Each and every day of the year

Had to go shopping for a new calendar today, and got lost in all the options. It’s not a decision to make light-heartedly; you’re going to live with this thing for a year, and look at its twelve pictures repeatedly. I’ve spent enough time with boring landscapes and cute animal photos and now demand something more compelling.




















I came really close to purchasing this calendar when I first saw it. The idea of a year of bad habits held a lot of appeal. Then I realized all the bad habits belonged to nuns—some wacky, good-time nuns; the type who like to ride around posing for calendars, because a few minutes later I found
















the nuns having fun calendar. I'd been unaware of this as an annual theme. And yet it’s clearly a natural; who doesn’t enjoy watching nuns frolic? You can never get enough of that. But since I couldn’t decide between the two, I went for something with a little more visual pop and vivacity.



















The hunks of Greenspring, a retirement community, were kind enough to take time out of their busy schedules to pose for a truly titillating calendar. Proceeds benefit the senior benevolent care fund, an entity I sincerely hope is going to be contributing to my well-being in the not-too-distant future—because I’m already quite certain I’ll be in dire need of both benevolence and cash. Besides, after seeing pictures like this



















I was incapable of walking away. Mr. November here is just the tip of the shirtless geezer iceberg. One look in his eyes and I could tell 2009 is going to be a year like no other.



















Cheers to that!

All the best to you

Have a wonderful day!

For the rest of us

That’s right, it’s officially Festivus, and a friend sent this lovely card to commemorate today’s celebratory events. We got out the Festivus pole and displayed our feats of strength, after which we were sweaty and agitated, but self-impressed, as usual.

Then we sat down to a Festivus feast (no, it wasn’t roast beast; more like tripe). The annual airing of grievances took much longer than expected. Without subtlety or composure, the penguin parade centerpiece added its inimitable, inevitable presence to the long, drawn-out occasion. No one’s ever too sorry to see this meal end. That’s when we put the centerpiece back into storage until the next year, at which point we greet it with the same blank stare of disbelief. And yet it has somehow weasled its way into our Festivus festivities; you know how family traditions are. Aunt Wanda really likes this thing, but we can never persuade her to let it live at her house.

We all shine on

Please don’t think we’ve forgotten about those of you who celebrate other holidays during this special time of year, especially not those of you who are smart enough to celebrate for an entire week! Hanukkah started yesterday, and that means it’s time to get out the dancing and singing menorah. He’ll dance and sing a Hanukkah song as each candle lights up. He’s got a winning smile and some killer moves for a guy with no legs.
















Here’s Kwanzaa man with his kinara, ready to join in the fun and the pouring of libations on the 26th. He’s rather serious, but tells excellent stories. Kids and animals find him nearly irresistible.




















And for those who simply observe the passing of the seasons and the beauty of nature, there’s winter solstice fresh cut evergreen fragrance (with actual evergreen parts included). It does not matter what you’re celebrating, as long as you’re spending money you can’t afford to part with and being a good consumer like everyone else, so please, join in the spending frenzy and do so with gusto and élan.

Not to be confused with Christmas crap

Someone sent me a Christmas carp. Patron saint of the piscine posse, reeking of ancient symbolism and lore, he’s the very embodiment of the reason for the season on a subterranean psychological level. And he kind of grows on you; all those happy-faced holiday decorations can wear thin, but his penetrating, unwavering stare radiates solidity and stolidity. Merry fishmas!