Partner, let me upgrade you

There are upgrades and then there are upgrades. The 3-day 2-person food & water upgrade allows you to boost a three-day survival kit, yielding a total of six days of survival. This is a much better concept than purchasing two of the original three-day kits; enhancement invariably trumps more of the same. And who wouldn’t want to survive those extra days? You know you’d be extremely pleased and grateful if, in a disaster situation, your companion whipped this out. So pretend you’re the thoughtful one for a change and order now. One of these days you’ll be elated that you upgraded.

The old one-two punch

With the squeeze punch - tag, you’re it, you can see exactly what you’re punching before doing any squeezing. Always good to do these things in the proper order. It’s easier than cutting, and is turning the punching world upside down!

For more on the tag, you’re it theme, please see comments and blame Nooter the dog

I don't really like talking about my flair

Infants are extra-large these days, like just about everyone else, and you can inflict some major damage to yourself trying to get one of them fed or bathed. Occasions like these call for some assistance, which is readily provided by the Boon Flair Pedestal High Chair. Equipped with a pneumatic lift, it will allow you to continue over-feeding that child even if he or she is already too heavy for your spindly arms. And don’t worry that there’s a 50 pound weight limit, because at that point your child can choose from a wide variety of other pneumatic lift chairs and devices, which are predicted to grow in popularity along with the population. The possibilities are limitless, but will probably include car seats, toilets, beds, and shoe horns. Pneumatics: because you’re never too young for childhood obesity.

Mist my bedtime

Consider yourself lucky if you’re a good little sleeper, because many of your fellow human beings find sleep to be increasingly elusive and mysterious, which, of course, makes it much more attractive and desirable. Taking various sleep-inducing drugs can backfire in oh, so many ways, and yet simply lying quietly in a dark room just doesn’t do it for you any more. Maybe it’s time for Elixir of Dreams Pillow Mist. Simply spray its soothing, mind-quieting blend of lavender and valerian on your pillow (in a light and natural mist), then lie back and see how that treats you.

If you don’t like the idea of spraying your pillow, consider purchasing a separate pillow simply for the purpose of being sprayed. The Celestial Dreams Sleep Eye Pillow loves nothing more than semi-saturation with pillow mist. Its silk casing cools your eyes—and you know how difficult it can be to fall asleep with hot eyes. Flaxseed filling provides a gentle weight—completely unlike those pushy, distended pillows you’re probably used to. And it also smells of lavender and valerian—of its own accord, not because you’ve been spraying it. A great, yet damp, aid in your quest for rest, ad copy assures, recommending use for catnaps, power-naps, or right before bedtime. During bedtime is also an idea you might consider. After a few weeks with the eye pillow you’ll probably be ready for an entire head pillow, but work your way up to it and take things at your own pace.

Making a list

Get out your long checklist of holiday preparations, because now that it’s December you’re already running slightly behind schedule, and there’s so much to do before the 25th. We’re about to enter that wonderful time of year when our focus becomes even more consumer-oriented than usual…we become slightly short of breath just thinking about it. In order to keep oneself relatively sane and solvent during this intense period, list-keeping is a must. And that’s just the first step. Just think of all the things you need to get done in the next few weeks and try not to cry.

We usually find that even a brief span of time spent on holiday planning and list-making coincidentally coincides with the annual emergence of our

edible candy cane shot glasses. A sip here, a sip there, and the list almost appears to fill itself out. Hours later, bottle emptied and chore completed, the glasses deliver a satisfying minty crunch, and we’re as ready as we can be to usher in another holiday season. If you can’t read the last few entries on the list the following day, just cross them out, because making a to-do list shorter lightens the load, which will give you more time to acquire that holiday spirit everyone's always talking about.