Synthesizer

When you’ve become bored with your Elvis sideburns and need another accessory to go with your chest wig, or your mullet cap, Cowboy Boot Sideburns come to the rescue. There’s something deeply, deeply intriguing about the kind of man who enjoys specially shaped facial hair.




















Facial hair kits that contain soul patches are the coolest. This one looks great with a tux.




















Or you could go for the more professional Theatrical Hair Disguise, made of 100% human hair. See how many looks you can create with just these two strips? That’s the magic of theater!


















The impressive four-way Character Costume Kit transforms you into the man of 1,000 faces, practically. But note: it’s quite difficult to make the eyebrows arch, as shown in the moustache illustration. One must have finely trained facial muscles to perform that kind of feat.




















You can also try to track down one of these historical toys, and truly be the man of 1,000 faces, at least as long as your head is approximately the same size as Hugo’s. It takes the concept to an entirely different level, and isn’t for everyone.

















We suggest starting with these ultra-realistic muttonchop sideburns, which are selling like hotcakes. Then just see where that leads you. Some may find them a little too realistic, but is there anyone who doesn’t want to look like this at least once, and if so, why? C’mon, break out of the mold for once and make your hairdo a dare-do.

Keeping it clean, part 3

Sells itself, doesn’t it? Except possibly for the small caution at the bottom of the package mentioning what to do in case the product ever gets stuck. Regardless, over 95% of men who receive Weener Kleener soap as a gift buy themselves a replacement bar within three weeks. Meanwhile, women endure the drudgery of soap that’s not designed for our pleasure. But at least we don’t have to soak in cold water because we’re adhered to our insipid soap. We secretly laugh at our men when we catch them doing the cold soap soak, but boys will be boys.

Chew on this

Just got back from my first-ever trip to Europe, and I was so glad I’d brought a variety pack of transformational chewing gum with me (don’t think I forgot my breath sprays either). First stop was Edinburgh, and as I was out walking and admiring the sights, someone tried to pick my pocket. Thinking quickly, I popped a piece of Angry Scotsman gum in my mouth and within seconds I was furious and able to express myself in a torrent of brogue the likes of which that town may never hear again. I then gave that pickpocket the trouncing of a lifetime.















Then I spent a little time on the French Riviera, which was lush and lovely, but the humidity was doing a real number on my hair. “When you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em,” I thought, as I took out a piece of Instant Afro gum. Minutes later my hair was a tight mass of curls, and with just a spritz of hair spray I headed for the beach. The style held for hours, even after swimming.















All too soon it was time for a quick trip to England, where I had tickets for a show at the Globe Theatre, followed by an evening at a local pub. When the crowd started getting pushy and rowdy, I inserted a piece of Shakespearean Insult gum into my mouth and began to spout some of the most erudite and intricate insults I’ve ever uttered. “Thou odiferous scurvy-valiant strumpet!” I chided the barmaid when she was slow with a refill. And when a drunk guy bumped into me, I yelled out, “Thou beslubbering toad-spotted scullion!” “Thou villainous hedge-born malt-worm!” I said to the bouncer as he tossed me into the street.















It was just as well that I left that particular bar, because at the next place I went to someone slipped me a stick of You Have a Great Ass gum, and I shimmied the night away, or at least long enough to pose for several photos that I found in my digital camera. The rest of the evening’s a blur.















When I woke up the next morning, my Jewish Mother gum gave me a huge guilt trip. “You should be so lucky, taking trips to Europe! You’re killing me with these late nights! You got schmootz all over your face. Like a drunken bum on the street, this girl. Oy, and you smell like the bottom of a dirty ashtray.” Talk about a buzzkill. I ditched her at my earliest opportunity and enjoyed the rest of the trip.

So now I’m back home, missing the pizzazz and panache of my world travels and the gum that heightened so much of the trip. I’ve ordered this:





















which I hope will help re-create some beautiful memories. Who knew gum was made of guinea pig pellets, melted condoms, a big bag of cocaine, and peppermint flavoring? No wonder my ass looked so good.

Detecting devices

Hey, a portable lie detector! You’ve always had vague suspicions about how many people are lying to you on a daily basis, but with the De-fib-ulator you’ll soon learn (with 65% accuracy) that virtually everyone you encounter is lying to you. Better yet, the device hooks up to a cell phone, enabling one to detect even remote lies. All your suspicions will prove true, and most users report heightened misanthropy and chronic inability to trust others within days of receipt.

Next time your spouse calls to say, “I’m working late,” or your daughter says she’s going to the movies with her best friend, you’ll know better. You won’t know the truth, but you’ll know you’re being lied to. The machine uses a clever Demonochio figure whose nose grows in proportion to lie size, so you can even distinguish between white lies and outright whoppers.




















Another useful modern detecting device, the Multi-Tector identifies personality types, allowing you to learn which of your friends are dorks, which ones suck, who are the geniuses, idiots, liars, and crazies. Don’t be surprised if a few of your friends turn out to have multiple personalities. Never aim this device at yourself. And keep it away from the portable lie detector, who insists that the Multi-tector has a chronic inability to tell the truth.




















There’s even a God detector on the market. The Yo-God detector allows one to ask God for a sign, and if the arrow moves, well, there you have it! No, it’s not a compass, but it might point you in the right direction.






















Finally, we have the T2 Metal Detector, capable of locating coins buried up to 15 inches underground, and any jewelry, belt buckles or fillings on a body buried up to 3 feet. Whatever it is, wherever it lies, if it’s metal, you’ll be detecting it in no time, breezing by the guys at the beach with their wimpy old-fashioned metal detectors, laughing while they waste time digging up pop tops and metallic rocks while you go straight for the real treasure, as displayed on your spiffy LCD display.

It’s time to stop walking around in ignorant, unaware mode! Some people are wearing t-shirts that can detect wi-fi, breathing into private breathalyzers to detect their level of drunkenness and using love detectors on their phones to determine who really cares. Don’t remain in the dark days of radar and smoke detectors. Get with the program and back on top of your detecting. You’ll be glad you did.

Why lettuce entertain you?

Freak shows aren’t very popular in today’s PC world, but there was a time in the not too distant past when we could all feel a little better about ourselves via self-comparison with the aberrant members of society. That kind of vicarious pleasure can still be had, albeit in a diminished, plasticized way, with these Lil’ Sideshow action figures (the action is pretty much kept to a minimum, so maybe just calling them figures will do). Frog girl and Lobster boy are here for your pleasure and enjoyment, but even the manufacturer seems to question the concept. Why, indeed?




















Ditto Bertha, the bearded lady who also happens to be grotesquely overweight, but refuses to be billed as such. Truth is, studies show most kids relate to her more than they do Barbie, but she still gets a (big fat) why?





















Yet there’s no reason to question the strong man, no why? on his platform background. He’s a member of the show, & collects his paycheck like all the rest of ‘em, but he certainly does not consider himself a freak, so be careful what you say when he’s within earshot. (His barbells are removable, so if you have any objects in your house with similar dimensions, the strong man can appear to hold them aloft, which is mighty compelling.)

Instead of why, my question for the strong man is: does he have an extra set of mini-arms that spring from his biceps and hoist their own set of barbells, or is he standing in front of a strangely-angled mirror?