Egg-zactly what you want

Since you’ve seen it on TV, you don’t need me to tell you why you want this. With ads running roughly every twenty minutes, most of us currently want a Ped Egg quite badly. We can all imagine the satisfaction of ridding ourselves of about a handful of dried-out, unsightly foot skin, and that’s a very pretty picture, indeed. But the added concept of collecting it so that one can experience the crazy joy of seeing all this skin before throwing it away—that’s the manifestation of a true marketing genius.

Another fabulous feature of this commercial is the use of the old “delicate enough not to pop this balloon” bit. Balloons approximate human skin in American advertising, much like blue water approximates anything which might soil a diaper or a maxi pad, and knives cutting tomatoes approximate extreme sharpness. I don’t know about you, but when I see a product being demonstrated on a balloon, I’m sold, solidly.

Time for more toast

I had no idea the market for toast-related products existed, although I can certainly see the need fulfillment going on here. Inflatable toast was just the tip of the iceberg, and as you can see, it’s clearly toast:fifty-five.
















I love the punny good humor of toasted post-its! Much more fun than those dull yellow squares.


















And speaking of fun, how about playing games with real toast? We all love playing with our food, but food that’s intended for play brings something extra to the table. (Note my special new silver jelly knife!)




















The comfort of toast is welcome on the rare occasion when I part with cash. My toast wallet reminds me not to spend all my bread, because I know where it’s buttered. It also hints that I might want some toast when I get home.
















Aww, isn’t this just precious. Imagine someone bringing you a piece of sentimental, heartsick toast. I think this should be a companion piece.















Because if you also get the heart-shaped egg mold, your love overfloweth.

















You can probably make this toast pay for itself, if you travel around enough and sell only one or two in each county, because how frequently is a sucker born?
















When this product and its intended fan base intersect, the joy is boundless. Popular in the Tampa Bay and Pittsburgh areas, and among many members of the CEO set.

Stylishly inside the lines

Draw your own conclusions, think outside the box, and color your world (in 24 shades, included!) with the crayon apron. Now you can showcase your inner artist and retain a semblance of style that would make Mrs. Cleaver proud. The crayons enjoy their freedom while you create waxy masterpieces without being slowed or hampered by anything but your imagination.

Utter coolness

Nothing says summer weekend like a big blowout party and mine’s tonight! The theme is winter in summer. I’ve set up a sprinkler, a kiddie pool and one of the old, original Slip-n-Slides in my kitchen, and some dry ice, just for effect. (might also be a good time to pull out my FX-A fog machine!) Man, I can’t wait!












I’ve also got the insta-snow powder – it’s going to take forever to clean up, but my entire living room will be transformed into a winter wonderland.

The drinks are going to be really fun, too.



















I’ve got Titanic ice molds, for making “gin and titonics.” Someone’s going to say “You sank my battleship!” before the night’s over, and I plan to laugh as though I’d never thought of it before, because I’m a good hostess that way. Besides, I’ll be pretty far gone by then.




















Couldn’t resist the skull & crossbones ice. Arrrr, matey. If you have friends who like Captain Morgan, they’re going to love these ice cubes. But I’ve forbidden my guests from wearing puffy shirts. Not cool.




















I can’t wait to try the newest addition to my collection, cool jazz ice cubes with reusable handles which do double duty as drink stirrers. But if I catch one person putting these in his/her mouth, that person is going to be asked to leave. Also not cool.



















I think I found these ice cube molds at a yard sale. The ice looks like fruit wedges and comes with a built-in reusable straw. If you pour lemonade or orange juice in them, they’re a little more fun, but this one’s for the sissies and sangria drinkers in the crowd, the people who don’t tend to mind the concept of reusable straws, and for when all the other cool ice has been used up. Always have a back-up plan when you’re hosting a party! (good words to live by)















I’m also the proud owner of dental ice molds—got 'em a long time ago. If you have friends with dentures, ask them to take their teeth out and see how long they can use these—the resulting facial expressions are gut-bustingly funny. Plus, they really keep a drink chilled, and if the teeth break off it’s that much more fun. Sometimes I put a kernel of corn or a black bean or a little piece of pickle in one of the front teeth holes while I’m making the ice. My guests always sit up and take notice! Tonight the game’s gonna be: first one to get a vegetable in his/her mouth gets to be first in line for the















ice luge! Simply apply your mouth to the ice (careful; don’t get stuck!), pour the alcoholic beverage of your choice down the chutes, and the short-lived fun really kicks into high gear. I usually save this for the last hour or two of the party.








Please note, saying yum while using ice luge is optional. You can just think it silently to yourself.

Hope you plan to attend. As Alan Thicke says, the fun starts when you get here!

Say what?

Don’t be a fream! Instead of all that faffing with your spank bank, you could be revving up your verbal skills by taking a cue from the past. Everyone’s continually trying to out-cool each other with newer slang, tossing out words like skeen and phrases like off da chain, then reverting to even newer words almost immediately because slang’s no longer serving its purpose when the even the mompants have got it crabbed. It’s so much more tight to be in orbit, aware of bygone phrases with little relevance in today’s world, particularly if you’re too young to have possibly encountered these words in your own life. So get your jets ready, gather up your nuggets and berries, even if you don’t have the bees, and check these flashcards. Soon people will know you’re on the stick, and then think of how radioactive you’ll be! Everywhere you go it’ll be, like, Antsville, but you’ll breeze off and dust out in your bucket for a night of backseat bingo with your bim. Just close your head and buy these really darb flashcards, and you, too, can know your onions. It’ll be like eggs in the coffee; you’ll pick this stuff up in no time, and that’ll put some spizzerinctum in your life.