Macular regeneration

Time for a little honesty: how long has it been since your last eye exam? Me, too; at least that long. Talk about something easily postponed. But be careful with this one, kids, because some of this bodily stuff can catch up with you. There’s actually a point past which glasses can help, and no one wants to end up there. A friend of mine waited too long, and instead of going without her sight fix, she decided to forge a new path, bless her trailblazing heart.

After some experimentation, she opted for the sturdy compromise offered by the Jakks EyeClops Bionic Eye, a handheld device which magnifies up to 200 times normal size. It plugs into any television jack; whatever’s in front of the eyeclops is displayed on-screen. This little device immediately rectified the situation; she can now see everything she needs to within 10 feet of her television, which is a great start. Coming soon, she hopes: portability.

He's not the only one

I actually own this item; I picked it up about a year ago, when better half was making sincere promises to quit...promises that remain sadly unfulfilled. Now you can’t even read what it says, much less see Jesus’ face, because ashes obliterate its entire surface. I really hoped the religious guilt angle would work, because bitching, cigarette hiding/destroying, pleading, bargaining, guilt-tripping, meaningful health-related discussions and outright threats hadn’t done any more good than the OTC methods and the nasty prescription. Truth is, a person has to make up his/her own mind about when it’s time to quit smoking, but don’t let that stop you from trying to persuade your loved ones in every way you possibly can that the time is now.

Always something there to remind me

Some things are cemented in your memory, solid as can be. You couldn’t shake them if you tried. Unfortunately, you probably don’t have a great deal of control over the process. Over the years your mind has latched onto whatever it’s enjoyed, been annoyed by, and found catchy or shiny, then carefully filed it away with intense avidity, hoarding otherwise needed brain space and filling it with all sorts of mental detritus. This explains why you may be able to hear a song on the radio that you haven’t encountered in years and enthusiastically know its every lyric. You unwittingly tote old phone numbers, addresses and recipes; insane amounts of arcane trivia; the names of thousands of people you’ll never see again; way too many plot lines; intense recollections of various illnesses and injuries and a pretty flush supply of statistics on various subjects. This isn’t even taking into account all the brain space you’ve killed, and what’s taken up with opinions, cravings, petty jealousies, thoughts about food and sex, and your run of the mill daily angst. It’s no wonder the practical stuff often eludes you, leaving you with that “Did I leave the oven on/take that pill/pick up my child?” thing. No one as smart as you are should be doing any sort of mental fumbling.

Enter the invisible clock. You might not have seen it, but it’s there, with its vibe & beep available in adjustable strengths so you can control the intensity of your reminder. With up to a dozen daily notifications, it’s almost like you ran a partial defrag program on your cloudy memory and are starting to get it together. After all, there are some things you just don’t ever want to forget, like where you put this clock after use. Finding one’s invisible items can often take up even more time than remembering the important stuff.

Take it easy

Are you one of those “I want it and I want it now” types? Having a little trouble controlling your emotions whilst commuting? Unable to refrain from exchanging insults with those who seem to be wasting any of your precious time? Is there maybe one extra-special person in your life, someone who has so utterly depleted his or her supply of tolerance that you cringe at the thought of what you might do during your next dreaded encounter? Do you find yourself clock watching and waiting anxiously for workdays to end? Well, buck up, because with a little patience essence you’ll soon be much more capable of self-control and laid-back coolness, things you’ve probably never experienced.

The folks who manufacture patience essence may have done themselves a disservice by divulging their ingredient list, thereby enabling those of us in the cash-poor club to manufacture our own patience. All you need are a few simple items such as aloe vera, lima beans, redwood, clay, bog, chalcedony, smoky quartz and neon. Okay, there are a couple of ingredients that might be more difficult to obtain, such as nashira and ruchbah, but don’t let that slow your patience pilgrimage.

And when I'm itchy, I scratch

Why use what looks like a little plastic hand or a wooden forklike object to scratch your back when you can enjoy the company of a cactus buddy? His googly eyes and snazzy color-coordinated gear make him capable of becoming a true companion (the best kind…soothing, stylish and silent). Plus he makes you feel truly mind-blowingly fantastic; his bristles have a texture your back is unknowingly crying out for, and when you experience that first wonderful moment of contact with him you’ll want him to be one of your best buddies forever. (cut to close-up of adorable child lisping, “I love you, cactus buddy.”)

Up to here

I’ve ushered a new era into my life, and it feels good. After decades of putting up, it was time to do something about all the blowhards, phonies, hypocrites, liars and the horses they rode in on. Got myself a universal bullshit detector watch and I’ve been using it with abandon. There’s a special button on the side; push it and the watch goes about its detecting…and (no surprise here) nine out of ten individuals encountered will tend to be spouting at least a mild yet steady stream of bullshit. And they don’t like being called out by a watch, let me tell you! The indignant looks and responses aren’t for the faint-hearted. I’ve almost had my face slapped by one particularly bullshit-laden individual.

When they get all snotty and haughty, I offer them one of my You Smell Like Bullsht mints before walking away. The truth might hurt, but at least I’ve candy coated it.