Just got back from my first-ever trip to Europe, and I was so glad I’d brought a variety pack of transformational chewing gum with me (don’t think I forgot my breath sprays either). First stop was Edinburgh, and as I was out walking and admiring the sights, someone tried to pick my pocket. Thinking quickly, I popped a piece of Angry Scotsman gum in my mouth and within seconds I was furious and able to express myself in a torrent of brogue the likes of which that town may never hear again. I then gave that pickpocket the trouncing of a lifetime.
Then I spent a little time on the French Riviera, which was lush and lovely, but the humidity was doing a real number on my hair. “When you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em,” I thought, as I took out a piece of Instant Afro gum. Minutes later my hair was a tight mass of curls, and with just a spritz of hair spray I headed for the beach. The style held for hours, even after swimming.
All too soon it was time for a quick trip to England, where I had tickets for a show at the Globe Theatre, followed by an evening at a local pub. When the crowd started getting pushy and rowdy, I inserted a piece of Shakespearean Insult gum into my mouth and began to spout some of the most erudite and intricate insults I’ve ever uttered. “Thou odiferous scurvy-valiant strumpet!” I chided the barmaid when she was slow with a refill. And when a drunk guy bumped into me, I yelled out, “Thou beslubbering toad-spotted scullion!” “Thou villainous hedge-born malt-worm!” I said to the bouncer as he tossed me into the street.
It was just as well that I left that particular bar, because at the next place I went to someone slipped me a stick of You Have a Great Ass gum, and I shimmied the night away, or at least long enough to pose for several photos that I found in my digital camera. The rest of the evening’s a blur.
When I woke up the next morning, my Jewish Mother gum gave me a huge guilt trip. “You should be so lucky, taking trips to Europe! You’re killing me with these late nights! You got schmootz all over your face. Like a drunken bum on the street, this girl. Oy, and you smell like the bottom of a dirty ashtray.” Talk about a buzzkill. I ditched her at my earliest opportunity and enjoyed the rest of the trip.
So now I’m back home, missing the pizzazz and panache of my world travels and the gum that heightened so much of the trip. I’ve ordered this:
which I hope will help re-create some beautiful memories. Who knew gum was made of guinea pig pellets, melted condoms, a big bag of cocaine, and peppermint flavoring? No wonder my ass looked so good.
