Back business

Threw my back out the other day, fighting with this terribly annoying woman at the store who swore she’d seen my newest holiday t-shirt moments before I did. She didn’t know who she was up against; needless to say, the shirt’s now living in my closet, excitedly awaiting its debut on Thursday. Problem is, I always seem to pay a stiff price for showing the world not to cross me, and this time was no exception.


















After a couple of days I was resorting to extreme grooming techniques. I try to keep myself pulled together even during the difficult times. The back pain was becoming exquisitely unbearable, preventing me from thinking about anything else, and that was before I cut off part of my big toe.












Luckily the Sacro Wedgy came to my rescue. Kind of like a comforting (male or female) hand down the back of one’s pants, Sacro Wedgy’s there to provide just enough of a strange annoying sensation to distract you from your back pain. Then you’ll relax a little, and the pain level really will decrease. It also kind of makes you walk funny – and, of course, people will notice when the product is in use, so we’ve color coded them for both men and women, which made sense at one point in the design process. I’m already seeing and feeling the difference, and the wedgy is worth the wedgie.

















The new Thanksgiving shirt was clearly worth the pain and almost any amount of monetary sacrifice, and I’m sure that woman from the store is hurting even more than I am. My facial expression may not be believable, but I’m experiencing about all the thankfulness I can muster at the moment.

Could it be a faded rose from days gone by?

It’s a well-documented but often overlooked fact that people associate shoes with daybreak, even if they’re doing so on a subconscious lizard-brain level. After all, once a day starts, shoes come into the picture for most of us. Your brain is hardwired to perform associative thoughts such as this without your having to be bothered to think about the reasons why. In fact, you can’t even stop yourself. Some of these associations are quite personal; others are common to all members of the species. When shown a feather, nine people out of ten find themselves ruminating about late afternoon and/or sugar cookies, and nothing quite evokes midnight like talcum powder sitting quietly in a medicine chest—I think we can all agree there.

Which is why it’s no surprise that someone wearing his thinking cap has come up with these fabulous dawn simulators with bulbs, cleverly disguised as a pair of pink patent leather flats. It’s a fully dimmable full light spectrum box, folks—the only one on the market! You may have to use your imagination at first, or try squinting a little and stepping back from your monitor, but after a while, you’ll see the simulation of dawn, as well as the bulbs (photos are available from other angles, although none captures that bulbous essence as well as this). Bravo, SunRizr! This is one of the best examples of thinking outside the envelope we’ve seen in quite some time.

May the force be with you

You might be stuck behind that desk, or in whatever traplike situation your job consists of, but don’t let that stop you from whisking your lower extremities away for a brief trip with the HKO Knee Abductor. It counteracts the scissoring forces of the legs! When I think of all the times I’ve had to self-counteract that scissoring force. How many, you ask? That’s way too much math for this early in the day, but let’s guesstimate at least a thousand, because that’s a nice, round number, which means I’m probably about at the end of my “able to resist the scissoring force” time of life. This product also bears our personal hallmark of approval for multi-tasking, because once your scissoring force is no longer counteracted by the air bladder, you get to graduate to the mechanical post (not pictured, but vividly imagined). Whatever you do, though, do not attempt to abduct your elbows; this voids the manufacturer’s warranty and you’ll have only yourself to blame.

Always something there to remind me

Some things are cemented in your memory, solid as can be. You couldn’t shake them if you tried. Unfortunately, you probably don’t have a great deal of control over the process. Over the years your mind has latched onto whatever it’s enjoyed, been annoyed by, and found catchy or shiny, then carefully filed it away with intense avidity, hoarding otherwise needed brain space and filling it with all sorts of mental detritus. This explains why you may be able to hear a song on the radio that you haven’t encountered in years and enthusiastically know its every lyric. You unwittingly tote old phone numbers, addresses and recipes; insane amounts of arcane trivia; the names of thousands of people you’ll never see again; way too many plot lines; intense recollections of various illnesses and injuries and a pretty flush supply of statistics on various subjects. This isn’t even taking into account all the brain space you’ve killed, and what’s taken up with opinions, cravings, petty jealousies, thoughts about food and sex, and your run of the mill daily angst. It’s no wonder the practical stuff often eludes you, leaving you with that “Did I leave the oven on/take that pill/pick up my child?” thing. No one as smart as you are should be doing any sort of mental fumbling.

Enter the invisible clock. You might not have seen it, but it’s there, with its vibe & beep available in adjustable strengths so you can control the intensity of your reminder. With up to a dozen daily notifications, it’s almost like you ran a partial defrag program on your cloudy memory and are starting to get it together. After all, there are some things you just don’t ever want to forget, like where you put this clock after use. Finding one’s invisible items can often take up even more time than remembering the important stuff.

Even if nobody else sings along

Check out Mr. Happy Hand: he got a Groove Glove for Christmas and hasn’t stopped playing with it yet. It’s hard to blame him. This product delivers months of fun, at minimum. It’s a little DJ deck complete with four sound controls (one per finger), allowing you to add your own scratches, riffs, and samples to all your favorite songs. Just imagine the delight of everyone around you, as you serenade the world with music done your way.

With your other hand, reach into your pocket and pull out your Stylophone. It’s a mini electronic organ (guys, we know: you’ve already got an organ in there) from the late ‘60s, revamped for today’s needs. You’re a veritable one-man band, and we haven’t even involved your legs yet. Stylophones are capable of adding that sweet midi-like slice of wonderful-ness to any tune. Everyone enjoys its dulcet tones, which take many of us back to simpler times involving church, malls and game shows. Forget mp3 players and make your own kind of music.

Quitter

Now you can quit smoking in 21st century style with the QuitKey Smoking Cessation Computer, which also acts as a classic timepiece/keychain for no additional charge. The device tells you when to smoke and when not to smoke, and keeps track of how many times you’ve lit up during the day. You know what to do when the no smoking sign goes off!

Like many modern devices, the QuitKey computer is programmed with kindness; there’s no need for you to suffer. Simply press the red “emergency cigarette” button any time you’d like to override the no smoking sign. Then hit the purple button, which emits a loud bleating sound, alerting the world that you’ve enjoyed a computer-approved cigarette. The Roman numerals display your current level of lung disease; when and if you ever see the dreaded V, you might as well push both buttons with nicotine-filled abandon, because quitting won’t make any difference.

Be a stacker, not a slacker

Sick of all those tiny hairs you keep finding everywhere (and we mean the ones not attached to your body)? We’re talking about loose hairs, the ones that float through the air, settle on the bathroom floor, cling to contrasting colored clothing, fall into food during cooking, and generally disgust and annoy. Do you have a pet? We’re also talking about its hair, which is probably embedded in every soft surface of your home, and using static electricity as a means of clinging to even the slippery spots. This can all be just a dim memory via purchase of the Dr. Slick Small Hair Stacker. Within days you’ll have mastered the art of hair stacking. Product comes with a cork lined bottom to dampen the sound of the process, which involves tamping the hair down and sometimes bending it. When you’re done playing with your hair, you can tie it into fishing flies and sell them to old men at flea markets. Stop sweeping and start stacking your way to a lucrative hobby and a cleaner way of life.

Inspector detector

The patented instrument metal detector detects instruments as well as metal (simultaneously!), and is applicable in almost any setting, so let your imagination run wild. Before discarding, packaging, mailing, or utilizing your instrument, allow it to fall through the instrument detector, and you’ll be instantly alerted that something metal has passed through the opening. Takes all the guesswork out of this bothersome process—at last. Don’t throw away perfectly useful instruments, or allow yourself any metallic uncertainties. A digital counter records each and every detection occurrence, so you won’t even have to do the math. Hamper stand and optional legs not included. Operates in AC or DC mode…we know, what a boon!

No more night fright

“Honey, wake up. I think I hear a burglar!”

“Waughhh…whu…whunh?”

“I think someone’s breaking into the house! Wake up.”

“Mmmmmfffff. You’re always hearing something. There’s no one in the house.”

“I’ll go see for myself. Where’s the flashlight?”

“I don’t know; I’m the man. You’re the one who knows where everything’s supposed to be.”

“Right.” (gets flashlight)

(click)

Calming sound of running streams heading for the ocean…

(click)

Relaxing ocean wave noises…

(click)

Tranquil rain in a very placid tropical forest—as opposed to agitated rain in a busy city…

“What’s with this flashlight? It’s…susurrant…”

“It’s what? Hey, these sounds are making me have to go to the bathroom. Are you going to check on that burglar or do you want me to do it?”

“Zzzzzz.”

We'd all want to change the world

But instead we’re usually stuck at our dead-end jobs, changing very little in the grand scheme of things. So why not get a desk toy and change at least a small corner of your static world? The Revolution purports to be a “near-perpetual motion device.” What this translates to depends upon how hard of a spin you give it, as well as how often you re-spin. (It’s pretty habit forming.)

The product also claims to demonstrate “many phenomena of physics.” We’re not really sure what those phenomena might be, or even if they’re good demonstrations. We do, however, know that the sound of the needle-like end scraping on that little piece of glass as the Revolution rotates can be so annoying that co-workers tend to keep their distance, and that’s change enough for me.

Palm pilot

Now here’s a product with the inner strength to live up to its name, which is Guardian Angel. Its spiky gold-plated exterior hides some ion alloy, mineral stone powder, and a spring-loaded tip—a magical combination. Pick it up and it’s already at work, stimulating 344 pressure points (or fewer, depending upon how stressed your hand is). Simply being in its presence eliminates pain, stress, fatigue, insomnia, halitosis and acne, while simultaneously promoting organ regeneration. Just stop and think about that for a second or two, because there are not a lot of products on the market that can even resuscitate organs, much less regenerate them. Squeeze the guardian angel and carry it around with you for a while. You’re preventing colds, arthritis, strokes and heart disease. Gives a whole new meaning to the term “hand job,” doesn’t it?

What did you do today?

Aww, look at those eyes. He’s trying to look so innocent, but now you’ll know whether it’s just an act. The Pet’s Eye View camera attaches to your pet’s collar and can be set to take photos every one, five or fifteen minutes during the day so that you can see for yourself what he or she is up to while you’re away. If you’re like me, and your pet happens to be a lazy housebound pooch in the over-eight age bracket, don’t be surprised to find lots of pictures of the same view from your bed or that forbidden couch or chair, many of which seem to be covered with a thick layer of drool. If you’ve got one of those outdoor dogs who’s continually digging his way under the fence or climbing trees to escape, this might finally show you where you went wrong in thinking your efforts at confinement were finished. So many dog mysteries, but now you’ll be in on the game!

Really, what you end up seeing depends wholly upon your pet’s personality and activity level. A friend of mine got one, and learned that her dog spends most of each morning trying on her clothes and ordering take-out food. Some dogs, it turns out, watch way too much TV; some have secret relationships with neighbors and/or their own siblings, some are emptying the kitchen trash can on the floor and rolling around in it. Just be glad there’s no audio on this thing. You might want to see what your dog does all day, but you don’t want to hear.

Four, in other words, five

Because we really cannot over-emphasize the need for everyone and everything to be performing on a multi-functional multi-tasking level at all times, we’re delighted to feature this product. It’s a flexible-armed lamp that’s also an air purifier, a calendar, an alarm clock, and a radio. Are we forgetting anything? It also might be capable of reheating leftovers, working as a pedometer, maintaining shopping lists and some light housekeeping. The musical air purifying calendrical light producing alarm clock—a little something for everyone on your shopping list. Call now, within the next twenty minutes (because we can’t do this all day), and we’ll include an extra surprise bonus function.

Give yourself the finger

Another of those “man, I wish I’d thought of this” gifts, the Up Yours finger-shaped nose hair trimmer. Or, similarly

The Finger nose hair trimmer. What can we say? Sometimes more than one person has the same great idea at the same time. I kind of prefer this one because its finger is more realistic and does not appear to be wearing nail polish, but maybe some men prefer the idea of a female finger up their nose. And in their ears. And…well, let’s just say you’ve probably got some unwanted hair going on in other places as well, places where you’d also prefer a light female touch.





















They’ve cheated a bit with the in-use photos, don’t you think? Because you know you’re going to need to jam that finger much farther into both orifices, not only to get the job done properly, but just to see how you look with a fake finger up your nose.

And don’t it make your brown eyes blue? I thought this was the same guy in both photos, but I guess I was fooled. It’s just the happy, well-groomed face of this product’s typical user.

A final helpful hint: this thing really can do double duty if you use it in the car.

It's for you

Ever feel like time’s going by much too quickly? One minute you were feeling rather modern with your Selectric typewriter and a copy machine that didn’t require cranking or the use of purple ink; the next, everyone had computers and cell phones and Segways, and now they have so many new gadgets and gew-gaws that life’s just not the same any more. What’s this I hear about some kind of digital television transition and how it’s going to ruin my old Zenith? Doesn’t anyone see how close to technology’s slippery slope we’re getting? Could just one small feature of modern life remain un-modern, please? Some of us can’t do the transition thing this quickly.

Well, the folks who make this product have heard my pleas, appreciated the ‘please,’ and set out to appease. Now you can re-create youthful hours spent happily chatting on your real, solid (now vintage) telephone, trapped in the kitchen, slowly trying to uncoil the cord and/or winding yourself up in it, with the Please Hold Vintage Cell Phone Handset. You know you always feel like your big manly hands are overwhelming your tiny delicate cell phone, even if you’re a woman. Also, the mouth-to-ear distance is all wrong on a cell phone unless you’re a bit of a pinhead. Relish a return to human scale and an experience that feels more personal, if only because plastic is a better conductor of the smell of stale saliva than whatever it is cell phones are made of. If you jiggle the cord, you can even get that old static sound. Call me!

The detection continues

You know how sometimes you get that feeling someone’s watching you? You check the room several times, appear to be alone, try to settle back down, but can’t shake that uncomfortable sensation. Okay, now get real, because most of the time that’s just you being paranoid and thinking the world cares a lot more than it really does. In all probability, the vast majority of you don’t fascinate anyone even slightly, and the rest of you are semi-compelling for maybe a few weeks, then your thrilling level subsides. Only you care as much as you think everyone else does. So try to stop thinking anyone would take the time and effort to install a hidden camera in your house. Reality TV is bad enough, thanks. No one wants to watch.

On the other hand, some of you know a few of the wrong kind of people, or work for overly suspicious and/or perverted employers, or are not trusted by your partners. Life's full of wrong place, wrong time scenarios, many of them riddled with hidden cameras. We’ve all had that unpleasant sensation while trying on clothes, or in one of those dirty gas station bathrooms by the highway, right? Your inner sensors go off and you can’t help but start looking for where the hidden camera might be. Or maybe you’re relaxing at home, about to seduce the nanny, when the hairs on the back of your neck stand on end. And how many times have you almost had that coveted department store item in your pocket and then thought better of it because you couldn’t shake that sensation of being watched? Plenty, if you’re like most of your peers.

Sadly, hidden cameras are an unpleasant yet omnipresent aspect of modern life, and they’re sold in such an increasingly clever variety of shapes and sizes, it’s becoming a real nuisance trying to keep up. Almost as much of a nuisance as it is to stay within the letter of the law.

Now, finally, you don’t have to do either. Here’s another detecting device – a wonderfully sleek, silvery and modern hidden camera detector. You’ll be absolutely certain that no one’s watching you unless it’s by pre-arranged agreement between consenting adults. It’s also fun to use. Make an appearance, reach for your trusty P3 hidden camera detector and sweep the room. If the blinking lights indicate a camera’s within range, you can get that look of intense concern on your face and leave. The hidden cameras will be inconsolably forlorn without you, but you knew that.

Detecting devices

Hey, a portable lie detector! You’ve always had vague suspicions about how many people are lying to you on a daily basis, but with the De-fib-ulator you’ll soon learn (with 65% accuracy) that virtually everyone you encounter is lying to you. Better yet, the device hooks up to a cell phone, enabling one to detect even remote lies. All your suspicions will prove true, and most users report heightened misanthropy and chronic inability to trust others within days of receipt.

Next time your spouse calls to say, “I’m working late,” or your daughter says she’s going to the movies with her best friend, you’ll know better. You won’t know the truth, but you’ll know you’re being lied to. The machine uses a clever Demonochio figure whose nose grows in proportion to lie size, so you can even distinguish between white lies and outright whoppers.




















Another useful modern detecting device, the Multi-Tector identifies personality types, allowing you to learn which of your friends are dorks, which ones suck, who are the geniuses, idiots, liars, and crazies. Don’t be surprised if a few of your friends turn out to have multiple personalities. Never aim this device at yourself. And keep it away from the portable lie detector, who insists that the Multi-tector has a chronic inability to tell the truth.




















There’s even a God detector on the market. The Yo-God detector allows one to ask God for a sign, and if the arrow moves, well, there you have it! No, it’s not a compass, but it might point you in the right direction.






















Finally, we have the T2 Metal Detector, capable of locating coins buried up to 15 inches underground, and any jewelry, belt buckles or fillings on a body buried up to 3 feet. Whatever it is, wherever it lies, if it’s metal, you’ll be detecting it in no time, breezing by the guys at the beach with their wimpy old-fashioned metal detectors, laughing while they waste time digging up pop tops and metallic rocks while you go straight for the real treasure, as displayed on your spiffy LCD display.

It’s time to stop walking around in ignorant, unaware mode! Some people are wearing t-shirts that can detect wi-fi, breathing into private breathalyzers to detect their level of drunkenness and using love detectors on their phones to determine who really cares. Don’t remain in the dark days of radar and smoke detectors. Get with the program and back on top of your detecting. You’ll be glad you did.

Or are you just happy to see me?

Back in pre-GPS days, mariners used sextants to determine their position as they roamed the seven seas. All they had to do was measure the altitude of the sun, the moon, or a prominent star, then look up the resulting coordinates in a nautical almanac, and they could pinpoint their location with a relatively high degree of accuracy. More recently, GPS devices, maps and simple common sense have been the most popular ways of determining one’s position on the face of the earth, but why be part of the madding crowd? Show ‘em your individuality with a pocket sextant, which says, “I’m a Renaissance kind of guy,” or “I’m comfortable in my own skin,” or at least “I don’t care how my pants hang.”

Please note: this pocket sextant has not been calibrated and is not intended for navigational purposes. So, don’t tell anyone. In fact, don’t even tell them it’s primarily a nautical device. Just walk around, being your cool, uniquely individual self, and whip this out every once in a while, peering through its eyepiece and nodding knowingly. The multitude of protruding parts leaves most people overwhelmed by an intense weariness. “What’s that? It looks too complicated,” they think, and they’re right. But since it doesn’t really work, who cares? The point is to make you seem complicated, and if you walk around with this in any of your pockets, that goal will be accomplished. Nautical almanac not sold, because, for the third time, this thing isn’t in working order. Besides, if you have both the sextant and the almanac, you kind of look like you’re taking it too seriously. So stick with just the sextant. It imparts that gadget-y masculine funk every guy secretly covets, and is a fantastic conversation starter. We’ll leave the navigating up to you; you really do know your way around.

Have it Your Way

Lack of burger standardization need no longer be an item on your pet peeve list. With Adjust-a-Burger, you can turn out consistent, identical burgers of any thickness or weight. Make Junior’s a quarter-pounder with cheese. Dad might want something a little bigger than that. Also consider the thin-type of burger available at most fast food joints, capable of being fully overwhelmed by even the wimpiest bun. Now you can finally have those at home!

Maybe you’re lacking the basic hand-eye coordination and mental judgment needed to form a patty into a vaguely specific shape and size. It can be your little secret! Or maybe we’re way off base. Let’s say you’re perfectly capable of that, but so emphatic about exact measurements that perfect circles and uniform thickness are of paramount importance to you when it comes to food. None of this shapeless randomness for your plate—why do you think they’re round, after all? Or perchance you don’t like handling raw meat and think this will help (not much, when you think about it). We’ve got you covered either way.

Needless to say, like any good 21st century product, Adjust-a-Burger easily adapts to other foods, creating uniform patties of crab, tuna, salmon, turkey, chicken, steak, pork chops, and even members of other food groups (produce is the weak link here). Try making a perfect circle of scrambled eggs (okay, we haven’t been too successful with that one either, or with circular salads, but we’ve made ice cream sandwiches that were a beauty to behold). Use it as a cookie or biscuit cutter, a serving device (my family always appreciates a perfect circle of mashed potatoes or rice plated next to their regulation-weight burgers), or as an attractive method of serving or storing smaller foods like wedding mints. It’s all the things you need in a circular shape and then some.

My brother: Vis-à-vis the Dial-a-burger, I used to have a big mayo jar lid that I (had to) use for that purpose, at work. Sadly, we could only make 6 oz. burgers with it.

Back in those days (of uniform, though unadjustable) burgers only needed to be one size. And we liked it.

Not like these pampered brats of today. And nobody would have been so frivolous as to even consider OTHER circular food items. Ever. This product represents the decline of civilization as we know it.

I wish I had one.

Filter Plucker

Because the last thing you need on those bleary-eyed mornings is another struggle; it’s hard enough being a responsible adult, or even a semi-responsible one. We’ve all been there, haven’t we? Standing a little unsteadily in a dark kitchen, half-awake, with the worst breath of the day, annoyance mounting as we attempt to separate coffee filters which seem to have fused together as if their little lives depended upon it. Eight people out of eleven will, at this point, half-heartedly throw both filters into the coffee maker—hey, if they want to be together that badly, it’s probably meant to be, right? But the result is weak, wimpy coffee and a not-good start to the day, an unnecessary irritant suffered needlessly by millions. Many give up at this point and head to Starbucks, pretending not to be rattled by the experience, but you can look at them and tell what they’ve been through.

Mornings don’t have to be fraught with filter frustration and its ensuing let-down. Instead, picture a relaxed and soothing morning routine. Minutes you used to spend struggling to separate your coffee filters can now be spent savoring a cup of coffee that won’t jangle your nerves until after consumption. Aah.