She dug her gift

Today’s my best friend’s birthday; we’ve been bosom buddies, if you will, since first grade, and we like to kid ourselves that nothing’s changed over the years. However, time’s been elapsing and we’ve been collapsing – our mirrors (and kids) tell us so, and yet we persist in our mutual delusion.

My birthday comes first, and I’m a few months older than she is, which she never fails to flaunt. On my birthday I found this














in the mailbox. No note, but I knew exactly who was responsible. She thought she was so clever. Toss these “parts” in some water and they grow 600%. “Look, there’s even a new liver, just like you need,” she shrieked. “And it’s your size!” (I thought it was a brain, and that it was her size. We’re still arguing over that.)

Anyway, I figured I’d show her who had old parts!

This morning when she got in her car, the long bra was waiting for her. No note, but she’ll know. And she’ll claim not to have tried it on the next time I see her, but she’ll be lying. It fit, too, didn’t it, birthday girl?

Worth every penny

You may have thought the days of being able to purchase anything for a penny were long over, but you were wrong, my friend. In 2004 you probably would have parted with about $13 for a bike accessory as cool as Spokey Dokes Sparky Spokes. (said it out loud, didn’t you?) The green plastic spark alone is worth at least a dime, not to mention the snazzy rhyming product name—and you haven’t even seen it in action! This baby is 16.1 pounds of fun, folks! That’s why we’re going to have to charge you $12.99 for shipping & handling. But the product itself costs only one cent, which we think is pretty tough to beat. Call within the next twenty minutes; you know we can’t do this all day.

This can be opened

I wuz ridin’ home
Just a-mindin’ my own
When a gol’ darn fool
Almost made me eat chrome.
But, bein’ a man
I just opened me a can
Of Whoop Ass Peanuts
‘Twas the end of his sedan.

(insert cowboy-like theme song and product logo here)

Coming soon: moustache panache

Flair Hair = truly irresistible. My weakness for faux tresses is apparently endless, and this particular brand really appealed to my inner Guy Fieri.

Yeah, him. He heartily approved of this purchase. But if you’re not blond and into the flame thing, like me & Guy, don't worry. Flair Hair is available in a variety of colors and visor styles, as well as children’s sizes. The hairdo, however, is non-negotiable. If you’re going to wear a visor, this is de rigeur. Perfect for those days when you’re just a little short on time and taste, Flair Hair! Allow it to take you to places you’ve never even envisioned.

Wonder of wonders

I’m practically beside myself with excitement, because today I learned about miracle fruit. It turns sour to sweet! “Lemons become lemonade!” trumpets the ad copy, then whispers, “Sound too good to be true? An internet search will confirm that this is for real.” Lo and behold, they’re telling the truth! Wikipedia even informs us that the fruit may work by distorting the shape of sweetness receptors on our tongues…for up to 60 minutes! This is going to be life-altering. I can’t believe no one ever told me about these beneficent berries.