Got saliva?

Adulthood…not quite what you thought it would be, is it? All those years of waiting, making vows about how you were going to be (vastly different from the adults in your childhood life), planning a fabulous fun-filled, carefree existence which would start approximately two seconds after you were free of authority figures. You absolutely could not wait to be out on your own, and if someone had sat you down and said, “No, see, these are your true golden years, when someone else is responsible,” you’d have served him or her the full force of your derision, with a side of “what you talkin’ ‘bout, Willis?” because there was no way it wasn’t going to be so much cooler/better/more fun and fulfilling on every conceivable level to be “the boss of me.” If it would only hurry up and happen, already.

And then, wow, it did happen. Fast forward to now: your inner child sulks every time you have to take out the trash, do laundry, or go to work, only you don’t mention it most of the time, ‘cause now you’re a grown up. But, please. All these chores, plus a job, plus other people to take care of? And hardly the expendable income you’d envisioned. This was not the game plan. When’s all the non-stop fun going to start?, because you kind of feel as if you were bypassed. Now that you think about it, it was kind of nice to have dinner be someone else’s decision, huh? And bill-paying. And remember how it felt being able to openly mock anyone you didn’t like? To never stop & think about all those yucky “r” words like ramifications and repercussions and rent. Those were sweet days, man, sour as they may have gone down at the time.

So, when you’re waxing nostalgic, try to grasp at snippets of your old life, which is as close as you’ll ever get. This product provides a perfect example. Recreate the joyful sensation of the spit bath with Momspit. Who can forget those wonderful moments when your mom would glance at your face, then pull out a Kleenex and do something so disgusting you hoped no one was watching? Sometimes she’d really scrub and it kind of hurt, adding injury to insult. You couldn’t even believe she just did that. And for the rest of the day every time the wind hit you from a certain angle, you’d get that whiff of mom-breath. Momspit recreates this wonderful childhood experience, right down to the no-rinse instructions, and the “unscented” claim. Let it take you part of the way back!

All I need is the air that I breathe

Many people out there are aware that their eating habits do more to deplete their health than promote it, so they choose to supplement their diet with a daily multivitamin, hoping to even things out in the long run. Now you can do the same thing to make up for the begrimed and squalid inadequacies of the air you’ve been breathing with Mr. Oxygen OxyLift daily oxygen and mineral booster. Ad copy states: Most every customer buys 6 or 12 at a time. Please don't ask us how this compares to anything else, as this is the best with a singularly unique formula and any attempts at comparison with any other product only take the focus away from the great results obtained. So, we won’t say anything else, not wanting to take the focus away from a product that loves it some limelight. Make sure to be a lemming and get at least 6 or 12.

Finally, truth in advertising

Telling the truth is probably what makes this product so wildly popular. Also, many people enjoy products that come in pellet-dispensers. Lycopodium Clavatum = “bloated abdomen improved by passing gas.” If anyone out there knows of a better method of improving bloated abdomen (a method that doesn’t involve taking some kind of pre-meal gas-minimizer, or being in any way responsible or practical about what to ingest), I’m all ears. In fact, everyone's listening once you’ve taken your Lycopodium Clavatum.

Until mine shows up I guess I’ll have to resort to improving my bloated abdomen by passing gas without any homeopathic assistance. Good thing I’ve pretty much got the hang of it by now.

Chi key

The Dual Aqua Ion Ionic Detox Chi Cleanse Foot Spa Bath with MP3 comes with a power cord and a wrist strap so you can listen to MP3s while getting an internal cleansing. And unlike so many detoxification products on the market, this one doesn’t make you ingest anything that leads to colon cleansing. That’s because it soaks all that unclean foulness out of your feet. It’s kind of like the Kinoki pad concept, except that instead of wearing that dirt on a foot sticker, you’re soaking in it, as Madge used to say. The music's just there for distraction.

Once again, ions come heroically to our rescue. They’re not only calming, they’re cleansing and health-promoting as well. The product description says a healthy person should contain 80% negative electrons and 20% positive, and the restoration of this imbalanced equation forces the body to purge itself of various acids, such as diacetic, pyruvic, lactic, butyric, uric, carbonic, acetic and hepatic. You are going to feel so much better without that butyric acid.

Eventually this will restore both your body and mind, but probably not your equilibrium. Because after soaking in the water and listening to your favorite songs for about thirty minutes, your feet will appear to be in a cesspool of filth.





















When you can no longer distinguish your toes, you’ve got some very clean chi, and a little tubful of stinky dirty chemicals. We ask that you not throw this away at home, but dispose of it in an environmentally responsible way so that your chi will stay clean a little longer.

Gee, your clothes smell specific

Another intriguingly shaped wand product, this one allowing women to make their clothes smell like a French lavender field in full bloom—a scent that’s highly alluring to women. Maybe not so much for men, who tend to say it reminds them of their grandmothers. The wands are bunches of real lavender delicately interwoven with ribbon, hand-assembled by very clever French goats, who occasionally nibble at the profit margins. Hard to blame them, though. This lavender smells great—just like maracas!

Face the face

Here’s a product that takes facial care to an expansive cerulean plateau. It firms your “lazy skin.” That’s right, you’ve got lazy skin; it’s not that you’re getting older and losing collagen, despite what they said on “Body In Numbers.” It’s that your skin has decided it’s break time and is slacking, slouching and slinking its way downhill. Fast.

Plug this in and you’ll be back on track in no time. The Derma Wand is capable of an astounding 114,000 cycles per second; cycling has proved to be one of the best ways to get your lazy skin off its fat ass and back into shape. It’s like a facial spinning class.

When you’re done exercising that lazy skin, give it a spritz with the Derma Vital Hydrating Skin Mist, which is a “pure, mineral and chemical free water” specifically prepared for use with this product, completely unlike the pure, mineral and chemical free water you might drink or bathe in. You’ll be dewy, radiant and possibly wondering why so many women’s products are called wands. And do they all have to look like vibrators?

Have a three-day weekend

The best thing about Dr. Brody’s Weekend Whitening System is that it takes three days to work, so you’ll be getting an automatic three-day weekend pass along with your proof of purchase. The next best thing about it is that both step one (the accelerator mouth rinse) and step two (the actual weekend whitener) are comprised primarily of alcohol. Also, the instructions insist that you repeat each step twice, and perform the sequence twice a day. By the time you’re headed back to work with your snowy white freshly cleaned smile, you’ll be wondering where that extra day off went, but time always flies when you’re halving dun.

Keeping it clean, part two

Yuck! Who knew that as we sleep toxins are sneakily making their way to the soles of our feet, where they often remain undetected for an entire lifetime? Luckily these toxins turn out to be eager to be leached through our skin and freed to continue their poisonous existence extra-corporeally.

For years I lived in cold climates and slept with socks on, never waking up to find them oozing formaldehyde, ammonia, mercury and whatever other unsafe substances I'd been unwittingly ingesting. Must have been because my socks weren't adhesive! These miraculous, linty-looking stickers somehow have the absorbability and suction that socks and other feet-encasing products lack. Good thing, or we'd be leaking poisons into our shoes and all over our carpets.

When I see the television commercials for these products, I'm instantly aware of being a walking time bomb, full of death-promoting evil. I'd been holding out for something larger, something capable of really doing the job thoroughly, but I can feel myself caving.

Reusable?!? Say it ain't so.