Who me, rushed?

Can’t believe it’s just four days until Christmas? Me, too, and it happens every time, even when I think I've been paying attention.



















And this year, due in large part to my do it later day planner, I really haven't been paying attention. This planner allowed me to spend most of 2009 on the meticulous upkeep of my ability to ignore and postpone even the major issues. Actually, now that the year’s practically over, I’m glad I did most of it later or not at all, because it didn’t feel worthwhile at the time and I’m still having difficulty taking any of it seriously.

The last minute Christmas shopping’s no exception; seems like the closer it gets to that Friday morning deadline, the easier I become to please, and the stronger my desire to just buy something, already, and get back home. Not having really any excess cash this year only helped speed things along, and I’m proud to say that other than a few last minute stocking stuffers, I think I’m finished with the shopping.


















I was particularly pleased with this year’s selection for my mother-in-law. We all have at least one nearly impossible to buy for person on our holiday gift list, don’t we? That certain someone for whom purchasing a present is mandatory, but about whose personal tastes and preferences our knowledge is relatively nonexistent, and hopefully can remain a pristine and intact unopened door in the house of life. Last year she bought me a sweater covered with jungle animals, each one sporting a crystal necklace, and it’s in a similar spirit of giving and warmth that I’ll be offering her the holiday tart burner with snowman slide. Will she like it? Do I care?
















By the way, the little tarts are sold separately, and taste delicious once they’ve been properly burnt. Shown here: cranky cranberry flavor, which I thought seemed ideal for my special someone. Feels great to be just about done prepping for this holiday!

You're the top

Our family has never been the type to do anything conventionally or to play by rules. Don’t get me wrong—we’re not completely outside the realm of what’s considered normal—it’s just that we’re never quite solidly in normal’s court either. I cannot remember a single holiday where our tree had anything as traditional as a star, or even anything lit-up, as its focal point.

And last year’s post-holiday clean up was also pretty typical: I’ve got this habit of putting various personal belongings in plastic bags and dropping them off at Goodwill as a lazy woman’s method of housecleaning/hoard-resistance. Then I waste many subsequent hours wondering where these things are.


















Result: an additional holiday decorating issue arose the other day: we need a new Christmas tree topper. (Not really, I thought, but better half trods a more well-worn path and was insistent). So, we went to the closest Kmart and had at it, giving up at least ten minutes of hard-earned free time. I voted for this cthulu holiday decorations topper. It incorporates both red and green and works on any sized tree. My vote was overridden, though, and I was not surprised.


















Better half lobbied vigorously for this topper with Spock. Yeah, I had to agree, the Vulcan salute with its “live long and prosper” aftermath, is a perfectly sound sentiment for this time of year, but I just couldn’t feel the love. I was ready for a tiebreaker and/or an immediate trip back home.

A few sulky moments ensued, but then we both found this lighted rock ice triple candle topper right in the check-out aisle, and—really, need I say anything else? It was just over the top enough. One of my coolest friends saw it and gasped, “Good gaudy, Miss Maudie!” and I knew I’d hold on to this baby for at least a few more years.

Maketh Merry

Our time-honored methods of dividing the chores left holiday decorations firmly in my court yet again this year, which meant the theme (eat, drink and be merry, minus the “eat” part) remains largely unchanged. Let’s face it: anything that gets you through a few days of enforced family fun-n-intensity is worth a certain amount of hoopla and hullabaloo. I hung the serene yoga diva Christmas ornament in a prominent place, near Joyous Julie, who’s sure to provide refills on demand. Umbrella drinks and yoga: such an excellent pairing, I didn’t mind the lack of any actual tie-in to Christmas, or any other December holiday.













The wine elf trio turned out to be excellent company for Wine Santa, although I never knew the elves were actually Claus family members. Living at the North Pole and spending all one’s spare time in the manufacture of toys clearly results in a certain amount of in-breeding, a great deal of facial hair and a smattering of alcoholism. It’s par for the course.

















Finding this set of wine-themed Christmas ornaments on the same shopping trip (different store) seemed almost magical. And then, finding a great wine sale on the way home from the mall made the entire venture seem cosmically-driven, meant-to-be and practically worthwhile.

The windy lights of autumn flare

Happy Thanksgiving! I’m never sure how the food aspects of the day are going to turn out, but I feel pretty cocky about my lighting choices, so there’s a load off my mind. One shouldn’t make the mistake of underestimating the importance of a well-lit holiday. Many people look back at photographs from years gone by in bewilderment, uncertain as to why their celebratory experiences didn’t quite live up to expectations. Lighting may have been one of the myriad reasons why. (Well, that and the guest list.)

And, hey, even if lighting wasn’t the culprit, no harm done by attempting to brighten your day, right? This year, in a rare burst of almost-experienced good cheer, I went out and got some holiday lights. They’re not just for Christmas any more, you know. Oh, no, they’ve come a long way, baby, as if anything hasn’t.

















I started with myself for a change. Usually I am not the kind of person who lights herself in any way. However, if you look at my spankin’ new turkey t-shirt (below) you’ll notice the forest seems to be backlit. I figure if I pin the turkey body light somewhere in the region of my right collar bone, it may appear to be the shirt’s light source. I know, I know. Pretty elaborate stuff, but really, it didn’t take as long to come up with the concept as you might think. Truth is, as soon as I read in the ad copy that I could expect extra goodies with my order, I was incapable of resistance. I am so weak that way! And I won’t ruin the surprise – I’ll just say that my extra goodies certainly lived up to the $1.99 price tag.

In the front window I just hung










a Thanksgiving window decoration that supposedly looks like a turkey. Maybe not from across the street, but once you get up close you can tell that it’s a turkey, or some kind of bird, right? Eh, it can look like abstract art for all I care; it’s too late now because getting this guy into the proper position took almost half the morning and now I’m vaguely cranky and have to get back to cooking duties. In other words, I’m leaving him there for at least a week (he’ll still be out there in February, mark my words.)

But the obvious focal point is going to be


















the beautiful turkey lamp. This guy looks great—warm and welcoming, he greets your friends and family with “classic gobble grace,” whatever that means. Maybe he’ll remind them to consume their meal in a similar fashion.

Here’s to you and yours! May you all be enjoying a bright and wonderful holiday together, having a fabulous time, and making new memories that will remain eternally tinged with classic gobble grace.

Sentimental Journey

The retro refrigerator rushes you back in time, recalling an era when refrigerators were nothing more than glorified cabinets and food cooling methods basically nonexistent. That’s right, we’ve included absolutely no electricity or any type of cooling device whatsoever, which allowed us to lower our price significantly, meeting the needs of today’s consumers. There’s not even a bowl of ice in there—food may well increase in temperature when placed inside the refrigerator for all we know. There’s lots of shelf space, though. And the product itself is laden with quality, right down to the magnets holding the doors closed, and the little Frigidaire-esque metal insignia on the front. Also, because it’s wood, it’s paintable, so even if your kitchen isn’t pink we’ve got you covered. Orders have been pouring in. Oh, yes, they have.

No, they're action figures

We all grew up, and/or continue to grow up, with some inescapable Disney exposure. Available in every conceivable format, Disney products have become one of the most ubiquitous of American icons, exuding an aura of innocence, goodness, and that wonderful blend of enchantment, happiness and oversized eyes that we all enjoy just a little too much for our own good. What’s almost universally overlooked is the fact that Disney, particularly the Disney of days gone by—dirty old keepin’ it real Disney—knew that fun comes in many packages and flavors, not all of them wholesome. Here’s one of my favorite Disney collectibles. It’s Pinocchio having fun with his pal Lampwick. They’ve been smoking stogies, pounding a few brewskis and are currently enjoying a rather messy game of pool. Sure, Lampwick eventually got turned into a jackass for behavior such as this, but the story’s not named for him, is it?

The autumn ottomans

As we settle comfortably into the season and many of us retreat to the indoors for an unforeseen number of upcoming months, it’s the perfect moment to consider the style and décor of your abode and to make a flailing attempt at beautification and comfortability. Never overlook the wonderful twining of style and ease proffered by our friends the ottomans, who always manage to look particularly fetching this time of year.


















The South Sea rattan autumn ottoman, for example, is perfect for those who live in warmer climates. Just a touch of fall; it’s all you’ll need.

Whereas the pricey, yet elegant, Old Hickory Tannery autumn ottoman

















is a bastion of stolidity, a stout and hardy companion for those cold winter nights when you’ll be wishing you hadn’t blown quite so much on a footstool. Okay, sure, you’ll regret it, but, then, what don’t you regret? This baby is plush.

And, as always, there’s the ocean of compromise occupied by the Arleigh ottoman.



















All the autumnal and fallacious qualities you’d ever require, at only a fraction of the cost.

He's not the only one

I actually own this item; I picked it up about a year ago, when better half was making sincere promises to quit...promises that remain sadly unfulfilled. Now you can’t even read what it says, much less see Jesus’ face, because ashes obliterate its entire surface. I really hoped the religious guilt angle would work, because bitching, cigarette hiding/destroying, pleading, bargaining, guilt-tripping, meaningful health-related discussions and outright threats hadn’t done any more good than the OTC methods and the nasty prescription. Truth is, a person has to make up his/her own mind about when it’s time to quit smoking, but don’t let that stop you from trying to persuade your loved ones in every way you possibly can that the time is now.

For the rest of us

That’s right, it’s officially Festivus, and a friend sent this lovely card to commemorate today’s celebratory events. We got out the Festivus pole and displayed our feats of strength, after which we were sweaty and agitated, but self-impressed, as usual.

Then we sat down to a Festivus feast (no, it wasn’t roast beast; more like tripe). The annual airing of grievances took much longer than expected. Without subtlety or composure, the penguin parade centerpiece added its inimitable, inevitable presence to the long, drawn-out occasion. No one’s ever too sorry to see this meal end. That’s when we put the centerpiece back into storage until the next year, at which point we greet it with the same blank stare of disbelief. And yet it has somehow weasled its way into our Festivus festivities; you know how family traditions are. Aunt Wanda really likes this thing, but we can never persuade her to let it live at her house.

We all shine on

Please don’t think we’ve forgotten about those of you who celebrate other holidays during this special time of year, especially not those of you who are smart enough to celebrate for an entire week! Hanukkah started yesterday, and that means it’s time to get out the dancing and singing menorah. He’ll dance and sing a Hanukkah song as each candle lights up. He’s got a winning smile and some killer moves for a guy with no legs.
















Here’s Kwanzaa man with his kinara, ready to join in the fun and the pouring of libations on the 26th. He’s rather serious, but tells excellent stories. Kids and animals find him nearly irresistible.




















And for those who simply observe the passing of the seasons and the beauty of nature, there’s winter solstice fresh cut evergreen fragrance (with actual evergreen parts included). It does not matter what you’re celebrating, as long as you’re spending money you can’t afford to part with and being a good consumer like everyone else, so please, join in the spending frenzy and do so with gusto and élan.

Not to be confused with Christmas crap

Someone sent me a Christmas carp. Patron saint of the piscine posse, reeking of ancient symbolism and lore, he’s the very embodiment of the reason for the season on a subterranean psychological level. And he kind of grows on you; all those happy-faced holiday decorations can wear thin, but his penetrating, unwavering stare radiates solidity and stolidity. Merry fishmas!

It must have been the mistletoe

“Mmm…check out those ornaments!” If you don’t recognize the voice, you’re probably standing under the nasty mistletoe. As crude as your least-favorite co-worker, it spouts eight phrases, including, “Whoo…I’d need a lot of eggnog to go home with you,” and “C’mon, it’s Christmas…is that all you’ve got to give?” Inappropriately present at office parties, nursing homes and hospitals throughout the country, nasty mistletoe adds awkward moments and insulted by a plant to the list of things you’re getting this Christmas.

Throw another log on the fire

Come, warm yourself in the toasty glow cast by this cardboard replica of a fireplace. Then grab a push pin or two, and your stockings are hung by the chimney without care. Our favorite seasonal shortcut to authenticity, the nostalgic fireplace decoration is one you’ll treasure for years to come, which just increases the nostalgia. You’ll find yourself spending happy holiday evenings beside what’s basically a tricked out box, and actually enjoying it. Who could blame you, though? The corrugating adds depth and detail to the bricks, and you know you look your best by firelight. But be careful about how you store it after the holidays; I can’t tell you how many times we’ve almost thrown ours out before turning it face-up.

A holly, jolly Christmas

Part of what makes the holidaze so meaningful is the annual tradition of getting out the decorations and ornaments. They become almost like old friends over the years, each one harkening back to its time of purchase, providing a precious link with the past and reminding us of the cycles of life in all its vastness and intricacy.

Or maybe you’re simply un-boxing some cheap stuff that was on sale at the Dollar Store last winter or that you won in a gift exchange at the office; either way, holiday decorating is a not-unpleasant activity providing one is in the right frame of mind. Getting there is half the battle.

We’ve just finished our decorating. My better half handles the Christmas tree and the outdoor lighting, and I get to arrange the holiday tchotchkes. I’m always happy to see wine Santa:





















He puts me right in the holiday spirit. You’re truly never too old for wine Santa. This guy can stuff my stockings any time.




















To keep him company, I have the Christmas Queen, Joyous Julie. Santa simply adores her. Julie came fully equipped with several of her own bottles and two glasses, as well as some other feminine accessories and a spare crown, which Santa likes to wear. The two of them hang out during the wee hours of Christmas Eve, clanging crowns, clinking glasses and trading sob stories. Julie thinks it’s rough being the Queen of Christmas when no one’s ever even heard of her, while Santa tells her she doesn’t know how good she has it.

Tidings of comfort and almond joy

The edible Christmas ornament holiday favor napkin ring has astounded us with its multi-tasking skills. This clever bloom is capable of being fully functional throughout a Christmas party, unlike most of your guests. First it’s hanging on the tree, coordinating beautifully with the other ornaments. Then it’s on the table, keeping the elaborately folded napkins in place with an elegant floral accent. And when everyone’s done with the meal they can break open its petals to find five succulent yet unexpected jordan almonds waiting to be savored. (The flowers are assembled upon order, so you’ll never end up with stale candy swept from movie house floors or left over from badly catered events.) At evening’s end be sure to remind your guests to take their depleted decorations home with them as favors. It’s fabulous to see a product giving of itself so fully during this special time of year.

Cosmic unconsciousness

No point in looking for an explanation.




















Suppose you’re thinking about a plate of shrimp. Or better yet, a poster of a plate of shrimp.




















Suddenly, somebody says plate or shrimp or plate of shrimp, or gives you a plate with a picture of a shrimp on it. You know the way everybody’s into weirdness right now.

Giving thanks

We’re having Thanksgiving dinner at Mom’s, a family tradition upon which she insists. It’s her favorite holiday and she pulls out all the stops.




















The kitchen table invariably features the corn pilgrim figure set, with their happy faces and foody offerings. My cousin Norman always pretends to pick them up and eat them, and we laugh even though no one thinks it’s funny. We’re polite to each other most of the time, and we’re thankful for that.

This year, because Aunt Mabel’s daughter, Connie, got pregnant, the corn pilgrims will be sharing the table with





















the fall Thanksgiving diaper turkey…it’s a fake cake made of diapers because she’s due in a couple weeks and her friends didn’t give her a baby shower. We’re a “kill two birds with one stone” kind of family, and everyone’s grateful and filled with thanks as a result.

When we sit down to dinner, Uncle Chas always has to make a crack about Mom’s





















turkey chair covers. He’s jealous because he didn’t marry the crafty sister, Mom says. And when Chas leaves the room she tells a story about the time he lost his job for being a drunk. We’re the sort of family that talks behind each other’s backs when we think no one’s listening, which fills us all with a warm thankful sensation.


















We eat our meal from Mom’s We are blessed beyond measure plates. Personally, I’ve never been a fan, but because these belonged to Grandma, all Mom’s siblings get cranky and argue that they should each have gotten one. Happens every year. We’re one of those “don’t hold anything back” families; we’re very thankful about that.




















Mom even has a Thanksgiving themed toilet seat cover. What can I say? I told you it’s her favorite holiday. But she only has one bathroom, so we take turns yelling “hurry up!” Actually, this is the best feature of Thanksgiving at Mom’s, because usually after the meal ends and the bathroom line-up begins, people start realizing it’s time to go home, and we’re all very, very thankful at that point.

A touch of elegance

Ta-da! It’s…a pair of carefully staged elegant drinking glass(es). The stark contrast between the inelegant wooden crate, the dated photograph and the harsh lighting only heightens the classy culture of the glass(es), whose many facets twinkle with chic and stylish grace. All beverages are improved by contact with the glass(es); ice cubes and carbonated beverages optimize the fizzy refinement. Because it’s a holiday week and we truly care about each and every one of you, the wooden crate is actually included, at least for a limited time. If you think these glasses looked good on November 1st at 16:04, wait until you see them at your place in the upcoming months.

Tell me now how should I feel?

Got a typical case of the Monday blahs/blues? Ass-dragging through the day that’s supposed to be the most productive of the week (according to the work/productivity ratio used by most, AKA the “trickle down to Friday/everybody’s working for the weekend” method)? The cause might not be easily pinpointed. We thought we just hated our job and co-workers, but then someone noticed that the company had installed















a melancholy chandelier right in the main foyer. Everyone walking beneath it got a severe case of the blues. Productivity and morale were at an all-time low. Something had to be done, and quickly.

The few who have to sit in its immediate proximity got the















contentment computer hutch, keys to the back entrance and their own parking spaces.




















And instead of candy, our receptionist now has a little basket of uplift pills on her desk. Despite their lack of meat, they seem to counteract at least some of the chandelier’s effect. Maybe within a few weeks we’ll have no more blue Mondays.

Turn on your heart lights

The plasma heart provides hours of palpitatingly well-lit enjoyment. Battery operated (batteries not included, of course) and/or capable of being used with an ac adaptor (don’t even think about it), the heart lights up wherever you touch it. If you’re not touching it, though, it’s just a tacky little plastic (oh, right, plasmic) heart on a pedestal.

And if you’re a guy who’s afraid of the dark, but way too masculine for the plasma heart, how about Sparkdino? Wind him up, and not only does he walk, but his mouth ejects sparks. Ad copy: Sparkdino!! We adore him!! He'll light up the very cockles of your heart.