Clearly, one can’t celebrate a chest be-wigged birthday and forego these Elvis shades with built-in ‘burns. But be careful, tiger! The combination of this much sexy fake hair and real imitation gold may cause a cat fight or two! You’ll know you’ve arrived when you’re walkin’ tall and sporting these bad boys. Call now and we’ll also throw in three sets (a lifetime supply, if handled properly) of our nostril special, which gives the illusion of uncut nose hairs dangling just inches from your sneering upper lip. Warning: not to be used in tandem with flammable cologne, polyester clothing or puka shell necklaces. Frowned upon in Maine and Vermont.
What I want to know: are the sideburns kind of adhesive, or do they flap like dog ears?
