Be a stacker, not a slacker

Sick of all those tiny hairs you keep finding everywhere (and we mean the ones not attached to your body)? We’re talking about loose hairs, the ones that float through the air, settle on the bathroom floor, cling to contrasting colored clothing, fall into food during cooking, and generally disgust and annoy. Do you have a pet? We’re also talking about its hair, which is probably embedded in every soft surface of your home, and using static electricity as a means of clinging to even the slippery spots. This can all be just a dim memory via purchase of the Dr. Slick Small Hair Stacker. Within days you’ll have mastered the art of hair stacking. Product comes with a cork lined bottom to dampen the sound of the process, which involves tamping the hair down and sometimes bending it. When you’re done playing with your hair, you can tie it into fishing flies and sell them to old men at flea markets. Stop sweeping and start stacking your way to a lucrative hobby and a cleaner way of life.

Goof proof

Once upon a time there was a bagua, or ba gua, whose yin yang design was so flawless that it was criticized for being too perfect and complete. That unfortunate bagua was eventually deserted for its younger and more attractive sibling (seen here), the bagua of perfection. Trace amounts of perfection have been removed from this bagua to intensify its perfect qualities. Most agree with the ad copy: this is your run-of-the-mill ba gua. If you look closely you’ll see why; the tiny lapses from perfection become increasingly obvious over time.

One is warned to refrain from hanging the bagua inside the home. This is not a decorative object, it’s a feng shui tool used to deflect feng shui errors, which unfortunately can and do occur. When your feng shui backfires the bagua of perfection will take over, sorting everything out in its run-of-the-mill fashion. Some semblance of normalcy will eventually prevail.

Movin' ahead so life won't pass me by

Nine-tenths of yesterday’s overeaters got up today feeling flabby and sluggish, vowing to change their habits. Some of them even think they’ll manage to look good by Christmas. You, too, can dream loftily and set unattainable goals when you become a computer athlete. This is a universal adapter kit for your computer, which comes in the form of a CD-ROM. Basically, you can choose which path to go down then place your exercise equipment (sold separately and by another manufacturer) in front of your computer and watch the path unfold. This is actually not the ultimate in fitness; it’s the penultimate, but in advertisements we’re allowed to exaggerate; that’s the American way.

Because CD-ROMs fit all exercise equipment, you’ll find it easy to become a computer athlete. In fact, you can actually opt to forego all exercise equipment and simply stand in front of the computer marching in place—this equipment is so refined, it even adapts to your body! And wait until you see how complete the kit is. We’ve included all the extras, such as a plastic screw, a Velcro strip, a reflector, and two base stands. Sit in your living room and work out as though you were out on the slopes or the track or the lake, beckons the ad copy. Don’t just contemplate being a computer athlete—live the dream.

Giving thanks

We’re having Thanksgiving dinner at Mom’s, a family tradition upon which she insists. It’s her favorite holiday and she pulls out all the stops.




















The kitchen table invariably features the corn pilgrim figure set, with their happy faces and foody offerings. My cousin Norman always pretends to pick them up and eat them, and we laugh even though no one thinks it’s funny. We’re polite to each other most of the time, and we’re thankful for that.

This year, because Aunt Mabel’s daughter, Connie, got pregnant, the corn pilgrims will be sharing the table with





















the fall Thanksgiving diaper turkey…it’s a fake cake made of diapers because she’s due in a couple weeks and her friends didn’t give her a baby shower. We’re a “kill two birds with one stone” kind of family, and everyone’s grateful and filled with thanks as a result.

When we sit down to dinner, Uncle Chas always has to make a crack about Mom’s





















turkey chair covers. He’s jealous because he didn’t marry the crafty sister, Mom says. And when Chas leaves the room she tells a story about the time he lost his job for being a drunk. We’re the sort of family that talks behind each other’s backs when we think no one’s listening, which fills us all with a warm thankful sensation.


















We eat our meal from Mom’s We are blessed beyond measure plates. Personally, I’ve never been a fan, but because these belonged to Grandma, all Mom’s siblings get cranky and argue that they should each have gotten one. Happens every year. We’re one of those “don’t hold anything back” families; we’re very thankful about that.




















Mom even has a Thanksgiving themed toilet seat cover. What can I say? I told you it’s her favorite holiday. But she only has one bathroom, so we take turns yelling “hurry up!” Actually, this is the best feature of Thanksgiving at Mom’s, because usually after the meal ends and the bathroom line-up begins, people start realizing it’s time to go home, and we’re all very, very thankful at that point.

A touch of elegance

Ta-da! It’s…a pair of carefully staged elegant drinking glass(es). The stark contrast between the inelegant wooden crate, the dated photograph and the harsh lighting only heightens the classy culture of the glass(es), whose many facets twinkle with chic and stylish grace. All beverages are improved by contact with the glass(es); ice cubes and carbonated beverages optimize the fizzy refinement. Because it’s a holiday week and we truly care about each and every one of you, the wooden crate is actually included, at least for a limited time. If you think these glasses looked good on November 1st at 16:04, wait until you see them at your place in the upcoming months.

Oh, what a relief it is

With Thanksgiving right around the corner and the rest of the long-winded holiday season already chomping at the bit, your social schedule’s probably about to pick up whether or not you want it to. All those cocktail and office parties, family get-togethers, that dinner you probably owe your friends and have been postponing for months…so many occasions seem to arise in the feverish countdown to year’s end. You may find yourself excited at this prospect, but the truth is that most of us are at least mildly stressed out by the idea of spending even short periods of time with those we instinctively and purposefully avoid.

Unfortunately, our social mores get very insistent in these next few weeks; besides, you probably want to get all these parties and gatherings out of the way, allowing you to start the year with a tabula rasa, devoid of social responsibilities, plans and obligations. If this is the case, try one or two SocialFear Relief pills. They’ll enable you to make appropriate small talk, enter a crowded room with ease, even walk up to complete strangers and strike up scintillating conversations. You might be the life of the party, who knows? The relief is only temporary, but luckily so’s the season. Gift wrapping not available because we know you’re buying this for yourself.

Inspector detector

The patented instrument metal detector detects instruments as well as metal (simultaneously!), and is applicable in almost any setting, so let your imagination run wild. Before discarding, packaging, mailing, or utilizing your instrument, allow it to fall through the instrument detector, and you’ll be instantly alerted that something metal has passed through the opening. Takes all the guesswork out of this bothersome process—at last. Don’t throw away perfectly useful instruments, or allow yourself any metallic uncertainties. A digital counter records each and every detection occurrence, so you won’t even have to do the math. Hamper stand and optional legs not included. Operates in AC or DC mode…we know, what a boon!

Either/or

The très femme tampon or cigar case…because if it isn’t one thing, it’s another. There are tampon days, and then there are cigar days, but for most of us, the twain shall never meet, or the overlap is very infrequent. Besides, as the ad copy indisputably verifies: tampon and cigar holders have never been so beautiful, so elegant. Having never before encountered a device designed for both tampons and cigars, we’ll simply agree without making any Monica Lewinsky jokes.

Astro-tastic/Memory Lane #6

There was a time when all a toy had to do to be cool/fun was sound as though it had something to do with outer space. We were convinced that we’d grow up to be astronauts because by the time we got out of the jet age, we’d all be doing our share of interplanetary traveling. Everyone knew that. It was going to be really cool.

Astro Launch was a much-loved game. You’d pull your little knob to pop the die, and if you rolled a lucky number you could take a short cut across the cosmos.


















Then there was Astrolite (yes, from the fun folks who brought us Lite Brite), which allowed us to build glowing futuristic cities. And if you spun the wheel, color came out to play. Who didn’t enjoy that?

The beloved Astroray gun, with its spark and friction power, not to mention an ultra-modern triangular box, was the favorite toy of millions. Who knew what kind of giant shuttlecocks might be racing around the galaxy? Plus, cats hated it, which provided many additional hours of astral enjoyment.

Have a fashionable weekend

The days may be shorter and colder, but you and the dog still need exercise. So put on your coats and hit the streets. The fact that most dogs come equipped with fully functional coats shouldn’t dissuade you, because the real purpose of the quilted weekend coat is dog humiliation. Don’t do this to your best friend!

Depending upon climate and breed, dogs may consider coat-wearing on very rare occasions. They do not, however, need contrasting gingham lining, button details, or this strange biblike variation of the Peter Pan collar. If you’re going to buy your dog a coat, please try for something a little more stylish.

Like this. Show the world your dog’s as cool as you are.

This is also quite acceptable for most self-respecting canines.

Whereas this is another no-no.

And this? We’ll let you be the judge.

Gnarly, dude

Life’s so fast-paced and demanding, it’s incredible that we all accomplish as much as we do. Give yourself a pat on the back. Staying on top of everything 100% of the time is an impossibility; something’s got to give, and every once in a while that something is hygiene.

No finger pointing or name calling, because you know it’s happened to you at least once—that day when you've had to go out in public knowing you’re not at the top of your game, or worse, quite near the bottom of your barrel. Try to maintain as much space as possible between your body and everyone else’s on these occasions. And hide that unwashed hair with the Quiksilver greasy flexfit hat. Yep, it comes pre-greased to hide your shame. Some companies think of everything.

No more night fright

“Honey, wake up. I think I hear a burglar!”

“Waughhh…whu…whunh?”

“I think someone’s breaking into the house! Wake up.”

“Mmmmmfffff. You’re always hearing something. There’s no one in the house.”

“I’ll go see for myself. Where’s the flashlight?”

“I don’t know; I’m the man. You’re the one who knows where everything’s supposed to be.”

“Right.” (gets flashlight)

(click)

Calming sound of running streams heading for the ocean…

(click)

Relaxing ocean wave noises…

(click)

Tranquil rain in a very placid tropical forest—as opposed to agitated rain in a busy city…

“What’s with this flashlight? It’s…susurrant…”

“It’s what? Hey, these sounds are making me have to go to the bathroom. Are you going to check on that burglar or do you want me to do it?”

“Zzzzzz.”

Ground control

It’s hard to go out cruising in our scary postmodern world. You have to deal with gas prices, all the crazies out there, and the fact that it’s hard to impress anyone now that practically everyone's driving one of those pimped out vehicles. You’ll probably have much better luck when you hit the streets in your Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank.

Check it out at night. This baby can be driven from a seated or standing position, fully envelops five in an interior that’s cozily lit and decoratively carpeted, has a premium sound system, and a centrifugal clutch. Then there’s the external rust patina—better call Maaco right now, because next year this color’s going to be impossible to obtain. Oh, right…not licensed for use on public roads, and the whopping price tag does not include shipping and handling. It’s going to take a lot of handling to get this to your place. On the other hand, it could become your place with just a few minor alterations.

Tell me now how should I feel?

Got a typical case of the Monday blahs/blues? Ass-dragging through the day that’s supposed to be the most productive of the week (according to the work/productivity ratio used by most, AKA the “trickle down to Friday/everybody’s working for the weekend” method)? The cause might not be easily pinpointed. We thought we just hated our job and co-workers, but then someone noticed that the company had installed















a melancholy chandelier right in the main foyer. Everyone walking beneath it got a severe case of the blues. Productivity and morale were at an all-time low. Something had to be done, and quickly.

The few who have to sit in its immediate proximity got the















contentment computer hutch, keys to the back entrance and their own parking spaces.




















And instead of candy, our receptionist now has a little basket of uplift pills on her desk. Despite their lack of meat, they seem to counteract at least some of the chandelier’s effect. Maybe within a few weeks we’ll have no more blue Mondays.

It's a safe bet

Did you not win the lottery again this year? Or are you considering a trip to Vegas, or to another fun-filled casino mecca? Possibly you owe way too much money to OTB, or just can’t get past that online poker addiction. Whatever your situation, you’re probably thinking that you’ve not been getting enough return on your wagers lately. And you’re right.

Do you want to know what it is that the winners have that you don’t? It’s not skill, a better hand, more money in the first place, or kismet. They’re not relying upon an article of clothing, like a lucky hat, socks or underwear, or any kind of fortune-inducing talisman. What really works is gambler’s lucky soap. That’s right, the deep-down secret to successful betting is cleaning oneself in a manner which produces a sheen of lustrous luckiness in every pore.

Then just dab a little Haitian gambler oil on your luckiest body part, and you’re good to go. With an edge like this, you can stake your fortune on just about anything with assurance. You betcha.

Turn on your heart lights

The plasma heart provides hours of palpitatingly well-lit enjoyment. Battery operated (batteries not included, of course) and/or capable of being used with an ac adaptor (don’t even think about it), the heart lights up wherever you touch it. If you’re not touching it, though, it’s just a tacky little plastic (oh, right, plasmic) heart on a pedestal.

And if you’re a guy who’s afraid of the dark, but way too masculine for the plasma heart, how about Sparkdino? Wind him up, and not only does he walk, but his mouth ejects sparks. Ad copy: Sparkdino!! We adore him!! He'll light up the very cockles of your heart.

Have an estate planning weekend

We know you’re thinking one of two things: 1) but I don’t have an estate and/or 2) that’s not at all how I want to spend my weekend.

Our planned and canned responses to this negativism are 1) good, solid estates are planned, not accidental, and they don’t happen overnight, and 2) us either, but once we got it out of the way, we felt kinda proud of ourselves for a few minutes, before a deep-seated worry about lack of future funds set in. Then we started freaking over when we were going to die, which served as a temporary distraction. Within a few days everything was pretty much back to normal, except for the new nagging dread that something’s going to go drastically wrong. But with that dread comes a smidgeon of inner peace, because at least we’ve done our part to try to keep our assets covered. You’ll enjoy that; inner peace smidgeons are scarce these days.

Besides, it’s not that much like homework. There’s also a CD-ROM for those of you too lazy to read the book. Gather your loved ones around you. Make some popcorn, watch the CD and learn how to protect each other as your lifespans rapidly dwindle. Then fill in the (free!) blank forms, witness each other’s signatures and you’ve got yourself an estate in the works. You’d be surprised at how heartwarming that prospect can be.

Hi-Yo Silver

Saddle up and ride on over to Sunpentown, where exercising’s been elevated into an art form. The Giddyup Core Exerciser comes with a dual motor, allowing it to mimic the motions of a relatively placid horse, which throws you constantly off balance. As you thrash and jerk (both back and forth and up and down), your body’s attempts at self-preservation will be exercising important core muscles, not to mention working on metabolism, circulation, posture and poise.

Best of all, the ad copy states: The most appealing aspect of this Counter-Balance motion is that the user is exercising without really doing anything, as there is no exertion from the user…a 15-minute workout is done effortlessly. Consumer studies repeatedly and consistently prove that where exercise equipment is concerned, effortlessness is a highly coveted quality, and when you climb aboard the Giddyup, you’ll see why. Reins and chaps not included, but enthusiastically and wholeheartedly endorsed/encouraged.

Meat me

The tanky meaty gives, and then gives some more. It’s eight solid ounces of knucklebone packaged in a lovely keepsake bushel basket. There is nothing like ripping into a cuppa beef knuckle; ask your dog, who will assure you that this is one of very few irrefutable truths.

The only drawback, as you may or may not know, is that meaty treats slathered with faux-barbecue sheen (delicious as it may be) leave some major stains on the carpets and rugs. If you care about things like that and still want to get a little something special for yourself or your dog, go au naturel with

porky jerky pumpers. They may appear to be the same color, but this is a natural color, and will stain only the inside of one’s mouth and intestines. This is a real pork heart…tastiness incarnate. Just look at all those tempting flavor-filled nooks and crannies. As much as dogs enjoy tanky meaty, almost nothing gets them going like the seductive scrumptiousness of porky jerky pumpers. You’ll see.

Going out west where they'll appreciate me

Regardless of how much you’ve worked on your interior decorating scheme, you’re sure to tire of it; studies show that most people become vaguely dissatisfied with their immediate surroundings on at least a semi-annual basis, while many of us experience this sensation much more frequently. But who can afford to redecorate every time the “I’m so sick of this” mood strikes? Now you can, with scene setters. Simply affix them to your walls—doesn’t matter how; glue, duct tape, nails—your choice—and voila! Instantaneous room transformation. Giant decorations will amaze you that way.

We decided to go with a Wild West theme until that next mood swing strikes. With the Western Swinging Door and Window scene setters, creating the illusion of a saloon door and a window with a panoramic desert view couldn’t have been easier.

With the Fiesta Cactus scene setters, there’s also the option of having cacti sprouting in the living room. You'll like them so much that you might consider acquiring a second set for outdoor use. That’s right, this is highly durable plastic, and can withstand at least a month of outdoor use if you live in a relatively mild climate where there’s neither precipitation nor wind. The three-dimensional realism is crazy.

We hope you have wainscoting and appreciate the amount of time and thought that go into a cohesive decorating scheme such as this one, because another corner of your house is probably crying out for dancers and mariachi scene setters. You’ll probably name all four of them within weeks. (We call our lady Graciela.) Giant decorations…no matter what you do with them, they’re a great way to go when you’re craving a big, big change.

You can handle it

Oh, those unwieldy plastic bags. Their handles get tangled, or you think you’ve got both handles firmly gripped when you’re really just holding one, or the stupid seams break and everything falls out the bottom. We can’t actually solve that last problem, but two out of three ain’t bad. Now you’ll be able to shop with confidence, knowing you can make it from store to car and from car to house without any hassles, pain or spillage. You can even walk home! The Baggler Winner Shopping Bags Carrier is the perfect size…strong, durable, and capable, with no emotional hang-ups. It’s pain-free to hold onto, unlike plastic bags, which sometimes seem unaware that comfort is an important issue to most consumers. Just thread your bag handles onto the little hooky things and carry on like a pro.

Wanda clean house?

Always dreaded and never fun, house cleaning is still mostly considered women’s work, as much as we’ve tried to share the joy. Lucky for us, the manufacturers of house cleaning products know their audience, and are willing to offer us lots of fun wand products, which we apparently cannot get enough of. Here’s the ultra violet sanitizing wand…ribbed for your sanitization.













Toilet scrubbing can also be wand-tastic. Pretty soon someone clever is going to start calling vacuum cleaner handles wands, opening up a whole new realm.




















Until then, we’re especially fond of this wand. Not only does it squirt soap, but it has a unique sponge head. Ladies, that kind of wand action is sure to bolster your enthusiasm for bringing spotless shiny cleanliness to your humble abode. And, yes, refills are available, and sold separately, as is the custom.

Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag

Here’s a lovely item for those days when the world’s rubbing you the wrong way. Sometimes turning the other cheek simply doesn’t work, and on those occasions, it’s time to unpack the bitch kit. It comes with three notepads – a bitch list, a list labeled “you are such a bitch because,” and the open-ended blank “dear bitch” letter. You also get both a pen and a pin (we’re suppressing a strong desire to discuss possible uses for the pin), some post-it notes, and a booklet of bitchy quotes to get you started. I don’t know about you, but once I unleash my inner bitch (I keep her on a pretty loose rein) I don’t really need any assistance. However, if you’re kind of shy or reluctant to get bitchy, the kit should at least give you a push in the right direction. Once you get started, you’ll get the hang of it in no time.

Have a Barbie-like weekend

Barbie what a weekend isn’t the Barbie you thought you knew, the wild party girl with all the cool stuff. Some weekends she kicks back like a true couch potato. Her hair loses its platinum luster and becomes light brown (she claims it’s light brown, at least). She has a dog, a pet bed and a dog food dish. You probably thought Barbie’s weekends were full of hot dates with Ken, shopping sprees in the Malibu, or wild times in




















the hot tub party bus. But it turns out that even a popular girl like Barbie sometimes just wants to spend a little quiet time with her dog, her
















couch, some junk food, and a cell phone. And that’s not always such a bad weekend, now, is it?

All I need is the air that I breathe

Many people out there are aware that their eating habits do more to deplete their health than promote it, so they choose to supplement their diet with a daily multivitamin, hoping to even things out in the long run. Now you can do the same thing to make up for the begrimed and squalid inadequacies of the air you’ve been breathing with Mr. Oxygen OxyLift daily oxygen and mineral booster. Ad copy states: Most every customer buys 6 or 12 at a time. Please don't ask us how this compares to anything else, as this is the best with a singularly unique formula and any attempts at comparison with any other product only take the focus away from the great results obtained. So, we won’t say anything else, not wanting to take the focus away from a product that loves it some limelight. Make sure to be a lemming and get at least 6 or 12.

Hands on

Have you ever been playing a card game and suddenly realized you’re having more than a little difficulty holding onto your hand, like someone greased the cards? Perhaps this is because life dealt you a disservice, such as arthritis, trigger finger or the dreaded clumsy gene. It’s rough being one of those all-thumbs types for whom tasks that seem simple to the rest of us—such as shoe-tying, applauding, or card-holding—become daunting, and usually failed, dexterity tests. Or maybe it’s just that you drink too much on poker night. Either way, you can now solve the problem by pretending to have made a stylish choice (a great way to disguise a weakness or impediment of any flavor) with triangle card holders. They really give your game some flair.

And if you really want to trump your poker-playing pals, or that crazy bridge group, get a pair of thermoskin arthritic gloves and use them with the card holders. The gloves trap body heat, which is what gloves do. Trapped body heat, like any other heat, will make your body’s natural healing processes kick into high gear. Yep, it’s that simple. They’re also a lot cooler than Ben-Gay. There’s an authoritative aura about them, a little hint of dominatrix that you’ll probably enjoy. We think Betty, our product model, stole this pair.

Top choice

This is the premium selection, the best of the best, that which stands apart from the crowd and is truly peerless. We guarantee you’ll enjoy it and the warm glow of self-satisfaction that comes from knowing you’ve looked through all the options and culled something unquestionably superior. Make a premium selection today and you won’t regret it tomorrow. We’re not talking about meat.