Up yours

Here’s a “power packaged combination” of ingredients that will give your energy level, and probably your heart rate, a happy little push in the right direction. Apparently that direction also involves increased gas. But when you stop and think about it, isn’t that the side effect of oh, so many of life’s little enhancers and boosters? Sometimes you have to rob Peter to pay Paul, and it’ll all be worth it when you feel this newfound energy coursing through your bubbly bod. The ad copy claims that once you try Up Your Gas you’ll know how it got its crazy name. Then they tack on a compelling phrase: “So the next time you feel yourself running…” And we all know where you’re running; the gassy build-up has left no doubt in anyone’s mind.

Balmy days and tropical nights

It’s that wonderful time of year when nature’s forces and our attempts to combat them result in painfully dry, cracked skin and unpleasantly chapped lips. And for some folks the situation will remain unchanged for months to come. Forget the lip protection you grew up with, be it Chapstick, Carmex, or Bonne Bell Lip Smackers, and try something designed for today’s chapping.




















Ultra white trash lip balm, for instance, comes in cream filling flavor and claims to be reminiscent of last night’s dinner. I guess that’s if you had cream filling for dinner. Mmm.

Or, since you’re not a spring chicken any more (apologies to any spring chickens out there), why not kill two birds with one lip product and try





















menopause lip balm. It works on PMS too; females of many ages can smooth their lips and their inner realms with this wonderful product. Apply and re-apply, and you can make this the first chap-free winter of your life. Remember to keep resisting that urge to lick your lips.

Why I'm recession-proof

When I tell people I’m worried about my financial situation, I’m really just saying that to make them feel more at ease—commiseration is one of my strong points. Truth be told, I’m completely unburdened by any monetary worries because since about fifth grade I’ve been the proud owner of a magic money card. I thought they’d been taken off the market in the late ‘70s, but I stand corrected. (I should’ve known; I’m rarely one of the lucky few, but frequently one of the arbitrary many.)

For a very reasonable price you can now receive two of them (why do we always need the extra?). On the reverse, you may find the imprint of what appears to be a regular playing card—tell people to ignore that side. You are not carrying around a three of hearts; it’s a magic money card whose most important aspect is the infinity rainbow logo, which keeps that positive cash flowing with a groovy, never-ending vibe. At least that’s what I was told when I purchased mine.

Packaging is everything

Say hello to the Marie Osmond Summer Sunshine Porcelain Doll. She’s 10 inches of seated perfection, but it’s hard to tell when you first see her.






















She looks mighty uncomfortable in her striped pink box, swaddled in plastic, cradled by cardboard, arms nowhere in sight, suffering the humiliation of what must be a summer sunshine costume that seems to surround her face with bi-colored felt sunrays. One of a limited edition of only 2,500, the doll “has been handcrafted with the special attention to detail that is the hallmark of all Marie Osmond dolls. She is hallmarked on the back of her neck with Marie's signature and is hand numbered.” Extra points awarded for using the word hallmark in two consecutive sentences. Truly, the amount of time, effort, thought and planning that have clearly gone into this product are unparalleled. Kudos to you, Marie; congrats on the weight loss as well.

Now, let's work on this.

Even if nobody else sings along

Check out Mr. Happy Hand: he got a Groove Glove for Christmas and hasn’t stopped playing with it yet. It’s hard to blame him. This product delivers months of fun, at minimum. It’s a little DJ deck complete with four sound controls (one per finger), allowing you to add your own scratches, riffs, and samples to all your favorite songs. Just imagine the delight of everyone around you, as you serenade the world with music done your way.

With your other hand, reach into your pocket and pull out your Stylophone. It’s a mini electronic organ (guys, we know: you’ve already got an organ in there) from the late ‘60s, revamped for today’s needs. You’re a veritable one-man band, and we haven’t even involved your legs yet. Stylophones are capable of adding that sweet midi-like slice of wonderful-ness to any tune. Everyone enjoys its dulcet tones, which take many of us back to simpler times involving church, malls and game shows. Forget mp3 players and make your own kind of music.

Stylin'

Do you have today off? Much to my displeasure, I do not, which kind of negates the concept of a national holiday and starts the week on a bit of a blue note. But after spending much of the weekend playing with my new board game, Lifestyles of the Poor and Disgusting, I almost relish the idea of earning a few bucks. There are no champagne wishes or caviar dreams here; it’s a harsh introduction to the lifestyle many of us have been enjoying for quite some time. Players vie for food, shelter, clothing and the ever-coveted transportation while trying not to become depressed or anxious by their overdue bill notices and lack of ability to feed themselves. Manufacturer suggests optional use as a drinking game. One can even make arrangements for Robin Leach to come and narrate a few rounds; his cell phone number is included at no extra charge.

Playing the spoons

I grew up in a monetarily-deprived household but was blissfully unaware of it because kids will play with anything if they’re not too commercially exposed (this may no longer be humanly possible). We always seemed to have an endless variety of activities, games and toys, and not just the standard stuff. For instance, we had hours of fun in the basement pretending a fold-out ironing board was a pommel horse and doing “gymnastics.” I didn’t realize at the time how frequently we managed to get double duty out of things that weren’t intended for play, but when I think back, I realize we made toys out of everything.

I’m sure if these wooden spoon puppets had been on the market back then, we’d have owned a set. Hell, we probably would gleefully have played with undecorated wooden spoons, much less ones with necklaces and moustaches. Soon you’ll find yourself eyeing other kitchen implements and making comparisons. I think my tongs could use a little cardigan, and my spatulas might look kind of sharp in that shirt/tie combo.

Bird flew

How much would you pay for two ounces of bona fide bird flu? Okay, maybe not 100% bona fide, but it’s as close as our labs could get. This tincture/extract makes up for any shortcomings by bringing much more to the table. The concoction features virus, hepatitis, and AIDS/HIV in addition to bird flu. We really tried to get cancer in there, but that kept resulting in a smell that many consumers found off-putting. (Some bottles may contain gout!) Product has clearly not met or exceeded FDA standards, as if that ever prevents anything salable from hitting the market. And when you’ve got a fiery and potent blend like this little filly of a flu, only a drop or two will be necessary. For extra gossip and mayhem, place a bottle on your desk at work then call in sick the next day.

A little more off the top

Now there are no excuses for not having perfectly trimmed nails at all times. The Press-On One-Handed Nail Clipper makes clipping so easy, you can do the job with one hand tied behind your back. Simply place your finger in the guillotine/cutting zone, and press gently. Be forewarned: thumbs are tricky. And don’t even try your big toenail; the machine doesn’t have quite enough torque for that. Nail clippings go flying pell-mell throughout the room; you and your guests will be finding them for months to come. The clipper makes a satisfying little clicky sound, which indicates that it's working. The whole family will want to give it a try. Best of all, because there’s no way to adjust the cutting blade’s shape or proportions, all your nails will finally be identical. Sort of. You’ll see!

Eyebrow club

I couldn’t be happier that it’s Friday; this was my first full week at a new job, and I’m clock-watching like a fiend, waiting for that damn big hand to get to 12 so I can go home and forget all the stuff I’ve been learning. Because, as we all know, one doesn’t simply start a new job; there’s an entire cultural immersion that goes on, and I’m drowning over here.

This is about what I look like now, if you turn up the manic volume a few levels. Oh, right, and I actually have individual teeth, but other than that, me & the youthful Nanette Fabray here are practically twins. She’s my newest mouse pad, and she’ll probably never make it to work, except in spirit.

While I was at Ye Olde Office Supply Shoppe, I couldn’t resist Blondie. Look at those crazed eyes. It’s like she’s daring you to mess with her plaid world, and really hoping you take her up on that dare. When and if you encounter someone with this facial expression in the real world, do not engage.

Unable to stop myself, I bought her a companion, another one-toothed archly browed wonder woman. I think she was the heroine of several books I read as a child, but by now she’s got everything figured out.

And check it out! Needless to say, I had to buy this one. It’s definitely going to the jobsite, because right now I’m mousing over an ad for an erectile dysfunction medication. I don’t even want to think about where it’s been.

Rose, Inc.

A rose is a rose is…some black and gray goose feathers, in this instance. It’s also a tickler. The ad copy additionally states that it’s very ticklish, but divulging that weakness was a mistake, so don’t try anything. The rose tickles you; you do not tickle the rose.

Its manufacturers assure potential purchasers that this is the simulation of a rosebud before it blooms, as opposed to being one of those post-bloom rosebuds. Best of all, they admit that black roses do not exist in nature, yet claim that black roses are incorporated in the literary realm as well as the real world. It’s always that way once you become a business entity. Unlike regular roses, those that have incorporated truly do exist in the real world even if not in nature; it’s a special loophole of incorporation laws that’s fallen into disuse of late.

Girl talk

Next time you feel like calling Paris Hilton or Meret Oppenheim, or are just in one of those twirly-girly semi-surly moods that seem to demand long gossipy chats and lots of posturing in front of a mirror, grab your Southern Telecom fur phone, some comfy slippers and a box of bon-bons, and take a ride on the indulgence train. This is the phone you want to be using when you tell your best friend all the juicy details. Lovingly bedazzled with at least three distinct sizes of jewels—no rhinestones or Swarovski crystals here; these are actual gems—the phone also features ultra-modern conveniences such as call waiting and one touch redial while maintaining a retro look and feel by dint of not being cordless or cellular. Maybe your technology isn’t up to date, but at least it has a fabulosity all its own, and no one can take that away.

Wanda good year?

It’s always fun to start out a new year hoping things are going to be different in a better sort of way. For at least a week we’re usually full of resolutions and aspirations, welcoming positive change and temporarily sloughing off bad habits. Making it all a little easier is the good karma medium wand (karma is no longer good in large wand formats). The wand influences certain planets in thrilling and unknown ways, creating a “positive bubble” around the wearer. (Instructions on the proper wearing techniques for wands not included.)

The manufacturer also sells acceptance wands, courage wands and attraction wands in the standard medium size. The clarity, confidence and communication wands, on the other hand, can be purchased in large sizes. Fearlessness and forgiveness are also available in large, whereas the happiness, hope, inner peace and letting go wands don’t come in anything larger than medium. But they're the experts, these wand makers, and they know without the slightest doubt how much of these qualities to impart upon their products. So, for 2009, we’re going with the medium amount of good karma and a large side of fearlessness and hoping for the best.

Oil change

Nothing like spending a little time with family to deplete any supply of inner peace you’ve managed to store up. The greatest thing about my family these days is the overwhelming relief and gratitude I feel when I’m occupying my own slice of reality instead of theirs. This year’s trip was particularly unpleasant, resulting in my breaking out the


















hate & havoc oil, which has several aliases: hurt & harm, hex & hell, hogtie & hospitalize, hostile & horrid, and various other potent combinations of H words. It’ll get you through the hideous hindrance, the heartless histrionics, the hazardous horseshit, and many additional aspects of family life that you blissfully allow yourself to forget about most of the time. The product can be diluted, but for most efficacious results, dab a drop or two directly upon your opponent when he or she is not looking. Specially formulated to vibrate towards a specific purpose, the oil does its stuff in no time. By the end of the vacation, my bottle was empty, and my sister looked extremely glossy. My dad was also sporting a rather greasy sheen. Maybe next year we’ll all take a pass on holiday togetherness.