Hey, a portable lie detector! You’ve always had vague suspicions about how many people are lying to you on a daily basis, but with the De-fib-ulator you’ll soon learn (with 65% accuracy) that virtually everyone you encounter is lying to you. Better yet, the device hooks up to a cell phone, enabling one to detect even remote lies. All your suspicions will prove true, and most users report heightened misanthropy and chronic inability to trust others within days of receipt.
Next time your spouse calls to say, “I’m working late,” or your daughter says she’s going to the movies with her best friend, you’ll know better. You won’t know the truth, but you’ll know you’re being lied to. The machine uses a clever Demonochio figure whose nose grows in proportion to lie size, so you can even distinguish between white lies and outright whoppers.
Another useful modern detecting device, the Multi-Tector identifies personality types, allowing you to learn which of your friends are dorks, which ones suck, who are the geniuses, idiots, liars, and crazies. Don’t be surprised if a few of your friends turn out to have multiple personalities. Never aim this device at yourself. And keep it away from the portable lie detector, who insists that the Multi-tector has a chronic inability to tell the truth.
There’s even a God detector on the market. The Yo-God detector allows one to ask God for a sign, and if the arrow moves, well, there you have it! No, it’s not a compass, but it might point you in the right direction.
Finally, we have the T2 Metal Detector, capable of locating coins buried up to 15 inches underground, and any jewelry, belt buckles or fillings on a body buried up to 3 feet. Whatever it is, wherever it lies, if it’s metal, you’ll be detecting it in no time, breezing by the guys at the beach with their wimpy old-fashioned metal detectors, laughing while they waste time digging up pop tops and metallic rocks while you go straight for the real treasure, as displayed on your spiffy LCD display.
It’s time to stop walking around in ignorant, unaware mode! Some people are wearing t-shirts that can detect wi-fi, breathing into private breathalyzers to detect their level of drunkenness and using love detectors on their phones to determine who really cares. Don’t remain in the dark days of radar and smoke detectors. Get with the program and back on top of your detecting. You’ll be glad you did.
