The mystery of Mr. Ease

Mr. Ease uses natural plant extracts to relax and soothe anal muscles so that they’re calm, carefree and feeling no pain. Better yet, it does so without impeding sensuality—because if you’re going to resort to artificial means to a wider anus, you don’t want a lot of numbness getting in the way. Once you’re anally relaxed, soothed and sensual, the good times snowball exponentially, don’t they?

Since we’re pretty sure you’ll be hooked for life, the product’s offered in delivery cycles—you can arrange to have a new batch of Mr. Ease show up every so often, but because it’s manufactured by a control freak on a very tight German schedule, it’s available only in pre-determined time intervals.

An important thing to remember about Mr. Ease is that he’s intended solely for men. Under no circumstances should women buy, use or handle this product in any way. As far as Mr. Ease is concerned, if you’re stuck in a woman’s body, you should suck it up and accept your sorry lot in life.

But don’t worry; we’ve got you covered in wild cherry, crazy girl.

I never had to babysit again

“Good night, Bobby, don’t let the bedbugs bite. I’m going to turn off the overhead light now.”

“But, Auntie, I’m afraid of the dark.”

“You won’t have to be any more, Bobby. I bought you a surprise yesterday. Want me to go get it?”

“Yes!” (eager bed bouncing and sound of retreating footsteps)

(sound of footsteps returning)

“Okay, Bobby, I’ve got it right here. Hold on a second…where’s that outlet? Got it! Now, let me get this light bulb…all right, you ready, sweetie?”

“Yes!” (more eager bed bouncing)

(click)

(scream, followed by loud crying) “Turn it off, turn it off, turn it off! I want my Mommy!”

(click)

(sound of retreating footsteps)

Light bulb moments

We decided to go shopping for a new lamp for the room in our house that I refer to as the den, but that my better half calls his man cave. We want the room to be lit as dimly and softly as possible, and all the lamps we own produce light that’s too harsh and glaring for the desired atmosphere in the den/man cave. We wanted more of a glowing effect than anything actually utilitarian; relatively ineffective lights were exactly what we were after.

We got to a lighting store, separated, and within minutes were heading toward the other with lamps in each hand and smiles on our faces.

I proudly held out






















the snail lamp and




















the lady bug lamp. “They’re perfect,” I started to say, but he was already shaking his head, no, saying, “It’s a man cave, remember?” Then I saw his choices:




















the Himalayan crystal rock lamp and




















the Himalayan salt crystal prosperity bowl.

“The term man cave doesn’t have to imply that we’re cave men,” I protested. “Plus, I don’t want a glowing bowl of orange rocks tempting me all the time. Let’s keep looking, okay?”

A few minutes later, I sauntered over to him and displayed




















the Dachshund accent lamp. I received such a withering look, I expected him to say, “Why don’t you go wait in the car?” Instead he just shook his head and kept looking. Pretty soon he came running up to me with



















a couple of these floor LED lights. He was particularly fond of the blue one. I told him if he wanted to be a Jedi knight, I was going to force him to do it in the back yard, not in the den.

“You mean the man cave,” he said. But he put them back.

The store was huge, and we’d only been down two aisles, so we kept going.

Soon I found, and was completely mesmerized, by





















the Groovy Shrooms light—I mean, I just couldn’t take my eyes off it. “No one else has one!” I pleaded, seeing the doubt in better half’s eyes.

“Guess why?” he said. “It’s 2008!”

But the only other light he found and liked was





















the See No Evil Monkey Light. And cute as it may be, it’s just not what I wanted in the den, or the man cave, or any other room in the house. This monkey’s bony legs and arms made me feel sorry for it. “Besides, I’d spend the rest of my life looking for its missing companions,” I said, thinking this was a good point.

So, as usual, we ended up compromising, which is what marriage is all about, folks. We found




















a kit that will allow us to make our own lamp. Of course, it seems like it’s going to be a very bare-bones kind of lamp, quite minimalist, but at least we’ll both be happy knowing we agreed on something.





















However, when we got home, what did I find in the bag? The Speak No Evil monkey. I glanced over at better half, who said, “I wanted you to have a quest. Plus, it’s my man cave.” And he pulled it out and plugged it in. I’m trying to follow its example.

Smells like nirvana

We all know what Jesus looked like from the many portraits he sat for during his lifetime, but have you ever wondered what Jesus smelled like? Now you can not only look good for Jesus, but also wear a scent that he’s fond of, Jerusalem Perfume. It comes with a certificate of authenticity (Jesus’ seal of approval, which he doesn’t give to many products), and contains the essences of plants and flowers from the Holy Land. Jesus will be so pleased that when the time comes you’ll get an all-expenses paid trip to Heaven and a seat close enough to Jesus that he can catch a waft of your lovely essence every so often. Then he’ll smile at you, and let me tell you, it’s a great feeling to know you’ve brought a smile to Jesus’ face.

Have an adventurous weekend

This is the perfect time of year to spend some time re-acquainting oneself with Mother Nature, bonding with all the trees and fresh air and rude people. Get out there and do some hiking, or rock climbing, or round up some friends and play football. As my mother always used to say, “It’s a beautiful day. Now, get off the couch and go outside.”

You get the concept, even its wisdom, but you rarely implement it. Still, every so often you allow someone to talk you into doing something a little more calorie-burning than walking to the fridge—admittedly, against your better judgment. And after months or years of the soft life, you are approximately 75% more injury-prone during those rare bursts of autumnal activity. Don’t let these risks keep you inside, away from all that nutty fun. You know you should get out there. Just be ready for the inevitable with the Weekender Adventure Medical Kit.

It’s fully stocked, too; it could probably get you through half a week if it had to. There’s lots of aspirin, ibuprofen and antihistamines; some bandages and dressings; that lovely “flesh-colored” sprain-wrap; duct tape (which should be mandatorily included in pretty much every kit) and a few safety pins. Safety pins are like little good luck charms—did you think they were called safety pins because of the way they close? That may be true, but they bring safety, and bring it in droves. Best of all, the kit comes with Splinter Picker/Tick Remover Forceps. I thought tweezers could do the job, but after only one use, I’m a big, big forceps fan.