No, thanks, I just ate

Sick stomach is a kit, but we don’t want to tell you much about what’s inside the yellow box. Rest assured, it’s educational, so you can feel good about letting the kids enjoy themselves. But you might want to keep your distance. This kit allows kids to make their own vomit, explore enzymes, and get a peek at how their digestive systems work – at least the first stage of digestion; we’ll soon be selling Sick Bowels, (the kit!) allowing children to learn more about all the fun that happens after the sick stomach part.

Don’t be surprised if the kids turn out to be a little more scientifically inclined than expected. They also might prove to be rather expert at making their own vomit without the aid of the kit. So, yeah, we’re not really in the mood to talk about what’s in the box, but it’ll be the most popular toy in the house until everyone’s sick of it.

Schwag bags

Every so often it’s a good idea to refresh your supply of plastic bags filled with small things you may or may not ever use, because sooner or later you’ll be relocating, and when that momentous occasion occurs it’s up to you, and only you, to make sure you’ve got lots of stuff. With Old Smokey Electric Smoker Replacement Wood Chips & Grease Absorbents you get two big goodie bags all a-brim with purpose and fortitude. You get both the baggie of wood chips and the baggie of



















cat litter for one low and extremely reasonable price. Order before midnight on Tuesday and we’ll throw in a medium-sized bag of unused Kleenex and a week’s worth of rubber bands at no extra charge. Hand-selected by a carefully trained staff of professionals, Old Smokey schwag is some of the best stuff out there.

Those were the days

Next time you feel like sweatin’ to the oldies, grab your Nostalgic AM/FM Radio. Guaranteed to play only songs recorded before 1959, the radio includes fun vacuum tube lighting for extra-retro effect, and a classy fake burled wood trim, which imparts a hint of yesterday to any item. But best of all, the radio’s analog and has rotary tuning. How many years has it been since you treated yourself to that in-between stations sound, much less to the joys of AM radio? Nostalgic radio is a richly rewarding trip back in time and we urge you to consider packing your bags.

Have a weekend of great sex

This kit sounds great, promising a most fabulous weekend, until you realize it’s really just a book and some melted candy. Then maybe your enthusiasm level dwindles. Mine did. I mean, reading is a wonderful activity, heartily endorsed for all the right reasons, but it kind of gets in the way of that potential weekend of great sex that was just dangled in front of me. How about if I read the book on weeknights?

To help you embark upon your great sex weekend you get some chocolate body paint and a brush (probably a weekend brush). There’s also a coupon which reads: when you give me this coupon, I will slather Chocolate Body Paint® all over any part of your body. Maybe it’s because I started dipping into the Halloween candy several days ago, but I’m kind of burnt out on chocolate right now. Maybe we could just cut straight to the chase?

We're all wasted

Expand your carbon footprint by purchasing a cup holder for your juice box, bag or can, which was already doing a relatively okay job of containing that corn syrup and dye. It even comes with an extra straw, which you can insert inside the straw that came with the juice container for even more landfill points. When you’re finished, throw everything away. You probably also use paper plates, wastrel. How about avoiding the middleman and just pouring some juice in a cup? Or, conversely, try going somewhere without a beverage in hand. Just once.