Now, hold still and don't breathe

We were having a difficult time getting into the Halloween spirit this year, largely for economic reasons. In fact, I did the math, and carefully figured out that every penny spent on something Halloween oriented will not be available for our numerous other needs and wants; regret will be paramount and semi-permanent. But my better half got out-of-the-ballpark excited at the prospect of being Mammogram Man for a few hours, and bought this costume before I could stop him. And he loves it—now he can’t stop talking about how many more days until Halloween it is. I can already see him near the end of the evening on the 31st, slurring his words and asking all the women at our party to “put her here,” as he keeps phrasing it. I’ve told him what they’ll do when he says this, but he gets a little boy gleam in his eye and clearly isn’t listening. Maybe he’ll even wear it to work that day!

No, they're action figures

We all grew up, and/or continue to grow up, with some inescapable Disney exposure. Available in every conceivable format, Disney products have become one of the most ubiquitous of American icons, exuding an aura of innocence, goodness, and that wonderful blend of enchantment, happiness and oversized eyes that we all enjoy just a little too much for our own good. What’s almost universally overlooked is the fact that Disney, particularly the Disney of days gone by—dirty old keepin’ it real Disney—knew that fun comes in many packages and flavors, not all of them wholesome. Here’s one of my favorite Disney collectibles. It’s Pinocchio having fun with his pal Lampwick. They’ve been smoking stogies, pounding a few brewskis and are currently enjoying a rather messy game of pool. Sure, Lampwick eventually got turned into a jackass for behavior such as this, but the story’s not named for him, is it?

The autumn ottomans

As we settle comfortably into the season and many of us retreat to the indoors for an unforeseen number of upcoming months, it’s the perfect moment to consider the style and décor of your abode and to make a flailing attempt at beautification and comfortability. Never overlook the wonderful twining of style and ease proffered by our friends the ottomans, who always manage to look particularly fetching this time of year.


















The South Sea rattan autumn ottoman, for example, is perfect for those who live in warmer climates. Just a touch of fall; it’s all you’ll need.

Whereas the pricey, yet elegant, Old Hickory Tannery autumn ottoman

















is a bastion of stolidity, a stout and hardy companion for those cold winter nights when you’ll be wishing you hadn’t blown quite so much on a footstool. Okay, sure, you’ll regret it, but, then, what don’t you regret? This baby is plush.

And, as always, there’s the ocean of compromise occupied by the Arleigh ottoman.



















All the autumnal and fallacious qualities you’d ever require, at only a fraction of the cost.

Got saliva?

Adulthood…not quite what you thought it would be, is it? All those years of waiting, making vows about how you were going to be (vastly different from the adults in your childhood life), planning a fabulous fun-filled, carefree existence which would start approximately two seconds after you were free of authority figures. You absolutely could not wait to be out on your own, and if someone had sat you down and said, “No, see, these are your true golden years, when someone else is responsible,” you’d have served him or her the full force of your derision, with a side of “what you talkin’ ‘bout, Willis?” because there was no way it wasn’t going to be so much cooler/better/more fun and fulfilling on every conceivable level to be “the boss of me.” If it would only hurry up and happen, already.

And then, wow, it did happen. Fast forward to now: your inner child sulks every time you have to take out the trash, do laundry, or go to work, only you don’t mention it most of the time, ‘cause now you’re a grown up. But, please. All these chores, plus a job, plus other people to take care of? And hardly the expendable income you’d envisioned. This was not the game plan. When’s all the non-stop fun going to start?, because you kind of feel as if you were bypassed. Now that you think about it, it was kind of nice to have dinner be someone else’s decision, huh? And bill-paying. And remember how it felt being able to openly mock anyone you didn’t like? To never stop & think about all those yucky “r” words like ramifications and repercussions and rent. Those were sweet days, man, sour as they may have gone down at the time.

So, when you’re waxing nostalgic, try to grasp at snippets of your old life, which is as close as you’ll ever get. This product provides a perfect example. Recreate the joyful sensation of the spit bath with Momspit. Who can forget those wonderful moments when your mom would glance at your face, then pull out a Kleenex and do something so disgusting you hoped no one was watching? Sometimes she’d really scrub and it kind of hurt, adding injury to insult. You couldn’t even believe she just did that. And for the rest of the day every time the wind hit you from a certain angle, you’d get that whiff of mom-breath. Momspit recreates this wonderful childhood experience, right down to the no-rinse instructions, and the “unscented” claim. Let it take you part of the way back!

Nothing but Star Wars, give me those Star Wars

Yeah, you grew up a long time ago, but that doesn’t mean every facet of your life has to bear the dull and stodgy stamp of adulthood, does it? Break free from the pack, thrill your inner child and impress a few of your neighbors when you take out your trash then proudly lid it with the Star Wars Battle Droid Bucket Topper. “Hey, mine didn’t come with one of those!” they’ll be thinking, trying in vain to recall their garbage can purchasing experiences. The kids also might be a little more likely to participate in trash night when you show them how well the lid doubles as a shield, although they’ll probably just stare at you and remind you that Star Wars isn’t cool any more and hasn’t been for about a generation. And yet, there are those of you occupying a certain demographic—we know who you are, and that there’s a bit of expendable income lurking in there—and for you this product is a must-have and will probably inhabit a room filled with similar products, lonely boyhood dreams, and kind of a weird smell. We’re happily prepared to take full advantage of that.