Then you should have said "a real dog"

In a roughshod economy, we’re all looking for affordability and increased dollar/value ratios, and here’s a product that really delivers. It’s your very own inflatable pet…and therefore none of the typical pet-oriented inconveniences, such as feeding, walking and training. He’ll always be a good boy, and won’t ever bother the neighbors with barking. Plus, his eyes light up! That practically makes up for his not being real, right? Come on, you know you didn’t expect a product angle to come sidling up to your heart like that. Lighting is still relatively fresh in the inflatable world, hence the all-important inset of his eyes, which are lit up, in case you can’t tell. Trust us, it looks a lot better in the dark, but then the dog doesn’t show up.

Ad copy: “Perfect for events, decoration, Displays, Birthday parties, gifts, kids, Advertising and Marketing will catch attention, museums and educational purposes and collections,” which covers a lot of ground pretty ineptly. Imagine Junior’s face when, after all those months of taking out the trash and waiting patiently, he gets ‘his own dog’ at last!

Could it be a faded rose from days gone by?

It’s a well-documented but often overlooked fact that people associate shoes with daybreak, even if they’re doing so on a subconscious lizard-brain level. After all, once a day starts, shoes come into the picture for most of us. Your brain is hardwired to perform associative thoughts such as this without your having to be bothered to think about the reasons why. In fact, you can’t even stop yourself. Some of these associations are quite personal; others are common to all members of the species. When shown a feather, nine people out of ten find themselves ruminating about late afternoon and/or sugar cookies, and nothing quite evokes midnight like talcum powder sitting quietly in a medicine chest—I think we can all agree there.

Which is why it’s no surprise that someone wearing his thinking cap has come up with these fabulous dawn simulators with bulbs, cleverly disguised as a pair of pink patent leather flats. It’s a fully dimmable full light spectrum box, folks—the only one on the market! You may have to use your imagination at first, or try squinting a little and stepping back from your monitor, but after a while, you’ll see the simulation of dawn, as well as the bulbs (photos are available from other angles, although none captures that bulbous essence as well as this). Bravo, SunRizr! This is one of the best examples of thinking outside the envelope we’ve seen in quite some time.

Should I stay or should I go now?

It was only a matter of time from the very get-go, a car with frail old tires driven too quickly down a curvy road on a rainy night, a soufflé just waiting for that oven door to slam, a big ugly zit that was going to need some special attention. But as clear and obvious as the right decision seemed, practicality stood firmly in its way.

A certain amount of sucking it up is necessary in most of life’s arenas, and anyone who hasn’t learned that by now is having an even worse time than the rest of us. But we all know that there’s also that proverbial sand-line and once it gets sullied, or much worse, completely besmirched…well, there’s just no going back to holding hands, is there?

And so it was time to decide once and for all. Was I going to chew this gum?

I’d tried it before and found it highly distasteful and sub-par on every level. But there I was, about to buy it again. Or was I going to go for broke and chew this gum?

Because, after all, this is some sweet-n-tasty stuff, with a super-fine aftertaste. I’d been craving it for months.

Then a well-meaning friend slipped me a piece of this gum

and before I knew it, the answer was crystal-clear. I feel better already.

May the force be with you

You might be stuck behind that desk, or in whatever traplike situation your job consists of, but don’t let that stop you from whisking your lower extremities away for a brief trip with the HKO Knee Abductor. It counteracts the scissoring forces of the legs! When I think of all the times I’ve had to self-counteract that scissoring force. How many, you ask? That’s way too much math for this early in the day, but let’s guesstimate at least a thousand, because that’s a nice, round number, which means I’m probably about at the end of my “able to resist the scissoring force” time of life. This product also bears our personal hallmark of approval for multi-tasking, because once your scissoring force is no longer counteracted by the air bladder, you get to graduate to the mechanical post (not pictured, but vividly imagined). Whatever you do, though, do not attempt to abduct your elbows; this voids the manufacturer’s warranty and you’ll have only yourself to blame.

Happy happy joy joy

Damn, it has been a rough and rugged year, hasn’t it? I actually allowed things to get to me, and not for the first time, may I add. Fell into kind of a rut-like brown study, and before I knew it discontent, worry and a seemingly unending stream of celebrity deaths made it easy to stay on life hiatus, occupying an angsty limbo of vast proportions. Sometimes it can be unreasonably difficult to pull oneself out of these funks, and even more difficult to think of a reason for doing so. I’d even given up my beloved shopping therapy.

But this morning the sun was shining and I felt marginally better, so I headed down my favorite emporium where I purchased this lovely Boo Frickin’ Hoo Have a Cocktail and Get Over It apron. Maybe it’s the stitching on the pocket or the flared hemline, but something about this apron got to me, touched me somewhere deep inside, somewhere probably close to my liver, and reminded me that life’s too short – you’ve got to take the bitter with the sweet, the sour with the umami and the cocktail with the extra shot in it if you want to get through this rat-maze we call modern life. Bottoms up!