Why I read the small print

Have you ever shopped at a Sav-A-Lot store? If so, you’ve learned that one of their fun money-saving practices is not offering free bags to customers. Oh, they offer other options: you can pack yourself a shallow box top, purchase a regular issue plastic grocery bag (which feels ridiculous; who would buy one if given the option not to?), or be a green consumer and bring your own bag of choice. Which is what I would have done when I was there the other day, except it was my first time saving a lot, and I did not know about this policy, which resulted in my doing the precarious walk out to my vehicle. And it was a long precarious walk, because these days a lot of us are trying to find ways to cut back on spending.






















But I don’t like being ill-prepared for situations, so next time I’ll be tossing my purchases into a love drawing mojo bag. Besides holding pasta sauce, dog food and toilet paper, it’ll be doing all kinds of positive things for my social life, bringing potential loved ones into my orbit—oh, yes, mmm-hmm, it will indeed, and that’ll be great.

More importantly, though, the mojo bag comes pre-packed with a small amount of special herb. And let me tell you, after a hot afternoon at the crowded Sav-A-Lot store, there’s nothing like getting back home, putting those cheap groceries away, and finding some special herb waiting for you in the bottom corner of the bag. Most people would by-pass this product, believing at first glance that they could easily obtain a less expensive, better-made and more attractive bag for much less money. And they probably could. Maybe that bag would even be better at drawing in love. And yet.

I wear my sunglasses at night

Ad copy for these fabulous spy gear spy vision glasses states that they’re immensely popular because kids expect the same results they see on-screen. Well, duh, don’t we all? Then, unlike the formula used in most advertisements, the honesty factor is suddenly upped: the cool looking (not seen here) techno-pack “actually just holds batteries.” Whoa. And then: “Don’t expect much.” Almost makes you want to reconsider the purchase, doesn’t it? As if that’s not enough, the next sentence delivers what should be the kiss of death: we’re informed that the glasses “are useless for deflecting UV rays, exploring underwater, or—not so surprising—penetrating darkness.” What the hell is going on here? Why are we being told these...facts? Does someone not understand the way product advertising is supposed to work? Where's the hype, the lies, the exaggeration? And yet, such blatant honesty must be working, because there are only a few left in stock. Frankly, we’re refreshed, yet confused...and that’s a sensation not frequently experienced, so bonus points have been awarded.

Livin' the dream

I don’t know about you, but I’m one of those people who’s getting older every single day. This year I decided to let my Halloween costume celebrate my aging process, rather than wasting all that nutty time on appearances, smoke and mirrors. These costume accessories may appear manly, but they are going to be extra-cool on a woman.

For starters, I got some over the hill gums. Yeah, my gums probably look a lot like this anyway, but I’ll admit, I wasn’t brave enough to take this costume all the way to its potential. These are also going to be great for those times when I feel like there’s something caught in my teeth that I can’t get out and I’m in a public place.

Also got some geezer nose hair glasses. I wore them to the grocery store and hardly got a reaction, hmph. Maybe the glasses are just too much like the ones I normally wear…

I know, I know…old isn’t all that original an idea. A lot of you are trying it these days, some with amazing results. But here’s why I’ll be rockin’ the oldster like few others:

It’s a subtle touch, but when people notice my Dio ring, they’ll know how much I really care about this whole old thing.

Now, hold still and don't breathe

We were having a difficult time getting into the Halloween spirit this year, largely for economic reasons. In fact, I did the math, and carefully figured out that every penny spent on something Halloween oriented will not be available for our numerous other needs and wants; regret will be paramount and semi-permanent. But my better half got out-of-the-ballpark excited at the prospect of being Mammogram Man for a few hours, and bought this costume before I could stop him. And he loves it—now he can’t stop talking about how many more days until Halloween it is. I can already see him near the end of the evening on the 31st, slurring his words and asking all the women at our party to “put her here,” as he keeps phrasing it. I’ve told him what they’ll do when he says this, but he gets a little boy gleam in his eye and clearly isn’t listening. Maybe he’ll even wear it to work that day!

No, they're action figures

We all grew up, and/or continue to grow up, with some inescapable Disney exposure. Available in every conceivable format, Disney products have become one of the most ubiquitous of American icons, exuding an aura of innocence, goodness, and that wonderful blend of enchantment, happiness and oversized eyes that we all enjoy just a little too much for our own good. What’s almost universally overlooked is the fact that Disney, particularly the Disney of days gone by—dirty old keepin’ it real Disney—knew that fun comes in many packages and flavors, not all of them wholesome. Here’s one of my favorite Disney collectibles. It’s Pinocchio having fun with his pal Lampwick. They’ve been smoking stogies, pounding a few brewskis and are currently enjoying a rather messy game of pool. Sure, Lampwick eventually got turned into a jackass for behavior such as this, but the story’s not named for him, is it?