve never dealt with this painful and embarrassing condition. If so, count your lucky stars, because there’s nothing funny about sensitive toes. They blanch at the idea of shoes, blush if anyone looks at them, and bawl like babies at the stupidest, most blatantly sentimental commercials—it’s downright embarrassing.

Once you’ve freed yourself of pesky toe sensitivity, you can kick the shit out of just about anything! Again, we exhort you to feel the power of titanium! Your legs will be healthy, your toes will become hardier and scoff at the memory of being sensitive, and instead of chronic leg fatigue, you’ll be dealing only with that chronic below-knee indentation, rendering you practically unstoppable.

For those of you paying attention, there’s something to be learned here, a possibly painful life lesson about truth in advertising that you might as well learn now and get over quickly. This advertisement displays a prime example of unrealistic product exaggeration—it’s unfortunate, but this does sometimes occur (very, very seldom). The socks don’t actually protect your legs with a force field, nor do they give your legs a bluish magnetic aura. I know, it’s sad. However, we do provide some hand-held lights which will provide an effect similar to the one seen here for only $19.95. Coming soon to a garage sale near you!

Monday, July 21, 2008

Have it Your Way

Lack of burger standardization need no longer be an item on your pet peeve list. With Adjust-a-Burger, you can turn out consistent, identical burgers of any thickness or weight. Make Junior’s a quarter-pounder with cheese. Dad might want something a little bigger than that. Also consider the thin-type of burger available at most fast food joints, capable of being fully overwhelmed by even the wimpiest bun. Now you can finally have those at home!

Maybe you’re lacking the basic hand-eye coordination and mental judgment needed to form a patty into a vaguely specific shape and size. It can be your little secret! Or maybe we’re way off base. Let’s say you’re perfectly capable of that, but so emphatic about exact measurements that perfect circles and uniform thickness are of paramount importance to you when it comes to food. None of this shapeless randomness for your plate—why do you think they’re round, after all? Or perchance you don’t like handling raw meat and think this will help (not much, when you think about it). We’ve got you covered either way.

Needless to say, like any good 21st century product, Adjust-a-Burger easily adapts to other foods, creating uniform patties of crab, tuna, salmon, turkey, chicken, steak, pork chops, and even members of other food groups (produce is the weak link here). Try making a perfect circle of scrambled eggs (okay, we haven’t been too successful with that one either, or with circular salads, but we’ve made ice cream sandwiches that were a beauty to behold). Use it as a cookie or biscuit cutter, a serving device (my family always appreciates a perfect circle of mashed potatoes or rice plated next to their regulation-weight burgers), or as an attractive method of serving or storing smaller foods like wedding mints. It’s all the things you need in a circular shape and then some.

My brother: Vis-à-vis the Dial-a-burger, I used to have a big mayo jar lid that I (had to) use for that purpose, at work. Sadly, we could only make 6 oz. burgers with it.

Back in those days (of uniform, though unadjustable) burgers only needed to be one size. And we liked it.

Not like these pampered brats of today. And nobody would have been so frivolous as to even consider OTHER circular food items. Ever. This product represents the decline of civilization as we know it.

I wish I had one.

Sweet Musical Sensation

You’ll probably find yourself hiding the singing frog candy bowl (you knew that’s what it was immediately, right?). When filled with candy, it’s almost too much of a kid magnet. There’s the deliciousness of sweets, the awesomeness of a partially dissected frog, and—clearly the pièce de résistance—the frog emits the song “Nobody Knows the Trouble I’ve Seen.” (and truly, nobody does). We shouldn’t need to say anything more than that to make you buy this.

Manufacturer suggests use as a Halloween candy dispenser, which is a great idea. I often use mine as a soup tureen, a planter, and occasionally for a footbath at the end of a hard day. And trust me on this one: just about anything tastes way better when eaten in the proximity of a gored self-pitying amphibian. Coming soon: eviscerated rat silver platter, roadkill armadillo cookie jar, and playing possum cake stand. We think we’re gonna stick with the same song, because it’s really popular with the dead animal product lovers. Look for the “Nobody Knows” line at a knick-knack emporium near you!

My brother: Is that frog candy dish really a product that I can buy? Sweet Jesus, my niche has found me.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Maybe you can't buy love

But you can box fun! This is a box of 25 wrapped pieces o’fun, which is really quite a lot of fun when you get right down to it. These guys know fun, too—check out a few of the samples. I see two whistles, a little set of maracas (fun!), a die, a plastic game of tic-tac-toe, a top, a toy airplane, and several increasingly small and difficult to make out pieces o'fun, which may well be much more enjoyable than the big, obvious items like the plastic xylophone. Are those peace signs or Mercedes Benz hood ornaments or tiny Speed Racer steering wheels? Is that a blimp ring or a blimp keychain, or just a blimp dangling a yellow circle o’fun? I don’t know. And I don’t care, as long as I’m having my fun. (Ooh, is that a plastic sheriff’s badge, and a tiny plastic toy gun? I think so!) I’m on tenterhooks waiting for my box o’fun to arrive. Every car that drives by has me racing for the front door, hoping it’s the UPS guy. The suspense of not even knowing what some of the fun is going to be—that’s the stuff dreams are made of. You’d have to buy 25 boxes of Cracker Jack to get as much fun as is contained in just one Box o’Fun!

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Transformational breath spray

Long-awaited, never underrated, often debated, for-greatness slated, this is Understand Your Mother Instantly breath spray. Instantly! You’ve tried to understand her for how many years, now, and haven’t even come close. But soon the bonding can begin. Order early; we’re almost always out of stock due to incessant demand. While you’re waiting, why not refresh your breath and expand your horizons in other ways?

Look And Feel Canadian Instantly breath spray! It’s a-boat time, eh? And as the packaging says…succumb to the fantasy. You know, that “I want to be Canadian” fantasy shared by millions.

Or maybe this is more your kind of thing:

Instant Irish Accent breath spray. Especially popular on St. Patty’s Day, but your loved ones will appreciate hearing a bit o’the brogue on a daily basis. Re-enact the old Irish Spring commercials, or ask for your Frosted Lucky Charms without sounding like you’re trying too hard. Better yet, if you already have an Irish accent, this spray will make you sound like you’re from Brooklyn!

Wash Away Your Sins breath spray is the perfect stocking stuffer, a wonderful gift for office mates and acquaintances, something no one should ever be without. Forget all those instant sanitizers; today’s lifestyle requires internal cleaning. Just because it’s a dirty, rotten world doesn’t mean you have to join the fray. As the package says, it’s “for liars, cheaters and wrong-doers.” If you don’t fall into one of those categories, you probably also understand your mother, freak.

Here we have the feel-good choice amongst transformational breath sprays. Happy childhood memories bring out the best in everyone. You know how you sometimes have great moments and think, “I wish I could bottle this so it would last forever”? Well, someone has finally done just that, at least for the great times you had when you were a kid. It’s funny, but after years of experimentation we are still unable to perfect the formula for Instant Happy Adolescent Memories breath spray, or one that works for any of the following stages in life. But you can regress, so who cares?

Transformational breath spray, because products need to do double-duty if they’re going to survive the economic downturn we’re facing. And when you have to start cutting back on the big stuff, won’t it be comforting to know you can spray yourself some happy childhood memories and escape for a few? Yeah, that’ll be nice.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Putty in your hands (but with a mind of its own)

Instead of discussing what this product resembles, let’s cut straight to the chase, lay it on the line and tell it like it is: this is ion thinking putty! Like most putty products, it’s stretchable, which accounts for 95% of its appeal. Unlike most putty products, it glows in the dark. You can even write on it with a special black light device! Does that make the putty in any way ionic? What do I look like, a rocket scientist? Glowing in the dark is cool, we can all agree on that much. Besides, much more important than the ionic question is the need to know if it’s really thinking putty. Hard to tell, since it’s also mute putty, but it’s nice to imagine that the putty is contemplating glowing without becoming overly concerned about anything too strenuously thoughtful.

There’s more! Putty is much more multi-faceted than you ever imagined.

Behold twilight thinking putty. Once again, stretchable, putty-like, possessing all the fine qualities of putty, who’s been our friend for ages. Twilight thinking putty, however, is heat-sensitive and changes color, making it much, much more believable that this putty is actually doing a little bit of mental cogitatin’. The manufacturer suggests “painting the putty with hot or cold” and performing a speed of light experiment upon it. Yeah, I wish they’d explained how, too. Maybe the thinking putty reveals this secret after purchase.

Thinking putty fun continues with black magnetic thinking putty. This putty is, like the other members of the putty family, malleable, and it has that unmistakable putty odor. But put a magnet near this guy and watch the sparks fly—the two can barely keep their hands off each other. You can tell just by being in the room with it that black magnetic thinking putty is doing a lot of thinking, but its thoughts run to the surly and cruel, so you might not want to engage it in polite conversation. Just buy it a magnet and leave the two of them alone.

Yeah, I know, this looks suspiciously like twilight thinking putty, doesn’t it? But it’s not – it’s scarab thinking putty. Apparently this putty is thinking about shimmering and varying its hue from cerulean to royal purple—typical scarab-thought. Scarabs are single-minded creatures, image-obsessed, practically incapable of independent thinking. So this is sort of the superficial member of the thinking putty family, the one most likely to run away before graduating from high school and end up with a burger flipping job. But yes, of course, like its other family members scarab thinking putty (my hands wanted to type scab thinking putty—wow, can you imagine the fun that would be?) can be pulled and stretched and torn into little pieces, then re-formed into a kind of shapeless mass. It’s putty-tastic, there’s no denying that.

Not one of the advertisements for these thinking putties mentions the capability of image transfer that our old friend Silly Putty had in spades. Maybe it’s implied that thinking putty can clearly do anything that Silly Putty could do, and then some. See, the problem is that Silly Putty let too many people down and couldn’t answer their most important questions, and just wanted to laugh all the time. Let us not forget the toys of yore, lest we be led down the silly path twice. Silly Putty, Silly String, Silly Sand…there was a time when toys could be silly and thoughtless. Those days are completely and utterly over! Welcome to the new world. Coming soon: outsmarting you putty. You’ll never even see it coming.