When diet and exercise aren’t working, when you’ve tried every pill, gimmick, gadget and trendy exercise regime out there and you’re still packing on the pounds, here’s an honest-to-goodness sure-fire way to take care of the problem without spending all kinds of crazy cash. It’s about time! What is it, you ask? It’s a laparoscopic gastric bypass kit—contrary to popular opinion, you don’t have to go to the hospital to get your stomach size reduced. You can do it yourself at home for under $200!
The kit contains all sorts of important medical supplies, like syringes, tubes, blades, and gauze. Interestingly enough, it also includes something called fog reduction—could that be to disperse all the gas that will come rushing out as you cut into your own midsection? There’s a specimen container, a gown (might as well look like a real patient), and one cup of medicine (type unspecified, but we’re hoping it’s strong enough to cut through the pain while at the same time allowing one to remain alert enough to continue the operation). There are skin markers and cautery pencils (“w/hlstr” —could that mean with holster? because I might really enjoy a pencil holster), a suction tube (but you’ll have to provide your own suction), a blue pre-treated poly bag, (score!) and some other difficult to determine items, such as a mayo stand. No, we don’t think that means you should stop for a snack break, at least not until you figure out how to stop the bleeding. Kind of looks like you also get two purple pacifiers, doesn’t it? You’ll need all the soothing you can get, especially after that cup of medicine wears off.
Come on, now, don’t be such a baby! You can totally do this, and you’re going to look great in those size 2 jeans.
