Oil change

Nothing like spending a little time with family to deplete any supply of inner peace you’ve managed to store up. The greatest thing about my family these days is the overwhelming relief and gratitude I feel when I’m occupying my own slice of reality instead of theirs. This year’s trip was particularly unpleasant, resulting in my breaking out the


















hate & havoc oil, which has several aliases: hurt & harm, hex & hell, hogtie & hospitalize, hostile & horrid, and various other potent combinations of H words. It’ll get you through the hideous hindrance, the heartless histrionics, the hazardous horseshit, and many additional aspects of family life that you blissfully allow yourself to forget about most of the time. The product can be diluted, but for most efficacious results, dab a drop or two directly upon your opponent when he or she is not looking. Specially formulated to vibrate towards a specific purpose, the oil does its stuff in no time. By the end of the vacation, my bottle was empty, and my sister looked extremely glossy. My dad was also sporting a rather greasy sheen. Maybe next year we’ll all take a pass on holiday togetherness.