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Here’s a “power packaged combination” of ingredients that will give your energy level, and probably your heart rate, a happy little push in the right direction. Apparently that direction also involves increased gas. But when you stop and think about it, isn’t that the side effect of oh, so many of life’s little enhancers and boosters? Sometimes you have to rob Peter to pay Paul, and it’ll all be worth it when you feel this newfound energy coursing through your bubbly bod. The ad copy claims that once you try Up Your Gas you’ll know how it got its crazy name. Then they tack on a compelling phrase: “So the next time you feel yourself running…” And we all know where you’re running; the gassy build-up has left no doubt in anyone’s mind.
It’s that wonderful time of year when nature’s forces and our attempts to combat them result in painfully dry, cracked skin and unpleasantly chapped lips. And for some folks the situation will remain unchanged for months to come. Forget the lip protection you grew up with, be it Chapstick, Carmex, or Bonne Bell Lip Smackers, and try something designed for today’s chapping.
Ultra white trash lip balm, for instance, comes in cream filling flavor and claims to be reminiscent of last night’s dinner. I guess that’s if you had cream filling for dinner. Mmm.
Or, since you’re not a spring chicken any more (apologies to any spring chickens out there), why not kill two birds with one lip product and try
menopause lip balm. It works on PMS too; females of many ages can smooth their lips and their inner realms with this wonderful product. Apply and re-apply, and you can make this the first chap-free winter of your life. Remember to keep resisting that urge to lick your lips.
When I tell people I’m worried about my financial situation, I’m really just saying that to make them feel more at ease—commiseration is one of my strong points. Truth be told, I’m completely unburdened by any monetary worries because since about fifth grade I’ve been the proud owner of a magic money card. I thought they’d been taken off the market in the late ‘70s, but I stand corrected. (I should’ve known; I’m rarely one of the lucky few, but frequently one of the arbitrary many.)
For a very reasonable price you can now receive two of them (why do we always need the extra?). On the reverse, you may find the imprint of what appears to be a regular playing card—tell people to ignore that side. You are not carrying around a three of hearts; it’s a magic money card whose most important aspect is the infinity rainbow logo, which keeps that positive cash flowing with a groovy, never-ending vibe. At least that’s what I was told when I purchased mine.
Say hello to the Marie Osmond Summer Sunshine Porcelain Doll. She’s 10 inches of seated perfection, but it’s hard to tell when you first see her.
She looks mighty uncomfortable in her striped pink box, swaddled in plastic, cradled by cardboard, arms nowhere in sight, suffering the humiliation of what must be a summer sunshine costume that seems to surround her face with bi-colored felt sunrays. One of a limited edition of only 2,500, the doll “has been handcrafted with the special attention to detail that is the hallmark of all Marie Osmond dolls. She is hallmarked on the back of her neck with Marie's signature and is hand numbered.” Extra points awarded for using the word hallmark in two consecutive sentences. Truly, the amount of time, effort, thought and planning that have clearly gone into this product are unparalleled. Kudos to you, Marie; congrats on the weight loss as well.
Now, let's work on this.
Check out Mr. Happy Hand: he got a Groove Glove for Christmas and hasn’t stopped playing with it yet. It’s hard to blame him. This product delivers months of fun, at minimum. It’s a little DJ deck complete with four sound controls (one per finger), allowing you to add your own scratches, riffs, and samples to all your favorite songs. Just imagine the delight of everyone around you, as you serenade the world with music done your way.
With your other hand, reach into your pocket and pull out your Stylophone. It’s a mini electronic organ (guys, we know: you’ve already got an organ in there) from the late ‘60s, revamped for today’s needs. You’re a veritable one-man band, and we haven’t even involved your legs yet. Stylophones are capable of adding that sweet midi-like slice of wonderful-ness to any tune. Everyone enjoys its dulcet tones, which take many of us back to simpler times involving church, malls and game shows. Forget mp3 players and make your own kind of music.
