Have a fashionable weekend

The days may be shorter and colder, but you and the dog still need exercise. So put on your coats and hit the streets. The fact that most dogs come equipped with fully functional coats shouldn’t dissuade you, because the real purpose of the quilted weekend coat is dog humiliation. Don’t do this to your best friend!

Depending upon climate and breed, dogs may consider coat-wearing on very rare occasions. They do not, however, need contrasting gingham lining, button details, or this strange biblike variation of the Peter Pan collar. If you’re going to buy your dog a coat, please try for something a little more stylish.

Like this. Show the world your dog’s as cool as you are.

This is also quite acceptable for most self-respecting canines.

Whereas this is another no-no.

And this? We’ll let you be the judge.

Have an estate planning weekend

We know you’re thinking one of two things: 1) but I don’t have an estate and/or 2) that’s not at all how I want to spend my weekend.

Our planned and canned responses to this negativism are 1) good, solid estates are planned, not accidental, and they don’t happen overnight, and 2) us either, but once we got it out of the way, we felt kinda proud of ourselves for a few minutes, before a deep-seated worry about lack of future funds set in. Then we started freaking over when we were going to die, which served as a temporary distraction. Within a few days everything was pretty much back to normal, except for the new nagging dread that something’s going to go drastically wrong. But with that dread comes a smidgeon of inner peace, because at least we’ve done our part to try to keep our assets covered. You’ll enjoy that; inner peace smidgeons are scarce these days.

Besides, it’s not that much like homework. There’s also a CD-ROM for those of you too lazy to read the book. Gather your loved ones around you. Make some popcorn, watch the CD and learn how to protect each other as your lifespans rapidly dwindle. Then fill in the (free!) blank forms, witness each other’s signatures and you’ve got yourself an estate in the works. You’d be surprised at how heartwarming that prospect can be.

Have a Barbie-like weekend

Barbie what a weekend isn’t the Barbie you thought you knew, the wild party girl with all the cool stuff. Some weekends she kicks back like a true couch potato. Her hair loses its platinum luster and becomes light brown (she claims it’s light brown, at least). She has a dog, a pet bed and a dog food dish. You probably thought Barbie’s weekends were full of hot dates with Ken, shopping sprees in the Malibu, or wild times in




















the hot tub party bus. But it turns out that even a popular girl like Barbie sometimes just wants to spend a little quiet time with her dog, her
















couch, some junk food, and a cell phone. And that’s not always such a bad weekend, now, is it?

Have a weekend of great sex

This kit sounds great, promising a most fabulous weekend, until you realize it’s really just a book and some melted candy. Then maybe your enthusiasm level dwindles. Mine did. I mean, reading is a wonderful activity, heartily endorsed for all the right reasons, but it kind of gets in the way of that potential weekend of great sex that was just dangled in front of me. How about if I read the book on weeknights?

To help you embark upon your great sex weekend you get some chocolate body paint and a brush (probably a weekend brush). There’s also a coupon which reads: when you give me this coupon, I will slather Chocolate Body Paint® all over any part of your body. Maybe it’s because I started dipping into the Halloween candy several days ago, but I’m kind of burnt out on chocolate right now. Maybe we could just cut straight to the chase?

Have a knotty weekend

The bondage gear weekend escape kit includes an individualized selection of intimate relationship aids. Please allow us to surprise you, and trust that we know enough about your secret desires to make you squirm with both discomfort and glee. Our kits are tasteful, sensitive, respectful, and very well-made.

The package claims to include (among many other fantasy-fulfilling items) a silk sash (in midnight black—wow, it’s like we’re reading your mind, isn’t it?), some warming lube, icy hot body beads, and a fantasy booklet, whose contents will vary based upon your personal fantasy. Um, no, not that one. We’re trying to help you resurrect your relationship, not run it into the ground.

Have an urban weekend

Here’s the perfect something for a weekend of warmth and seated activity. This kit includes knitting instructions, patterns, helpful hints, and eight sweaters for the “Urban Woman.” (Since it weighs only three ounces, they’re not really sending you the sweaters, just some signed 8x10 glossies.) This particular sweater is called the “softee chunky,” which is a strange coincidence because I think I had a candy bar last week with the exact same name.

Anyway, everyone knows that knitting is a very urban and urbane activity, so stop acting like you live in Cowtown and do something suave and citified with your weekend. You’ll have something softee chunky to show for it come Monday morning.

Have a fatwoody weekend

It’s that wonderful time of year when we’re all caught up in a heady mixture of cider-pressing, hay rides, leaf raking, and gathering wood for those cozy winter evenings by the fireplace. At least that’s how it used to be. These days the focus has shifted—fall is football season, the rest be damned. There’s cider at the grocery store, you own a leaf blower, hay makes you sneeze, and you buy your wood and have it delivered like everyone else on your street. But your wood’s just a little bit superior to theirs, because you ordered the fatwood weekend kit

This kit delivers about as much bang as your wood-buying buck can expect. You get some fatwood, two fire drops and some cinnamon-scented pinecones known as kindle cones. Fatwood is pine that’s infused with enough resin to make it a natural fire-starter. Fire drops and kindle cones are then tossed into the flames for added volume, texture, and sheen. You also get some colored ribbons (more than just the one that’s used to tie the package) and they’re really pretty when they burn. It’s an ignescent, combustible bag of potential conflagration—start telling people that’s what you want for Christmas. Meanwhile, enjoy the cinnamon-scented blaze.

Have an adventurous weekend

This is the perfect time of year to spend some time re-acquainting oneself with Mother Nature, bonding with all the trees and fresh air and rude people. Get out there and do some hiking, or rock climbing, or round up some friends and play football. As my mother always used to say, “It’s a beautiful day. Now, get off the couch and go outside.”

You get the concept, even its wisdom, but you rarely implement it. Still, every so often you allow someone to talk you into doing something a little more calorie-burning than walking to the fridge—admittedly, against your better judgment. And after months or years of the soft life, you are approximately 75% more injury-prone during those rare bursts of autumnal activity. Don’t let these risks keep you inside, away from all that nutty fun. You know you should get out there. Just be ready for the inevitable with the Weekender Adventure Medical Kit.

It’s fully stocked, too; it could probably get you through half a week if it had to. There’s lots of aspirin, ibuprofen and antihistamines; some bandages and dressings; that lovely “flesh-colored” sprain-wrap; duct tape (which should be mandatorily included in pretty much every kit) and a few safety pins. Safety pins are like little good luck charms—did you think they were called safety pins because of the way they close? That may be true, but they bring safety, and bring it in droves. Best of all, the kit comes with Splinter Picker/Tick Remover Forceps. I thought tweezers could do the job, but after only one use, I’m a big, big forceps fan.

Have a three-day weekend

The best thing about Dr. Brody’s Weekend Whitening System is that it takes three days to work, so you’ll be getting an automatic three-day weekend pass along with your proof of purchase. The next best thing about it is that both step one (the accelerator mouth rinse) and step two (the actual weekend whitener) are comprised primarily of alcohol. Also, the instructions insist that you repeat each step twice, and perform the sequence twice a day. By the time you’re headed back to work with your snowy white freshly cleaned smile, you’ll be wondering where that extra day off went, but time always flies when you’re halving dun.

Have a WWJLD? weekend

Hey, alla y’all who are over six…let’s spend a live action weekend with Jamie Lynn Spears, play her PVD game, and just sorta see what Jamie Lynn does in her spare time. Or what she used to do with it; now that she has a baby her weekends probably aren’t much like whatever’s depicted in this product. Maybe she even had to get a part-time job at Orange Julius or some place. Whatever she’s up to, as an on-the-go pseudo-famous relative of a failing pop star and a teenage mother to boot, she’s someone to emulate, except in her choice of neckwear. Let’s face it, we could all benefit from a weekend spent walking a few miles in her moccasins. Or strolling a few malls in her stilettos, whatever it is she does. By Monday her poster will be prominently displayed in your locker. You’ll feel so close to her after your weekend together, it’ll be like, “Jamie, call me when the baby’s napping, ‘kay? Peace out!” and you’ll truly care about her just for who she is, and not because of her big sis.

Have a colorful weekend

Tackle that “honey dew” list with weekend spray paint, and get the job done in half the time with one-third the effort, because everyone knows weekend time is sacred and not to be wasted. Before you even start to become bored and restless your project’s finished and mostly dry. Clean-up’s a breeze, too.

If your paint job calls for regular paint, we’ve also got you covered with

the weekend paintbrush, which provides identical results. Minimize the misery, and leave regular paint and painting implements for professionals or weekdays, or those “I like to watch paint dry” types. As for you, you’re on to something much more pleasant while they’re still applying the second coat.