My legs are keeping up with my now-very-strong toes, thanks to my Titanium Health Stockings. Once I experienced the joy of fit toes I began to crave super-human strength in other body parts, as most of us do at one time or another. And trust me: when these guys say, “Feel the power of titanium,” they’re not kidding! The grip on these babies is intense, and they leave an indentation underneath my knee so deep it’s often still there 24 hours after I’ve taken the socks off. I wish they were leg-length, because I’m already craving stronger thighs. (Not recommended for arm use; our lawyers have instructed us not to say anything more than that at this time.) Patent pending.
As the package states, the stockings help with circulation, tired legs and ankle pain (mostly via distraction; they’re quite uncomfortable). But best of all, they work on toe sensitivity! Maybe you’ve never dealt with this painful and embarrassing condition. If so, count your lucky stars, because there’s nothing funny about sensitive toes. They blanch at the idea of shoes, blush if anyone looks at them, and bawl like babies at the stupidest, most blatantly sentimental commercials—it’s downright embarrassing.
Once you’ve freed yourself of pesky toe sensitivity, you can kick the shit out of just about anything! Again, we exhort you to feel the power of titanium! Your legs will be healthy, your toes will become hardier and scoff at the memory of being sensitive, and instead of chronic leg fatigue, you’ll be dealing only with that chronic below-knee indentation, rendering you practically unstoppable.
For those of you paying attention, there’s something to be learned here, a possibly painful life lesson about truth in advertising that you might as well learn now and get over quickly. This advertisement displays a prime example of unrealistic product exaggeration—it’s unfortunate, but this does sometimes occur (very, very seldom). The socks don’t actually protect your legs with a force field, nor do they give your legs a bluish magnetic aura. I know, it’s sad. However, we do provide some hand-held lights which will provide an effect similar to the one seen here for only $19.95. Coming soon to a garage sale near you!
