Games people play

Tonight we’re planning some at-home fun and mayhem (sorry, kids, this one’s for ages 12 and up only). We recently picked up this really fun game, A Look at Alcohol & Tobacco, and can’t keep ourselves away from it! It’s a good thing an answer key’s included, because after a few hours, no one seems to care how much an ounce of alcohol is, or how many belong in “one drink.” (we love those quotation marks; they know us so well!) We also enjoy taking a look at tobacco, which seems to complement our alcohol quite nicely; they make an attractive pairing.

















The morning after we play this game usually finds us spending lots of time in the bathroom and praying fervently to our St. Vivian figurine. Vivian’s the patron saint of hangovers—you knew there had to be one, didn’t you? Actually, she has a bit of an “I told you so” expression on her face, but we’re willing to turn to anything for assistance in difficult moments. We hollowed ours out and stuffed her with aspirin, so now she’s kind of the Pez dispenser of hangover patron saints; please go with whatever works best for you. And please shut the door quietly on your way out.

Right on track, is that gonna get you back?

Money’s tight these days, and I’ve been practically saintly in the parting with cash department, pinching every penny and picking up the ones I find on the road. And yet, you know how it goes. Some products just cry out for purchase regardless of finances, and I often find myself ponying up even when I really should be clamping down. Alas, there was just no resisting the urinary track decoction; I was rendered completely powerless in the presence of its no-nonsense label and fancy packaging. This stuff resolves dampness, eliminates turbidity, opens the water passages of the lower burner, and tonifies the kidneys. All that for only $29.95?! Who could resist? What solidified the sale, however, was the fact that this product possesses the ability to relieve that uncomfortable sensation in my hypogastrium, as well as my dizziness and feeling cold. Sometimes a product really does live up to its grandiose and impossible claims, and this is one of those times. My urinary “track” even sent me a thank you note, although it insisted on some spelling correction. It’s feisty that way.

For all your 2,000 parts

And we know those parts are pretty much all super-sized; you're a good, solid specimen. This product’s particularly for guarding your burly elbows. Please don’t say they aren’t burly, because we’ve been following you around and even taking some clandestine from-behind photos, and not only do we think you’ve got burly elbows, we find your calves to be rather buff. In fact, your shoulders are also mighty fierce, and we mean from just about every angle—have you been working out? You’re looking good, my friend—as good as a living large dad! So don’t forget to protect those elbows. They may look burly, but they have a sensitive aspect that people don’t see at first.

Wear them with your brawny pants

because those legs of yours are also looking massive, strapping and thickset, and don't forget your

colossal t-shirt, for those commodious upper arms and your ample chestal region. After all, your clothes should match your bodily proportions and possess that bigger than life quality that you’re oozing these days. At least one in three of you, that is.

By the way, if any of these product combinations are ordered within the next fifteen seconds or so we’ll be pleased as punch to wrap them, at absolutely no extra charge to you, in the

hunky torso gift bag and include a fan letter. You’re on fire this week, your largeness!

What size is your life?

I’ve got a paternal birthday looming, and I think my dad’s amply worthy of this gift basket...well, more of a gift bucket, isn’t it? This one’s for the “living large dad,” and I’d say my dad is living about as large as he can these days. Included: a special “proformance” drink, which I believe may be the product with the Jim Beam label in this picture. There’s also some junk food, and man-gear in one of its most popular varietals (BBQ equipment). Everything’s been lovingly hand-arranged in a manner appreciated by those enjoying super-sized living, but you probably already knew that, eh, big guy?

Sentimental Journey

The retro refrigerator rushes you back in time, recalling an era when refrigerators were nothing more than glorified cabinets and food cooling methods basically nonexistent. That’s right, we’ve included absolutely no electricity or any type of cooling device whatsoever, which allowed us to lower our price significantly, meeting the needs of today’s consumers. There’s not even a bowl of ice in there—food may well increase in temperature when placed inside the refrigerator for all we know. There’s lots of shelf space, though. And the product itself is laden with quality, right down to the magnets holding the doors closed, and the little Frigidaire-esque metal insignia on the front. Also, because it’s wood, it’s paintable, so even if your kitchen isn’t pink we’ve got you covered. Orders have been pouring in. Oh, yes, they have.