What say you to this highly purchasable item? Hmm, you’re probably thinking…it looks like the world’s worst, oldest cordless phone/iron combination, or possibly a rather stupid method of trying to sneak test tubes of alcohol into forbidden places, or as if someone mis-assembled this cell phone, or is holding it up facing the wrong direction, which would not be very good in a catalog. But no, that’s not what it is at all, you silly goose. It’s a handheld (obviously!) moss-covered, three-handled germ-eliminating light! Yes, you read that correctly, at least the last part.
The light disinfects anything within four inches, while an internal timer signals when you’ve achieved the proper degree of cleanliness needed for your anal-compulsive self to rest assured and feel soothed for a change. You can prevent 99.9% of your interaction with scary death-provoking germs such as e. coli and salmonella in as little as ten seconds! Use it on befouled toothbrushes, filthy keyboards and cell phones, that oh-so-dirty handle on the grocery store cart, your g-nasty cutting boards, soiled toilet seats—any surface bearing the faintest tinge of taint. (Note: actual taint use not recommended)
Imagine the looks you’ll get as you hold up the grocery store line, cleaning all your change…or as you ride down escalators, maintaining a germ-free and safe handrail the entire way…or when encountering those pesky turnstiles and revolving doors, not to mention elevator buttons. If you live in a tall building, do your neighbors a favor and clean all the numbers—you’d want them to do it for you. Think about it, people of America! If enough of you purchase the germ-eliminating light and start using it on a full-time, life-evaporating basis, we could eliminate most of the germs and filth in this country within roughly two centuries.
Not legal in all 50 states. Device may emit the odors of germ-elimination, evil-charification, and the obliteration of all that is impure, which should dissipate quickly and are harmful only if inhaled by humans at close range. Manufacturer guarantees that when “item is now germ free!” sign appears in LED display, said item is 99.9% germ free for at least a minute or two (your results may vary.) Call now and we’ll throw in a one-and-a-half month supply of DD batteries at no extra charge! (**device requires two AAA batteries, not included) (Not FDA-approved/these opinions are not necessarily those of the owner of this media conglomerate).
“This device changed my life” (testimony of Myrtle Skyrdnick, of Hampstead, MA)
